Setting Limits and Communicating With the Passive Aggressive Man
Dealing with someone who handles life’s problems in a passive aggressive way is much like dealing with a defiant teenager. You must be direct and straight to the point at all times. It is important to observe your own behaviors and weaknesses. You can bet the passive aggressive knows exactly how to push your buttons so, it’s important for you to not react and play his game. One major problem with dealing with a passive aggressive is unrealistic expectations as far as him changing. This might cause you to demand more than he can or is willing to give. You have to stay realistic in your expectations. Change what you can and learn to live with the rest if you must.
When setting limits you must begin with yourself. Set firm limits as far as what you will and will not tolerate and then stick to them. When communicating with the passive aggressive do not do it in a defensive way. Use messages that begin with “I” when expressing feelings of disappointment. Don’t protect him from your unhappy feelings but be sure to communicate those feelings to him in a way that will keep him from withdrawing further.
Never accept excuses for his behavior. If he says he forgot or couldn’t help it or didn’t know he was supposed to do this or that don’t buy into it. If he makes a choice to “forget” or ignore then tell him it was his choice and how his choice has hurt you or others. When he tries to use the old, “I forgot” excuse make sure to remind him that he doesn’t seem to have a problem remembering things that are important to him. Ask him how he would feel if you were constantly forgetting things that were important to him.
If you are involved with a passive aggressive man then you have probably developed the habit of avoiding conflict because you have learned that conflict is met with withdrawal and nothing ever is settled. Pay close attention to how you have learned to blow off the important things until you eventually, out of shear frustration, blow up at the small things. Own this behavior and recognize it as self-defeating in your relationship. We should all choose our fights wisely BUT should never shy away from confrontation over big issues in the relationship. When you do this, you are playing into his neurotic needs and giving him the opportunity to point a finger at you and call you crazy when you eventually do blow your top over some small issue.
It’s OK to overlook his minor irritating behaviors but you must be willing to speak up about those behaviors that most irritate you. The worst thing you can do when setting limits and trying to communicate with a passive aggressive is to become passive yourself.
Agreements need to be made between you and the passive aggressive when arguing or discussing an issue. No abusive language, stick to the subject at hand, don’t get off track and start bring up the past. Take time out to cool off if things become too heated and then return to the discussion.
If you know passive aggressive men then you know they rarely make decisions on their own. They like to cover their butts in case anything goes wrong they will have someone to blame. Trying to get one to commit to even the smallest matter is like sucking peanut butter through a straw. Example, you are going to dinner and he always defers to your choice in restaurants. For years, you have been choosing the restaurant and then one day he looks at you and says, “you always control where we eat.” You have to take away his ability to make such statements by encouraging him to make decisions. Unbelievably the passive aggressive man’s confidence in himself is so low that he is actually afraid of choosing where to eat or which movie to see. He fears you not agreeing with his choices so; he avoids the fear by deferring to you each time.
By encouraging him to make choices you will be helping to build his confidence. During this time try and not be critical of his choices. If you must be critical, do not be critical of him but his behavior. For example if he chooses a restaurant that he knows you dislike then you pretty much know that he is doing it to get back at you, he is attempting to punish you. Call him on it, ask him why he is choosing a place he knows you dislike and will not enjoy. Tell him to please put effort into picking a place that you will both enjoy and to please not punish you with covert anger by choosing a place he knows you dislike.
If he refuses to follow through and uses the “I can’t” excuse remind, him that what he really means is he won’t because he resents you asking. Ask him to be more honest, to stop making excuses, and to just tell you that he doesn’t want to do what you ask him to do. There is no harm in pointing out his lack of effort and telling him that if he doesn’t start carrying his weight in the relationship then you are going to stop needing his input. If he refuses to take more of a leading role then, you will have to start asking for only what you absolutely need from him.
The passive aggressive man is very talented at rewriting history, distorting the truth, sending double messages, making ambiguous plans, straddling the fence on issues and making indirect statements that don’t really say anything. Point this out to him. Pin him down on how he is prone to confusing an issue just to save his own skin. Let him know that when he uses these coping patterns that you don’t feel loved nor close to him.
By far the most self-defeating pattern in a passive aggressive man is their need to be the victim. They love to play the poor, poor me guy in hopes that you will feel sorry for them and not bring up their negative actions. It’s a powerful tool he uses to get out of accepting responsibility for his part in the relationship. The sad thing is, it is directly tied to his lack of confidence and a fear of not being able to hold up his end of the relationship. It’s important to praise him often in areas that he does do well in and to stress how committed you are to the relationship. His actions show a great depth of dependence upon you and fear of abandonment by you. Try to get him to discuss these fears by pointing out to him that anyone who acts that way must be afraid of something. Ask him what he needs from you for him to feel safer and be less fearful of you leaving him. If he says he has no such fears then remind him that we all have fears and that facing them is a way of learning more about ourselves and how to give and accept love. Show him by example the benefits of facing fears instead of denying them.
You have to be willing to call his attention to his manipulative behavior. Point out every time he tries to control you with his anger. The passive aggressive expresses anger by withdrawing, being sarcastic, using intimidation, withholding affection and love and, in some cases physical violence. Consequences for their behavior must be stated and carried through if they refuse to take responsibility in the relationship. If, in the end, he is unwilling to make changes to his negative behavior, don’t take it personally. It is learned behavior that he uses to avoid confrontation and he may have an obstinate need to hold onto that behavior and the fears that come along with it.
In the end you have choices, you can learn to live with disappointment for the sake of the relationship. If you do this, I would suggest you get into counseling so that you can better understand your own willingness to continue in an unhappy relationship. On the other hand, you can choose to leave the relationship and stop the cycle of abusive and dismissive behavior. If you do, you will leave with knowledge of what you don’t want in your next relationship!
