Survival Guide for Freshman at Colorado State University

Some people are anxious to go to college. Freedom from parents, crazy drunken parties, and many potential mating partners. Let me clue you in on a little secret. COLLEGE IS A PAIN! You’re not as free as you may think, the drunken parties with people who make Stephen Hawkins look interesting by comparison get really old, and you will never be rejected so many times in your life. That said, you can have a good time, but only if you know how. I’m a senior and I’m still in the dorms cause living in the dorms means very little responsibility, and I’m milking that for as long as I can. So here are some things I’ve learned that hopefully will help you younglings out.

(1) Exercise Control – I know it’s nice not having parents there to watch what you’re doing, but don’t go overboard. For example, if you get drunk in dorm room, STAY in your dorm room. Do NOT stumble out into the hallway, rip apart the hall bulletin board, and a make a lot of noise. This is frowned upon and depending on who catches you can earn you some quality conversation time with the hall director. Also keep you visitors under control, especially if you have things in your room you’re not supposed to have.

(2) Get to know your Resident Advisor (RA) – You WANT to be friends with your RA. If you’re on good terms with them, they’re going to let you off the hook for a lot more than if you’re butting heads. This doesn’t mean you can cruise the halls sporting a bottle of Cuervo, but it will make your life a lot smoother. For example, if you’re being much louder than you should, they’ll settle for a simple shut the hell up rather than harassing you for 15 minutes about quiet hours.

(3) Don’t be stupid – Here are common things that smart people don’t do: Do NOT climb the side of the buildings. The cops will be called and they will be angry. Do NOT drink yourself to death. People will hate your name, because we have to listen the administration and parents whine for years to come. Do NOT smoke pot in your room. It will be smelled in the hall, you will get busted, and they will call your parents. Do NOT drive after drinking. Getting a DUI sucks! Believe me, I know. And finally, READ the student code. There’s lots of info in there that’s good to know.

(4) Go to your classes, even if attendance is not required. – If you don’t go, 90% chance you’re going to be lost on the exams.

(5) Drinking in your dorm room – If you’re going to drink in your dorm room, here are some pointers: 1. Window OPEN! Otherwise it will reek in the hallway. 2. Keep caps on hard liquor. Otherwise the smell will fill the room, and someone checks on you’ll they’ll smell it as soon as the door opens. 3. Don’t clink bottles. Do not make loud toasts with bottles of shot glasses. This is like pouring blood in the water for the sharks to feed. 4. Stay in the room. If you’re wandering the halls your chances of getting caught skyrocket. 5. Keep bottles out of sight in case you do have to open the door.

(6) Don’t piss off people in your dorm – You have to live with these people for a year. If you act like an idiot and make everyone mad or annoyed your year is going to suck. Especially be attentive to the females. College girls hold grudges like none other, and if you make one mad, then by tomorrow you’re going to have at least 20 girls that hate you. Some of them won’t even know why, they just know they’re supposed to hate you. This rule goes for guys and girls. Guys usually solve problems with a quick fistfight, girls go for the soul!

(7) Don’t sleep around – Keep your number of partners reasonable. There’s a lot of STDs on college campuses and even with protection you can still catch some of them. This makes for an embarrassing trip to the doctor, and your parents will probably find out if you start taking pills for genital herpes.

(8) Party Etiquette – Some things to remember at parties: 1. Pay attention to how much you have to drink. Also don’t mix hard liquors. When you mix things they can have unusual side effects. 2. Keep yourself and your friends under control. You don’t want to get in a drunken fight, because even though it may start with just you and one person, it’ll probably end up as a brawl. 3. For guys: No means no! If a girl tells you to get lost, do it. Especially don’t make unwelcome physical advances. Sexual assault and rape are taken very seriously. 4. Finally, if the cops tell you to leave, do it quietly. If you have been drinking don’t drive and don’t get a ride with someone who has been drinking. Definitely don’t start trouble with the cops. Generally they don’t make a big deal, but if you take after them or trash their cars you are going to be up a creek without a paddle. Starting and/or participating a riot at a state college in Colorado means automatic expulsion.

These are just some pointers I’ve learned over the years. A few I’ve learned the hard way, or I’ve seen friends learn them. Have fun at college but be safe. If you act like moron you most likely will not have fun because you’ll have to deal with student discipline, and that’s a real pain. But have fun, be safe, and maybe I’ll see you in the fall.