Single and Lonely: Coping with Sunday Nights
Woah. You smoked your mind the last two nights. Now you’ve got no sleep, no cigarrettes, no money, no honey, and all of the sudden now it’s not so funny. And worst of all, the alcohol has upset your chemical balances and made you all emotional. In a matter of minutes, you can go from whimsical ninny to that depressed bouncing Zoloft ball that chases the butterfly.
Sunday is lonely, whether you are a redneck, a thug, a preppie, a churchy, or a motorhead. It does not matter if you were two-steppin’, chillin’, jammin’, prayin’, or headbangin’ – Sunday has got you in its lonely daze.
This is when your counterpart, Married-n-Bored, is all smiles. He’s curled up on the couch with his wife, coppin’ a feel on her butt, she’s gigglin’ over the Sunday funny pages, she’s feelin’ his groove, feelin’ good from goin’ to church and wants a little sin for dessert, watchin’ a movie, playin’ Monopoly (he’s the little Top Hat piece and he’s got a Hotel on Boardwalk), he’s walkin’ on the beach, enjoyin’ a picnic Manwich sandwich and tater salad, goin’ out for dinner at night, Sunday drivin’ and takin’ pictures of the world’s largest ball of twine. Let me put it this way: Married-n-Bored is Fat-n-Happy on Sunday. He’s experiencing clean living. He’s lovin’ life. Why? Cause he feels just as bad as you do about the weekend but he’s got his wife to lean on, and she’s got him to lean back on. All you got is the Papa John’s delivery guy who just wants his fifty cent tip, and the delivery guy is not about to crawl up on the couch with you and spoon your weepy ass.
Strange that Sunday can be so lonely when for a single man (or woman), Sunday is truly the most liberating day of the week. Sunday is a whole day of nothing just waiting for you to fill your life’s cup with a memory. You could be taking a class, helping kids, taking in a game, reading a classic, studying a foreign language, flogging the dolphin. But no, what do you do. You brood. You brood and brood, and when you get done brooding, you brood. “Oh, woe is me! Where is my life going? What kind of person at my age is still doing this stuff every weekend? Look at this place. Oh, my clothes smell awful. Oh Lawd, I is a disgrace! Take me Lawd!” Then what do you do? You start distracting yourself. Anything you can get your hands on you become interested in. “Look, a mayonnaise jar!” You read the label carefully. PBS has a show on about petunias, you get out a pen and take notes. You clean the entire house with a toothbrush. Laundry, comics, grocery shopping, you even call your parents and siblings! But you can’t run forever in circles chasing your tail to get away from your head. That inner monologue never stops, there is no pausing your conscience. It all builds up until the night when you see Della Reese helping some kid with cleft pallate on “Touched by An Angel” and the piano starts to play and you curl up in the fetal position on the kitchen table and emit the world’s biggest, drippiest tear. You big baby! Get out there and live! You’re single! Married-n-Bored is jealous of you all week. Live, dammit!
Consider this your guide to coping with those Sunday nights. You need to keep your head up, but by yourself it’s not easy. Here are the tips:
1.) Start a bug collection: Remember when you were a kid and you had that teacher who brought in his amazing June bug collection? Be that guy.
2.) Eye Candy: Nothing like a multimedia, fast-action, hard-hitting, graphically intense video game to overload your senses. Your mind will have no choice but to concentrate on the action. Forget about life! Replace true emotion with soulless distractions. Try Grand Theft Auto. When you have to drive it like you stole it, have a virtual hooker in the passenger seat, and six squad cars bulleting your tailpipe, the last thing on your mind will be loneliness.
3.) Save the World, Bono: Sunday is a great day for rationalizing, justifying, and being a hypocrite in general. Last night in the club a guy accidentally bumped into you, so you threatened him and his family, and also went on to threaten his dog, his car, his Constitutional rights, and his delivery guy before kicking him down in the parking lot. Guess what – today you can deliver meals to the elderly and the infirm and feel like you are a good person! After you help bring Western Civilization to destruction on Friday and Saturday, save the world on your Sundays.
4.) Be Condescending and Rude: If someone invites you to a picnic or other uncool event, roll your eyes, make up an excuse, and condescend to the person who is inviting you. If you see a Married-n-Bored guy walking down the street looking all Fat-n-Happy, quietly mock his wife’s body. Calling her fat and labeling him a stupid sucker will make you feel much, much better. Imagine how miserable the husband must truly be and how hard it must be for him to fake that ear-to-ear smile he’s wearing.
5.) Be Shallow: Do pushups and look at yourself in the mirror. Pump up your ego by knowing, not thinking, but knowing that no woman deserves you. Did you forget that the only reason you are alone on Sunday is that no woman can tie you down? Of course you haven’t forgot; you are Mr. Perfect! Convince yourself that you’ve banged every woman worth doing from here to Kalamazoo.
6.) Dress up Your Pet: Everyone enjoys seeing a dog wearing a fireman’s coat or kingly purple robes. Take lots of pictures of your dog. Call him ‘Your Highness’ and wait on him hand-and-paw all day long. Tell your dog all of your dearest secrets then wait for him to respond.
7.) Experiment in the Culinary Arts: Since you like to tell women that you can cook like a five-star chef, try making some new recipes, or at least look them up so you can drop the names of souffles, torts, and other snobby foods in conversation. Be creative with what you have on hand – Jello, Cheetos, canned meat and Hormel Chili – see if you can’t bring out the Wolfgang Puck in you.
8.) Declare a Major Change in your Life: Go ahead, delude yourself. You’ve earned it! Maybe it isn’t too late to try out for the Florida State football team. Yeah, those song lyrics are looking good – someday you will record them. You are going to save $200 a week toward starting your own business. From now on it’s all work and no play for you. I’m inspired by you – atta boy!
If none of these techniques work, just rock back and forth on the floor and cry with your mouth gaping. Let the tears stream down your face. Just let it out. Call your ex and beg her to take you back. Tell her that you are so miserable without her (even though you thought she was a Nazi two months ago). You’ll do anything to get her back. Don’t you understand me, woman? Please just give me shelter, I’ll do anything you ask, it will all be different, I promise, justâÂ?¦
Please hold me, I’m so
Single-n-Lonely
