Single and Lonely: Beach Etiquette for the Aging Single Man
As the poor buffoon explained it to me, the moment on that beach summed up his entire sad life. On the one hand he had his awfully dull and stable marriage and on the other hand he could run off to chase the dual flouncies of pandemonium in front of him. His dreams of returning to vigorous youth never came to fruition when his obviously jealous wife said of the Brazilian, “Look at that woman. That is disgusting.” The married man cowed, “Oh her? I didn’t even notice her. Yes, she should put a shirt on.”
For the married man, there is also the issue of the Sixth Commandment and coveting. Luckily, you stayed Single-n-Lonely all these years, so the ball-and-chain doesn’t apply to you. You can covet all day if you want to, like a cat in heat. However, when you are coveting on the beach, you tend to covet beyond your scope. You covet the Brazilian in the thong when you should be coveting someone that looks more like, and I hate to tell you this, your mom.
Even if you came up with the funniest, most suave pick-up line in the world, there is no way the sassy nude Brazilian is going back to your hotel room. That shoestring bikini is wrenched up tight for a reason, and you are not it. Even if you spoke Portuguese, even if you were rich, even if you could guarantee her fifteen consecutive orgasms, the odds are against you. Why, you ask? Because you got older, my friend. Your back hair, your receding hairline, your love handles, and the way you openly scratch yourself in public – all of these things send the wrong signals.
Sooner or later age catches up to you. Since you stopped working out in 1995 and took up the EZ Cheese container, time has become an enemy to your stomach. You used to roll out of bed and do push-ups; now you just roll. The very idea of you hitting on the Brazilian hottie is about as dumb as Barbados attacking the United States. Your intentions cannot be fulfilled with your outstanding physical limitations.
Enough is enough. To get back to the beach and be a smooth operator, follow these modifed rules, adjusted for your increasing age and weight.
Sarong, so wrong?: A sarong is a cloth wrap that a woman wears around the lower half of her swimsuit. In the past, this was a definite deterrent to your advances because nine times out of ten the sarong is covering up either a huge ass and/or cellulite that looks like the surface of the moon. Now that you have developed a little cottage cheese yourself, seek out these sarong wearing women. As an approach, offer her a Taco Bell fajita wrap to go with her sarong.
Giant sunglasses: No young woman likes to be ogled by you anymore. That Brazilian actually wants attention, just not from you. She considers you to be a sick old man, and shame on you for even thinking of banging her so hard that her black hair turns white. Really now, it’s not your fault that women in their twenties look better than women in their forties, but nevertheless you have to avert your eyes when looking at the younger women. To continue ogling, borrow your grandfather’s giant box-sunglasses.
Retrosexual: With the media all abuzz about ‘Metrosexuals,’ consider yourself labeled ‘Retrosexual.’ While metrosexuals look borderline homosexual, you’ve aged into the body of a 1970’s porn star – clearly hetero, yet untouchable to younger women, like a leper in Jesus’s time. A Metrosexual gets ready for the beach by moisturizing his body, shaving his pubis, and plucking his eyebrows. You get ready by digging out a wrinkled pair of neon pink ‘Hobie’ brand swim trunks that you bought at Target in 1993. Make the outfit complete by wearing white socks with your sandals.
A word on shaving: Shaving your body will make you look more lean. More importantly, trimming down the area around your longfellow makes it appear longer. If you can get past the fact that shaving yourself is emasculating and don’t mind feeling like less of a man, go for it. Before you do, be aware that the stubble will tickle you constantly and you will want to scratch yourself wildly until you bleed, which attracts sharks.
The ‘Illusion of Style’: Just remember – style is an illusion that’s agreed upon by the masses. Confidence never goes out of style. Believe in yourself, sasquatch!
Play soft games: Back in the good ole days a guy had to look macho and toss the old pigskin around on the beach. Now if you throw a football around, people will look at you like a dick is growing out of your ear. These days you need to play either frisbee or guitar. While playing, quote lines from obscure foreign films instead of talking about how much you laughed when Ace Ventura used his ass as a mouth when looking for Finkle & Einhorn.
Everything gets softer when you age. Rap becomes R&B. Banging becomes love-making. Midnight becomes ten o’clock. As you age you need to continously be in a process of discovery, always finding the proper angles for picking up women. That macho crap just doesn’t work anymore. Even traditional sports and athleticism has lost favor, so be a witty ninny. Unlike you were taught by every man you grew up around, be sensitive. Start a little campfire at night and play Jack Johnson songs. Weep openly in front of women if you have to. Walk along the beach holding an urn of cigarette ashes pretending you are about to spread the ashes of your recently deceased wife into the sea. Get creative – you want to nail the Brazilian don’t you?
sincerely overtanned and cancerous,
Single-n-Lonely
