Secret Purpose Behind Patriot Act Revealed
Now the true intent and use of this legislation has come to light.
In 1992 the passage of the Energy Policy Act included a mandate that by 1994 all new toilets in the U.S. would use no more than 1.6 gallons to flush. Manufacturers scrambled and developed or retrofitted their products to make them more expensive and less reliable. Most Americans were unaware of the new regulations unless they were in the process of buying new homes, renovating, or had a plumbing issue that required new toilet installations. Then they found out to their horror that not only would they be using more water due to having to flush three times instead of once, they would also be reduced in productivity as they waited by their johns for five additional minutes between each flush as the tank filled.
As the years have passed more and more American citizens have run afoul of the law as they struggle to avoid the constant plunger utilization required by low-capacity crappers.
Some have become silent revolutionaries, covertly ordering johns from Canada with larger tanks. The most innovative among the new criminal segment of toilet violators have even built their own high capacity tanks using fiber-glass resin and plywood. Prime suspects in this group are often members of the wooden boat-building trade, who have the materials and expertise to water-proof plywood.
The federal government has been keeping tabs on water usage, and after years of tracking the low level of Roto-rooter service and plunger purchases by certain segments of the population, began to suspect that many people were nefariously finding methods of forcing their new toilets to handle normal input levels.
In a stroke of genius, the Patriot Act was implemented to discover collusion among DIY toilet modifiers under cover of the war on terror. Phone and Internet orders from Americans to Canadian toilet retailers are being monitored and recorded. In Guantanamo Bay, new arrivals occur daily as American citizens are secretly shipped in for their super-charged toilet activities.
Water-boarding is actually a clever code name for these offenses, not an interrogation method.
This secret net has been cast far and wide, and unfortunately some innocent individuals have been caught up in it. Many subscribers of Popular Mechanics magazine have been sent to the bay after the government suspected them of illegal toilet mods due to their low water bills. It turns out they had all purchased waterless electric incinerator toilets from an ad in the back of the periodical. Yet they remain in detention, being interrogated in a desperate federal search for some valid reason to continue holding them.
Many of those individuals found to be innocent of toilet tampering have now been re-charged with tearing the labels off their mattresses as they succumbed to the constant questioning of the CIA (Crapper Incident Agency).
If you are involved in non-regulation toilet modifications, your best option is to stop. Destroy the evidence, delete all saved chat room conversation regarding sewage from your computer, and above all, cancel any outstanding orders for epoxy, plywood, or (hopefully you’re not this stupid!) toilets from Canada.
If you simply cannot tolerate the constant maintenance required to use a low capacity toilet, move to the outskirts of town where there are plenty of trees, bushes, and leaves. Remember, use the woodlands, but water your lawn more often to keep your utility bills at a high enough level to avoid suspicion.
There is a reason for the Canadians continuing to produce higher capacity toilet tanks despite their more liberal politics. Everyone knows the crap flows north to south, so they want their refuse to leave Canada and enter the US as quickly as possible
