Ten DIY Home Repairs to Please the Wife

Over the evolution of humankind, certain roles as applied to the sexes have been established. Good or bad, they are what they are – all of societal anti- discriminatory good intentions and “enlightened” movements directed at erasing stereotypes of men and women are little more than lip service when it comes to the real deal. If you have a snake in your house, 95% of the time who gets rid of it? A disgustingly clogged toilet, stinking trash, backbreaking lifting, dead animals in the yard are almost exclusively “man jobs”. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, women are perfectly capable of handling these dilemmas, they just don’t want to. That’s why most of them keep a man around. As an official representative of my gender, I can state we readily accept our diminished status, we know our place.

After fifteen years of marriage, I can say unequivocally without a hint of reservation, nothing makes a woman happier than seeing a Man filthy, sweating, cursing and exhausted. Hell, even bleeding is okay (as long as it isn’t an artery). It elevates the Female “self-esteem” and reaffirms what Lifetime Television contributes to society, that all men are little more than animals. I can live with that. We get our revenge by watching Jerry Springer and fantasizing how those folks are interchangeable with our in-laws.

Having said all that, chores arise that need addressed eventually, and cannot be escaped. I figure if I need to do them anyway, I may as well get some “Good Boy” mileage out of them. Here are ten home repairs guaranteed to make your significant other remember your value as a beast of burden:

Clean the Outside Trash Cans – Those maggots didn’t come with the can. After you’re done washing the cans, spray them with some good smelling stink um.

Clean the Gutters – Nothing says “I Love You” like risking your life on a slippery moss covered roof.

Oil, Grease, and Oil – Lubricate every squeaking hinge in the house. The drawback to this is now she can sneak up on you.

Car Maintenance – It does not matter if you’re filling the fluids or installing a new transmission, you’ll get the same credits.

Yard Work – Turn some dirt, weed flowers, or pick up those little gifts the dog leaves for you. Rub a little dirt on your face for effect. Make sure it’s dirt.

Clean Exterior Windows – Important! Make certain you do a spectacular job, if you don’t, you’ll be doing it again.

Move Something Heavy – It does not matter what, be sure it’s something she wanted moved and can’t do herself. Grunt while doing it, when finished hold your lower back and limp a little (might be good for a back rub later).

Electrical Work – Change a switch, install a light or ceiling fan. My Wife has a Masters Degree and when I put in a wall switch you’d think I split the atom.

Anything related to power tools – Drilling, chain saws, tillers, etc. They are great props to give the appearance you are actually doing something.

Do Something for her Mother – This is the ultimate gift. You can make two women happy at once, as well as gain good PR within the family. Ensures you won’t get the burger that fell on the ground at the next family gathering.

The most important part of this is that it can all be accomplished in a day, but will supply you with argument ammo for at least 3 months. At the very least, every hour of time spent on the above should translate into an hour of sports on television with a cold beer. The art of impressing your Wife with Home Repairs is an acquired skill, in fact, one can make it their life’s work. Start slowly, don’t give it all at once, meter it out over the years. Don’t let that newlywed puppy dog phase over ride your common sense. After all, once all repairs are made, what does she need you for?