Step Child and Step Parent Relationship: Step Parenting Without Over Stepping
Instead of fighting with the child as a step parent you can actually make the transition easier for everyone involved; including yourself. If you handle the situation appropriately you may actually find that you can become that child’s best friend and champion.
The most important thing for a step parent to remember is that child already has two parents and probably does not want anymore. Your job is to be the partner to their parent and while you are an adult figure in their life that they must treat with respect, they don’t have to place you in the same role as their parent. Do not expect them to like you better than mom or dad or take your side in a disagreement, it is unlikely that will ever happen. With that in mind the following steps will help you in avoiding the title as “enemy”.
Let The Child Set The Pace
Some kids are open and friendly to a step parent right away. Mom and Dad have probably been apart long enough for them realize that their parents will not be getting back together, so you are not the person who stole a parent away from them. Often this friendliness may be short lived as the child begins to realize that their parent is spending a good deal of time with you and may feel left out. Children are quite good at voicing these feelings and if you become aware there is a jealousy issue, it is up to you to eliminate that problem. Encourage the parent to spend some alone time with the child. This means be willing to find something to do for at least a portion of any given day and let that child know how important s/he is to their parent.
It also never hurts to sit down with the child and explain that you do not want to take their parent away from them but instead you would like to be a part of their family. Sometimes, this is all that it will take for the child to understand that they are important not only to their parent but also to you.
Don’t Be The Disciplinarian
Very simply, set your rules and expect them to abide by those rules, but leave it up to the parent to make sure they are enforced. If you only have the child on a part time basis the other parent should be around for that time and it’s up to them to make sure the child follows the rules. If they do not, then discuss the problem when the child is not around. Remember you are technically an outsider in this child’s life and if you start out by trying to discipline you are going to be met with resentment and anger.
Be The Person They Can Talk To
All kids have things they don’t want to discuss with their parents but still need a trusted adult they can talk with; be that adult. This does not mean that you keep secrets that affect that child from the parent but be the person they know they can talk to without judgment or criticism. If you feel there is something you need to tell the parent, then let the child know in advance so they are not blind sided or feeling betrayed when the parent addresses the subject.
Be Fun To Be Around
Kids are usually rather easy to please. If you are upbeat and happy when you see them, your mood will eventually rub off on them. Having fun does not cost a great deal of money, find something they like to do and do it with them. Buy a pair of roller blades and ask them to teach you how to use them. If nothing else the laughter every time you land on your butt will lighten the mood. If they aren’t into roller blades there are many other interests that you can share from movies to music if you are willing to give that child a chance.
Be Patient
Remember nothing happens overnight but if you simply take your time and give that child the time they need you may find that you begin to look forward to their visit and they are genuinely happy to see you when they arrive.
Take the time to create your own family unit without trying to replace the biological parent. Doing this will not only strengthen your relationship with the child but also help you create a stronger and happier marriage.
