Self Acceptance- the Key to a Happy, Healthy Spirit
Sylvia Friedman, a Chicago-based Behavioral Coach/Consultant insists that the key to a healthy, happy spirit isself-acceptance. “Someone who has self-acceptance is a much happier person overall. Being your own person is the key to success. It’s more than loving yourself. It’s believing in yourself and your abilities. Anxiety, worry, dramaâÂ?¦ these are all things we do to ourselves because we refuse to accept who we are and love who we are.” Friedman notes that many people go years without self-acceptance and knowing who they are. “If people don’t understand it and allow themselves to grow- they live this way their entire lives. Self-acceptance gives you confidence, courage and strength. Unfortunately, not everyone can say they live with self-acceptance, which is the voice of truth. Instead, they live with the voice of pain (self-criticism) or the voice of drama (self-absorption).” Can YOU embrace the voice of truth? Let’s stop for a moment and give ourselves permission to develop a new, more desirable habit pattern in the way we live, both personally and professionally. Friedman examines each “voice” and offers 5 tips to work towards self-acceptance and a better you.
Self-Acceptance = the voice of truth. Learning to understand and value your intellect, feelings and thoughts. Once you learn to accomplish this, your self-motivation becomes stronger.
Friedman admits that self-acceptance is something that people have a hard time doing. “90% of human beings suffer from the syndrome of not being good enough. They have a hard time accepting themselves for who they are, looking at themselves in a favorable light or believing in themselves.”
Example: Personal life- a perfectionist who feels they aren’t good enough for their significant other. “They move into not being authentic b/c they want to over-do or please too much. They are acting contradictory to what they really feel. They lose their authenticity when they don’t have self-acceptance.”
Example: Professional life- your boss tries to win you through intimidation, dominance and control. “That is not a true leader, but a person who does not accept themselves. They are personally insecure. They may know what they are doing professionally, they may know their job. But if a person is forced to control and dominate and punish and blame and be jealousâÂ?¦ It all comes from a lack of self-acceptance.”
Do these scenarios sound familiar? We all attract to drama at some point or another. If we want to motivate others, if we want to electrify on a stage, if we’re passionate about a cause… This can be good drama. Sylvia warns “But there is the drama of making mountains out of molehills. The drama of obsession: thinking about things over and over again. Clogging your brain so that you can not make wise decisions or have any clarity. Nerves, anxiety and worry come in. This is the dilemma with most people. If you accept yourself, then you’re not going to be obsessive. You won’t create mind stories such as: What did they mean by that? Did I do that right? Do they really like me? The majority of mind stories are simply illusions because you don’t know if what you’re creating in your mind is what the other person is really thinking.”
Try this!
Sylvia suggests “Catch Yourself” exercises. These exercises help you when you walk into a drama. You can learn how to catch yourself. Ex: You are greeted with a situation that is unnerving you. You begin to create a mountain from a molehill. You don’t look at the situation and deal with it for that exact situation. Instead, you begin to embellish the reality. You begin to obsess over it, worry and develop anxiety. But if you “catch yourself” – look at the situation and ask yourself the question “Is this particular situation worth doing this to myself?!” Say to yourself “This is my drama and I can’t enjoy living in this drama.” You can then pull back and clearly distinguish what you have to deal with. You are calmer, have less anxiety and realize you don’t need the drama. You don’t need to look for trouble if you believe in yourself. Look at each situation and don’t overwhelm the realityâÂ?¦ under-whelm it.
Sylvia shares a personal example: “My mom was a total drama queen and every time she wanted to punish me, she would cause fainting spells. It started when I was about 5 years old. She would faint and I would run over and shake her. She’d take her time before she woke up and then she’d say to me- ‘You made mommy very upset and you made mommy sick. You’re a bad girl.’ Afterwards, I began looking at my mother and for some reason, I decided this is my mother’s drama. She was the only actor in this play and I was not going to pay attention. I under-whelmed the situation and played with my doll instead. Bottom line: Try to recognize someone’s drama as not being your problem.
Self-criticism = the voice of pain. Not being good enough. Having thoughts like: Why did I do that? I could have done that better! I can’t do this. You are continuously criticizing the things you do. Most people focus on what they don’t do. They never count the good or acknowledge their talents. We tend to criticize ourselves and take the blame for things we shouldn’t take the blame for. People who are overly self-critical are controllers. They limit spontaneity, limit being open to intimacy and limit taking risks.
Solution: You have to really look at the fact that you have done the best job you can. If you haven’t, then perhaps it is your fault. However, if you have done something to the best of your ability and you believe in yourself, you are not going to criticize. Learn to be flexible and a bit more insightful about what the situation really is. If you are aware of the situation, it’s just a drama. It’s something people do because they get used to it. Learn to pat yourself on the back, trust yourself and accept who you are. Other people will recognize this strength and trust you too. When you have self-acceptance, you can influence others in a positive way. You must look at situations and give yourself that favorable reception.
Self-absorption = the voice of drama. Being totally involved in yourself. Everything is in your own head. Everything is your own act, your own drama, your own creation. You don’t share what’s going on. It removes you from caring about what other people feel or think. That becomes a drama because it’s an act. Self-absorption is: Woe is me. No one else matters. Self-absorbed people only reach out to others if they can use you or if they need your services.
Solution: You will eventually realize this mindset is very selfish because when you are self-absorbed, you never really solve anything. There is no action. You are constantly reliving the same problems. It can be very stressful and you will struggle to succeed in this state of mind. You are stuck. You can not take action because nobody else counts. This is not the way to live. If you want to have friendships, if you want to be good with business associates, if you want to live in a world of compassion and you want to make your mark on this world� you can not be self-absorbed.
Friedman offers 5 Tips To Work Towards Self Acceptance
1.Believe in your own talents and abilities. If you don’t feel you have developed your talent or ability enough, then make sure you get that education. Don’t let anyone else’s opinions diminish understanding of who you are or define who you are.
2. Be positive. Build your strength and your courage. When you are positive, it nurtures the spirit and the soul. Always count the good- don’t focus at what you don’t have.
3. Take a risk. Don’t stay stuck in safety. It allows you to grow. Otherwise, boredom can set it and you do not utilize your full talents.
4. Maintain a sense of humor and learn to laugh at yourself. When you are serious all the time, you diminish your spirit and your energy by not getting a lift.
5. Be more self expressive. Share your thoughts, feelings, ideas. Don’t keep them in your own head. If you don’t share- all you have is your own voice to listen to.
