Sick Sad Week: Military Morale, Katrina Myths, and the Golden Age of Television

Did you get a chance to catch NBC News anchor Brian Williams’ interview with Pres. Bush during his exactly one-year-too-late visit to Gulf Coast areas devastated by Hurricane Katrina? When Brian Williams asked Pres. Bush for a response to the allegations-I’m sorry, to the fact-that the invasion of Iraq has effectively worked as the greatest recruiting device for Islamic terrorists since the original Crusades, Herr Bush gave one of the few honest responses of his life by saying he didn’t understand how anyone could make that argument. I’ve little doubt that Bush is capable of understanding logical thinking. And to prove it Bush then went on to prove my contention by actually fake Texas drawling “morale is currently high in the US military”. You may quit blinking your eyes now, you did read that correctly. Pres. Bush apparently honestly believes that morale is high in the US military right now. As he said it. As I write these words. I guess all that high morale among the military explains why soldiers are being forced into another round of service in Iraq and Afghanistan due to re-enlistment figures dropping faster than Paris Hilton’s panties. What? Paris Hilton doesn’t wear panties? Oh, okayâÂ?¦well, then, how dropping faster than Mel Gibson’s chances of playing Oscar Schindler on Broadway?

Why Do They Even Have to Insist? Isn’t It Obvious?

Did you watch the Emmy Awards? Probably not, if the ratings are any indication. While the Emmy broadcast started out terrifically with the opening gags placing Conan O’Brien within certain television shows, things quickly devolved. (Barry Manilow wins an Emmy up against Stephen Colbert?!!!!) I didn’t watch the whole thing so I don’t know how far this attempt at brainwashing went, but I saw at least two people-Candice Bergen was one-who repeatedly insisted that not only is television better than ever but that we viewers are currently lucky enough to be in the midst of another television Golden Age. Yuck, don’t you hate it when you kind of throw up inside your mouth? I assume that Candice and the other person-I think he was an exec of some kind, I don’t remember exactly who he was-sold their souls to the devil. How else to explain going before an audience of thousands, maybe even millions, and-with a straight face, mind you-saying such an outrageously obvious lie. I wonder if Candice and the other guy received lessons from the White House on how to look into the camera and say something you know is patently false without giving away that you are lying?

Maybe Rectal Noun (Ann Coulter) Should Be Forcibly Sodomized Against Her Will

Let’s see, how many public figures has Rectal Noun suggested be assassinated? She has publicly called for the murders of everyone who works inside the New York Times building, Rep. John Murtha, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, and, just this week, Sen. Lincoln Chafee. Perhaps the most surprising thing about the latter is that he is a Republican, though often referred to as a Republican In Name Only. Exactly how long do you suppose a liberal pundit would stay free from investigation if she were consistently calling for the execution of members of the US government in print? In fact, there is statute that prohibits anyone from soliciting the first degree murder of an officer of the United States justice system. Clearly, Rectal Noun has violated that. Further, as a member of the Bar Association-I guess she gave really good head to somebody somewhere in order to accomplish that amazing feat-her actions would have resulted in the immediate disbarment of just about anyone else. So, apparently, it’s okay to suggest that public figures be murdered simply because you disagree with them.

Hmm. Okay, well, then might I suggest that the next unfortunate drunk that Rectal Noun picks up in bar and takes home with her do something for me: sodomize her forcibly and with all the compassion she shows toward 9/11 widows who aren’t in lockstep with her her perverse worldview. It doesn’t have to be with your penis; I can understand why you wouldn’t want to stick that into any of Coulter’s orifices. Sodomize her with a Bill O’Reilly toilet brush; or a Bush bobble-head; or a Joe Scarborough pancake flipper. Doesn’t matter. Just do it for all of us who care. Oh, and by the way, I’m just kidding. There, those two words will keep me from being prosecuted the same way they’ve apparently kept Rectal Noun from being prosecuted. On the two occasions when she’s actually used them. I’m not sure what’s keeping her from being prosecuted for the times when she said she was seriously calling for the murder of public figures. I guess she’s really good at both fellatio and cunnilingus. Well, hey, at least that mouth is good for something; and as long as she’s performing oral sex at least she isn’t talking.

Just How Long Does It Take To Be Considered Abandonment?

Glenn Beck, who for some as-yet-unexplained reason was given a forum for loudly expressing some of the most crackpot opinions this side of Fox News, interviewed some male Paris Hilton whose name escapes me and whom I have no interest at all in looking up, about some of the Katrina myths. Rightfully, they debunked the Katrina myth about the Clockwork Orange-style thuggery that was allegedly taking place inside the Superdome. But then Beck and Paris decided to get political and debunk the Katrina myth that the federal government abandoned Katrina victims. The justification for this debunking was-and I swear I’m not making this up-that rescue and recovery teams were sent in within 72 hours.

72 hours.

So, apparently, Glenn Beck and this male Paris Hilton are more than okay with spending three days without fresh water, food, electricity. Three days spent on the top of your roof, in some cases while dead bodies float by. Three days spent in a toxic stew of human waste, dead animals, and despair. Because, you see, that doesn’t qualify as abandonment. Nor, apparently, does it qualify as abandonment that while you are spending 72 hours in these situations, the President of the United States is relaxing his lazy Texas ass in blue jeans while playing guitar at a birthday party for a member of his elite, so-rich-they-probably-didn’t-even-know-there-had-been-a-hurricane base. Nor does it qualify as abandonment that the President of the United States, George W. Bush, is smirking and saying in his phony born-in-New England-but-pretends-he’s-a-Texan drawl that everybody involved is doing a bang-up job in responding to Katrina.

Here’s your next big reality show. You take Glenn Beck and this male Paris Hilton dickhead he was talking to and you put them in this same situation only with cameras showing how they react. Then you ask them again if spending 72 hours under these same circumstances doesn’t qualify as abandonment. And hey, while we’re at it, while don’t we send Beck on a hunting trip with a drunk Dick Cheney and ask him if he still believes it’s okay for the Vice President of the United States to not immediately report an “accidental” shooting instead of waiting just enough time to disqualify breathalyzer testing from being legal evidence in a court of law.