Summertime and the Pursuit of Sex

I read an article the other day that said that summertime is the best time to have an affair and it really got me thinking. I guess it makes sense, the stimulus for sex is certainly ever-present: no matter where you look, women are walking along the beach, splish-splashing about or just lying out getting sun. If all that wall-to-wall flesh doesn’t get your imagination going I don’t know what will. It’s not just women though; there are plenty of tanned, sculpted males vying for attention as well. So whether you’re a man or woman, husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend or any category in between, the opportunity for “fun in the sun” exists if one chooses to seek it out.

Furthermore, the summer months provide an attractive time to cheat on your spouse or companion because you’re only dealing with a 3-month period – roughly June until August – and plenty of time I guess to break away, take care of “business” and continue on your merry way as if nothing happened.

Now maybe I’ve been married too long and need more practice, but I can’t figure out how a guy can subtly find an excuse to lose his partner (and kids if they exist), meet another woman, get all friendly and cosy, roll around in the sand or wherever an make it back to your point-of-origin without arousing suspicion. And do it continuously throughout the summer. Heck, I don’t see how you can even get away with that for one day, let alone for a few months.

The article in question – culled from a popular Italian men’s magazine – actually provided pointers on how to meet and romance someone during the summer, and suggested meeting women at “everyday” locations while doing everyday activities – during a walk on the beach, while swimming, getting a cafÃ?©’, when buying cigarettes, etc.

So I decided to do some informal research on the subject. First of all I decided to go for a walk on the beach. This provided immediate problems because no sooner did I say, “âÂ?¦I’m going for a walkâÂ?¦” I was answered by my wife with, “Sounds like funâÂ?¦I’ll go to!” And a nano-second later my daughter chimed in with “âÂ?¦And I’ll bring the paddles so we can play paddleballâÂ?¦” Now, how the heck am I supposed to meet another woman if I have my family with me? But then it dawned on me, that if I walked with my family in tow; I’m actually offering a “safe product” – free from STD’s, HIV or whatever else is running rampant in the 21st century.

So off we went. I can tell you that it’s damn hard to try and look at other women when your wife and kid are walking right next to you. Plus, it’s even more difficult when your spouse is telling you to “âÂ?¦Stop looking at that girl over there..!” I asked my wife, “I’m wearing sunglassesâÂ?¦how do you know I’m looking at another woman..?” “Because you just ARE!” was the response. “..And because I’ve been married to you for 20 years!”

So much for a casual stroll along the beach.

The coffee bar was next. At many Italian beaches, you can usually find a coffee bar right on the beach – so a cafÃ?© or an ice cream is never that far out of each. I went to get an espresso. While standing in line it dawned on me how incredibly silly I felt. What the heck am I supposed to say, “Do you come here often..?” or maybe “Nice weather we’re havingâÂ?¦” or maybe “Hey, too bad about that shark attack victim the other day…”

And that it happened.

A voice behind me innocently asked, “…I don’t suppose you have 10 cents extra do youâÂ?¦? I don’t seem to have enough change with me for ice creamâÂ?¦”

I turned around and there she was: sleek, tanned, an incredible set ofâÂ?¦eyesâÂ?¦and a great smile. I opened my mouth to speak to this woman who showed up out of nowhere and all that came out of my mouth was a gurgle. In my mind’s eye I quickly had a flash of the two of us re-enacting the scene in “From Here to Eternity” where Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr roll around half-naked in the frothy surf. Realty snapped me back to the present as I gave her not only 10 euro-cents but offered to buy her ice cream as well. A five-star alarm was ringing in my head as I thought “What the hell am I doing?”

I broke under the pressure.

“âÂ?¦Look, this isn’t going to workâÂ?¦! I blurted out. “âÂ?¦I’m married for Pete’s sake! I have a wifeâÂ?¦a daughter who takes piano lessons! I can’t spend my entire summer having sex with you, when I came here with them..!!!

The woman looked back at me with her mouth wide open. Her eyes as big as golf balls.

“ReallyâÂ?¦I only wanted 10 centsâÂ?¦.”

Suddenly a big Rambo-looking guy stepped forward and put his arm around “my women”. “Hi babeâÂ?¦everything o-kâÂ?¦?”

“Why yes, honeyâÂ?¦this nice gentleman was offering to buy my ice cream because I didn’t have enough changeâÂ?¦” I offered up a smile and a firm handshake and quickly thought how convenient it would be to slice the back of his lower hamstring and send him flopping in the sand like a spotted bass.

“Allow meâÂ?¦” And I bought one for him also. And then disappeared in the crowd.

Minutes later I made my way back to my wife and my world felt right again. So much for research. I’d rather expend the same amount of energy romancing my wife than a stranger any day.

I noticed my daughter was gone, so I pulled up my beach chair next to my wife’s, smiled and saidâÂ?¦”âÂ?¦You’ll never guess what just happened at the coffee barâÂ?¦.”

To my surprise she grabbed my hand and replied, “âÂ?¦You can tell me all about it. Come onâÂ?¦we’re going in the waterâÂ?¦.for a little conversationâÂ?¦.”

And then she winked that wink of hers.

I guess sex at the beach isn’t a pipedream after allâÂ?¦..