Social Rules, Ageism On Display at Birthday Parties
Everett, Washington
. The party started at 6:00 p.m. just after everyone got off of work. Those in attendance included the birthday boy, Alex, his nieces, nephews, friends, siblings, parents and all of their respective spouses or significant others. As one of the more youthful guests, I arrived “fashionably late,” around 6:30 p.m. (as did the other people my age) and began my participant observation.
Upon entrance, I was hit with a barrage of hugs and greetings from all of the elder attendants as I took in the room filled with black decorations that joked about being “Over the Hill,” or having “One Foot in the Grave.” Others from my same age group suffered the same fate as they arrived. In every case, the older attendants began questioning the younger new arrivals about how things were going at their school, job, and personal life, as well as how parents and other family not in attendance were doing. Each individual of the younger generation patiently answered the gunfire of questions (sometimes giving more honest answers at a later time when out of earshot of their elders) before proceeding with the evening. The whole process would begin again as each new youngster finally arrived (as all of the older generation had arrived promptly on time).
As the evening progressed, the line between an older person and a person that was “really” old was drawn by the behavior of the party-goers. The oldest person in attendance that night was Alex’s 80 year old mother-in-law, “Sally.” As younger guests approached her to start a discussion, their speech would suddenly become slightly slower, more clearly enunciated, much louder and more formal. Posture was almost always much better when talking to Sally, and topics tended to stay very trivial and boring (including the weather, how late it was getting, etc.). Sadly, she was left alone for lengths of time as the younger crowd (everybody in this case) moved along to more interesting conversations. As the night progressed and more drinks were had by all, this occurred less frequently since the party had become more informal with fewer guests.
While guests in their 20’s and 30’s deferred to those in their 40’s, 50’s and up, and those in their 40’s and 50’s deferred to those in their 60’s, 70’s and up, this was not the case for the youngest of guests, the little kids ranging from age 4 to 10. The children at the party appeared to make little distinction in their behavior towards any age group. In one case, an 8 year old boy traversed the party armed with a tube of frosting that he brazenly offered to serve to anyone who would listen (from the 4 year old on up to the 80 year old.) A 4 year old girl traversed the party armed with an open mouth ready to be filled with cookies, cake and soda from everyone within her line of sight. She used the same behavior and tactics on everyone, young and old, to complete her quest for treats. The youngest guest to show the first signs of age discrimination in regards to behavior was the almighty “pre-teen.” The twelve year old girl that attended the party would wait patiently and not interrupt a conversation if the other participants were older than her. She would wait for a pause and then interject her ideas. When the other participants in the discussion were younger than her, however, she would interrupt and try to dominate the conversation.
Now we return to my own age group, that of the 20-something year old. Conversations and behavior between members of the same age group were the most acerbic, honest and interesting of the night (I can only assume that this is still true among peers in older age groups). Among peers of similar ages, the social rules seemed to disappear almost entirely. Topics of conversation became edgier, more lurid, and much less formal. Body language was animated and relaxed, and bursts of laughter were common. A return to more formal conversation was almost immediate when a member of an older age group entered the situation, but it would soon become more relaxed again after they left.
Looking at this behavior as a whole shows it to be heavily ingrained in an almost subconscious way. Because the youngest children made the fewest distinctions in their behavior toward individuals from other age groups, it seems that these social “rules” are taught to them by their parents. Much of what they learn also comes from direct observation and mimicking what they see older people doing. The fact that children who do not learn how to comply with these rules are deemed as being rude or brats is ultimately what compels them to adhere to these standards. This is also what compels adults to continue to adhere to the social rules of ageism. If one does not comply, he is termed ill-mannered, impolite or uncivil. The obvious reward for compliance is earning friendships and creating lasting interpersonal relationships with others. For better or for worse, behavioral ageism is so common in humans that failing to behave in this way is socially unacceptable.
Although treating others from different age groups differently is, in some cases, (hiring practices for example) unethical, the behavioral ageism practiced in modern social settings is a leftover tradition from what many call “the good old days.” It shows that our society cares about all of its individuals. From giving extra leeway in the behavioral norms of children who perhaps do not know better yet to giving the extremely aged more respect, patience, and perhaps a little more volume (to help Sally’s hearing aid), this type of ageism does more good than harm. I would like to think that my own behavioral ageism says that I do it because I care.
