Tantrums: Understanding What Your Child is Telling You
Sometimes my youngest son throws a major tantrum. When he does this what I need to do first is find out what the tantrum is about. I can’t solve the problem and end the tantrum if I don’t know what the tantrum was about in the first place, I suppose I could but it wouldn’t solve the problem and he would just throw another tantrum again for the same reason at another time.
Reason 1: I Want, I Want, I Want
Children often throw tantrums because they didn’t get what they wanted. You know that, but do you know what you can do about it? First you need to find out exactly what they want. This takes time but if you do this now it will save you time later because once they understand what they can have and what they can’t have they will stop throwing tantrums over those things if you stick to it and don’t give in.
Once you know what they want you have to decide whether or not to give it to them. Make the decision a solid one. Once you decide whether they can have the item or not you have to stick to the decision no matter how much they beg or scream. If it’s something they can have, tell them how they could have asked for the item without throwing a tantrum. Once they ask nicely give it to them. If you want to place a condition on it, do it. I often say, “You can have it if you clean up first”.
If it’s something they can’t have at all then you need to explain to them why they can’t have it. Maybe it’s something dangerous or for adults only or maybe it belongs to their brother and not them. Whatever the reason is they need to understand it. Don’t have a big discussion with them about it. Tell them what you need to say only once. If they have questions, answer them using the same words you used to explain why they couldn’t have it when you first explained it to them.
If they are still throwing tantrums about it put the child in a safe place and ignore him until he settles down, this is called a “time out”. You can use a time out spot or send him to his room. Tell him why he’s in time out and then don’t give him any more attention. If you give a child who is throwing a tantrum and you give them attention they will just tantrum more.
If your child is young you may need to remind him why he’s there and what he needs to do to get out of time out. I say to my youngest, “Do you want to get out of time out? Then you need to be quite and sit still”.
Reason 2: Don’t Want What You Want
Sometimes in life we all have to do things we don’t want to do. Some people don’t want to go to work, some children don’t want to go to school. Often times kids only want to play and nothing else. It doesn’t always matter what they want to do, they still have to do what they have to do. Your job is to make sure they do it.
Chores, going to visit relatives, going to school, eating dinner and going shopping are a few things your child may not want to do, but they have to, they don’t have a choice and you shouldn’t give them a choice, be firm. You need to make them, but how does a parent make a child who is throwing a tantrum do what they want them to do?
First try explaining to your child why they need to do this thing. This will work with some children really well and not work at all with others. If this doesn’t work, use a reward. Offer them something they want and tell them they can have it if they do this thing for you and do a fairly good job.
The important thing to remember when you are using this technique is to make sure they get a reward. If they get a reward the first time then when you want them to do it again they will do a better job and maybe not even throw a tantrum because they know they are going to get a reward for it. If you tell them they will get a reward and they do a fairly good job and still don’t get a reward then you are back to square one.
Don’t overdo rewards, and try to wean them off rewards. If you give too many rewards they will start expecting rewards for everything, and you will go broke. After they have started getting a reward for a certain thing, and they do a good job and earn the reward for that thing every time make the job a little harder or make the reward smaller. You want to eventually wean them off the reward system. Eventually you want them to just do what they’re told just because they should do it.
What are Rewards?
Something small and cheap, or free. Outside playtime is free, you could use that as a reward. Cheap candy, one piece, you don’t want to overdo candy. Something that particular child likes. Every child is different so different rewards work for different children. you need to find one that works for your child.
Other Things You Can Do
- Don’t Say No – Instead of saying “no” explain to your child why they can’t have what they want. Sometimes kids, especially little ones, don’t know what’s expected of them. Don’t assume they know everything, they may not. You need to tell them why they can’t have it and use reasons they can understand. Tell them it’s dangerous, it’s not theirs, ask them how they would feel if someone played with their things and use simple words and terms.
- Redirect – Sometimes if kids are throwing a tantrum all you have to do is redirect them. What this means is if your child wants to play with your other child’s toy and you don’t want them to, give them something else to play with. Find some of the child’s favorite things and give them a choice of toys they can play with. If they want to play outside but it’s raining give them a choice of things they can play inside.
- Play With Him – Sometimes all you have to do to keep a tantrum from starting in the first place it take 10 minutes of your time and play with your child. Let’s say you have to get the whole house clean because you have company coming over but your child wants your attention. He doesn’t understand that you are busy and can’t give him attention right now, but if you don’t give him attention he will get it anyway by throwing a tantrum.
Take 10 minutes and dedicate it just to him. Get him started doing something and then sneak away saying something like, “you keep building that while I go over here and do this”. He will now be satisfied and you will be able to get your work done. Just ask him how it’s going once in a while and he will think you are still playing with him.
