Teach Children to Express Anger Constructively
There are few, if any, parents who are not consumed by constant fear about their child’s well being. The world is a scary place, especially compared to twenty years ago. Imagine the fear of a child exposed to abuse and neglect on top of having to start a new life in a stranger’s home. It’s no wonder “aggressive” and “angry” are two words often used to describe a foster child when the social worker is seeking a new placement.
We see violence in television, video games, the news, movies, music, magazines, newspapers, and even in the schools. As the amount of “permissible” violence increases, so do acts of aggression and feelings of anger. Unfortunately, foster children are not just exposed to the images described above, but they have been victims of it. The result of all this exposure is desensitization to violence, which leads to the thinking that anger is the only way to solve a problem.
The flip side to this is that since aggression and anger are learned behaviors, they can also be “unlearned”. In other words, just as one learns how to control oneself in a crisis, one can also learn how to control aggressive tendencies and manage anger. The first step is to ensure we are in control of our own anger before expecting any child to learn from us. We must teach anger management with skill, finesse, and consistency. Doing this will have a significant impact on their lives, because they will gain skills that they can use now and forever.
The following are six strategies* I learned through my work as a social worker, in my undergraduate and postgraduate studies, and from several successful foster parents. They are easy to learn and easy to use. These are effective tools to help teach children how to control their anger. The sooner they are taught, the better. The reward is a child who learns to control himself for life!
1.Model Calmness. The best way to teach children how to deal with anger constructively is by showing them through your example! After all, you don’t learn how to calm down by reading about it in a book, but by seeing someone do it. Use those frustrating experiences as “on-the-spot lessons” of ways to calm down. Here’s an example. Suppose you get a phone call from the auto shop saying your car estimate has now doubled. You’re furious! Standing nearby is your child hearing the conversation and now watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson: “I am so angry right now,” you calmly tell your child. “The auto shop just doubled the price for fixing my car.” Then offer a calm-down solution: “I’m going on a quick walk so I can get back in control.” You’re now a living example of calmness, and that example is what your child will emulate.
2.Exit and Calm Down. One of the toughest parts of parenting is when children address their anger towards us. If you’re not careful, you find their anger fueling emotions in you that you never realized were in you. Beware: anger is contagious. It’s best to make a rule in your home from the start: “In this house we solve problems when we’re calm and in control.” And then consistently reinforce the rule.
Here’s an example of how you might use it. The next time your child is angry and wants a quick solution, you might say, “I need a time out. Let’s talk about this later” and then exit calmly and don’t answer back. I had one foster mom tell me her only escape was to lock herself in the bathroom. The child continued kicking and screaming, but she would not come out until he was calm. It took a few “locked up times” for the child to realize she meant business. And from then on the child knew that mom would only talk about the problem when he was in control.
Exiting calmly then talking is especially difficult rule to uphold when you’re dealing with aggressive children who love power struggles. I did a two-day foster training in Pasadena recently and a foster dad told me one of his teenage boys always wanted to argue everything. Too often, the father admitted, he ended up heatedly arguing with him. So he decided to try the rule that night. As predicted, the boy came up angry and immediately started yelling. Remembering the rule, the father calmly looked at him saying, “You sound upset. Let’s talk when you’re in control,” and walked away. Later that evening, the teenager questioned the father, “Hey, what’s wrong with you anyway?” When the father asked what he meant, the son replied, “Well, you didn’t yell at me. Something must be the matter with you,” and walked away. At the next day’s training session, the father explained how the encounter convinced him to stop getting into power struggles with his son. And he vowed from then on to exit at the first sign of confrontation, and talk later when everyone was calm.
3.Develop a Feeling Vocabulary. Many children display anger because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to show their feelings. Asking this kid to “tell me how you feel” is unrealistic, because he may not have learned the words to tell you how he is feeling! To help him express his anger, create a feeling word poster together saying: “Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really angry” then list his ideas. Here’s a few: angry, mad, frustrated, furious, irritated, ticked off, irate, and incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your child is angry, use the words so he can apply them to real life: “Looks like you’re really angry. Want to talk about it?” or “You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?” Then keep adding new emotion words to the list whenever new ones come up in those great “teachable moments” opportunities throughout the day.
4.Create a Calm Down Poster. There’s dozens of ways to help children calm down when they first start to get angry. Unfortunately, many children have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. And so they keep getting into trouble because the only way they know inappropriate ways to express their anger So talk with your child about more acceptable “replacer” behaviors. You might want to make a big poster listing them. Here’s a few ideas a group of fourth graders thought of: walk away, think of a peaceful place, run a lap, listen to music, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, draw pictures, talk to someone, or sing a song. Once the child chooses his “calm down” technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry. Repetition of the new anger management strategy again and again is the best way for it to become a habit.
5.Develop an Awareness of Early Warning Signs. Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting angry. We should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tells her she’s starting to get upset such as, “I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry and I breathe faster.” Once she’s aware of them, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. “Looks like you’re starting to get out of control.” or “Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” You may want to develop a secret signal between the two of you like touching your ear or tapping your head that you can use in public.
The more we help children recognize those early angry warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It’s also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until a child is already in “melt down” to try to get her back into control is usually too late.
6.Teach Anger Control Strategies. A very effective strategy for helping children to calm down is called “3 + 10.” You might want to print the formula on large pieces of paper and hang them all around your house. Then tell the child how to use the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do two things. First, take 3 deep slow breaths from your tummy.” (Please, please model this with your child. Show her how to take a deep breath. Tell her to pretend she’s riding an escalator. Start at the bottom step and as you take the breath ride up the escalator slowly. Hold it! Now ride slowly down the escalator releasing your breath steadily at the same time). “That’s 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together, it’s 3 + 10 and it helps you calm down.”
The following are questions/activities you may want to try in your foster home.
1.What was the most important thing you learned from this piece?
2.How will you use it in your foster home?
3.What three things can you teach your child to do so that they stay in control?
4.What is the best way to teach children how to deal with anger constructively?
5.What rule should foster parents use in their foster home to teach anger
management?
6. If a child tries to engage you in a power struggle, how can you best handle it?
7.What are two ways a Feeling Poster can help to teach anger management strategies?
8.Explain the 3 + 10 strategy.
*: An excellent book that examines and teaches moral development called Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do The Right Thing was written by Michele Borba, Ed.D. In this book, she lists these six strategies as well as a host of other useful skills to help children develop into emotionally healthy adults. For more information or to obtain Dr. Borba’s book, please visit www.moralintelligence.com
