Struggle Within Myself: Son of God, or Servant of Satan?

May thy will, not mine be done!
To say this is one thing, to live it is quite another�

Father, this is so difficult, and far from fun. I do not mean to disappoint You through masturbation, but please understand me.

At this time, a part of me would much rather run from You.

It would be simple to quit while I can, and succumb to my invisible enemy’s plan. Somehow, it does not suffice to know that he laughs as I allow myself to come undone. My body is Your temple, and I allow him to make me forget itâÂ?¦
A part of me hates to rebel; yet the other loves it. In a sense, I can compare it to a gun being pointed at my soul.

However, in another sense it is so sweet like the choicest Fruit.

Can You really blame me? I’m a victim of The Fall, a descendant of Adam! Am I not entitled to “Miss the Mark?”
Surely You do not expect perfection! Furthermore, how can constancy be expected from me, when our invisible enemy is relentless in his attacks? Please forgive me for taking You for granted. I hope You will forgive me, in spite of the many times that I’ve driven the same nail into The Cross while planning to eventually repeat my actions.

I pray to You every night and go to Church three times a week, is that not enough? You know that I care about You much more than most people do, surely that must suffice!

Perhaps this would be different if I was allowed to spend a day in His shoes. He did, after all, die for me long before my birth. Perhaps if I could be Him for a day, then I would appreciate how much He suffered. As it is, however, He is often so abstract.

True, I cannot deny that I have often felt His presence. Unfortunately, however, this is not enough�Where is He during my Gethsemane? Why does he allow the worst trials and tribulations that come my way? And why must I wait for so long to have a prayer answered?

Surely you understand me. I am, after all a mere descendant of Adam. I can only be so strong for so long before I inevitably give in to the plan of our invisible enemy. How can I turn him down when he offers the choicest Fruit?

May Thy will, not mine be done?