Ten Family Friendly Jokes

#1. A curly haired, seven-year-old boy was caught by his mother trying to drown the family cat in the bathtub.
Terrified, the mother screamed, “Timmy stop holding the cat under the water!”
Timmy raised the gasping cat above the water, looking over his shoulder at his mom, and then dunked and held him under the water again saying, “Only two more to go!”
The mother quickly yanked the boy and cat up in the air and clear of the splashing water. “What in the world do you think you are doing young man?!”
“Mommy, I caught him on the kitchen table peeing on the chocolate pie you made for supper.”
As ‘Mommy’ slammed the cat back under the water, “Only one more to go!”

#2. Mom: “Sally, how was school today?”
Four year old Sally: “Jack hurt his head and blood was spilling all over the ground, Bo lost her pet and later found out it was run over by a car, Peter’s girl friend broke up with him and he went on an eating binge, and little Tommy Tucker is homeless.”
Mom: “My goodness Sally, how did your teacher manage to handle all of that?”
Sally: “Well for one thing she said she is never letting Timmy read the nursery rhymes to us again!”

#3. The dog was out in the yard retching and throwing up under the shade tree. As the cat walked by he commented, “Man, and I thought my fur balls looked nasty!”
The dog with a puzzled look on his face, “Okay, maybe those weren’t left over meatballs after all?”

#4. Two squirrels, Skippy and Skeet, perched on a limb looking in a kitchen window. “I think I have it figured out, Skeet. She puts stuff in that metal box with the dials, it glows for a short while and then she takes stuff out to eat.”
Skeet, scratching his head, “Skippy, I don’t think so. Last week little Timmy put his pet hamster in it for just a few minutes and nobody looked hungry for a long time after that.”

#5. Skippy and Skeet, two squirrels, were chasing a Mockingbird through the water sprinklers and around the yard for what seemed like hours. Collapsing under the shade tree Skippy noticed Skeet chewing on something, “Hey friend congratulations. Did you get a piece of him when I had my back turned?”
With a tortured look on his face Skeet replied, “Nope, but if eating worms makes you move like that, I’m willing to give it a try.”

#6. It was almost winter and Skippy and Skeet had been working feverishly to get food stored away for the winter. Skippy skidded to a halt when he noticed his friend Skeet chewing on an old newspaper. “Skeet quit wasting time. We’ve tried that before and it never tasted good!”
“I know Skip, I know, but this one is full of stories about a Bush that everyone says is nuts.”

#7. Six-year-old Sally asks her mother with all with all seriousness. “Mommy, why after dinner does Daddy sometimes get that strange look on his face and then the room just smells awful?”
Trying to stay serious Mom replies, “Sally the human body after ingesting food goes through numerous process’ which has as one of it’s byproducts occasional gases which then have to be released and sometimes have an odor.”
Smiling with relief Sally says, ” Thank goodness Uncle Billy was wrong. He told me that something had crawled up Dad’s pants and died and my pet hamster has been missing.”

#8. What do you get when you cross a vice president with a lawyer? Only minor wounds if you’re lucky.

#9. When politicians and lawyers get together the public usually gets to pay the bill. Not necessarily funny� but you might as well laugh.

#10. Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off and who was left? Three lawyers and a brief case full of money.