Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Buy Monopoly
1. “Monopoly” is tough on sensitive children and adults.
Part of the fun of the game is being a real shyster and a creep to the other players, taking them for everything they’ve got and kicking them when they’re down. When everyone’s in a good mood, that’s fine. However, if someone at the game table is having a bad day already? Ouch, ouch, ouch.
2. When you play “Monopoly,” everyone is the loser.
The losers of “Monopoly” are definitely losers. There are not many games that offer a loss quite as traumatic and unsettling as the slow, helpless feeling of falling into bankruptcy at the cold, sadistic hands of a friend or relative who you previously thought was warm, gentle, loving, and on your side. However, even the winners of “Monopoly” have a really bad time. The nervous, guilty pleasure of beating other people at the game is a lot more terrible than winning at almost any other board game, because it makes you realize you’re probably the biggest jerk in the room. Losing at Monopoly can be the sad icing on a cake of sadness, and winning at it can make you wonder who you really are inside, so if you must buy Monopoly, make sure you only play it when everyone feels emotionally safe and secure.
3. “Monopoly” is really, really boring.
Monopoly is notorious for being a game that takes, literally, forever. And with long play comes long periods where almost nothing interesting is happening.
4. “Monopoly” is pretty bi-polar.
The first few rounds of the game are exciting as every scrambles to buy every property on the board. The first few rounds after someone gets a monopoly and starts building on it are exciting because they have the potential to totally reverse the trends of who is winning and losing. The last few rounds, when people are doing everything possible to stay afloat, making crazy trades and mortgaging the shirts on their backs, are also very exciting. However, the rest of the time, game play consists of making almost no decisions, of having no strategy at all, just going around and around the board and letting fate move you towards, or away from, bankruptcy. The sudden switches between frenzy and stagnation definitely aren’t to everybody’s taste.
5. “Monopoly” is expensive.
Who wants to pay like $20 for a game that is upsetting, boring, and bi-polar? $20 buys a lot of ice cream, and you know that will make you and your family and friends much happier.
6. “Monopoly” lends itself to multitasking.
You can play “Monopoly” while you do other things. This is both bad and good. Bad because it proves that the game is, as discussed above, very, very boring. Good because it means you can play while doing something else that is really fun, like watching television or having an argument.
7. “Monopoly” has too many pieces.
You’re looking at dozens of little plastic houses and hotels. A bunch of weird little metal playing pieces including a dog, a shoe, a boat, and a jockey on a horse. Lots of chance and community chest cards, and of course, the paper money that is destined to fly everywhere when an irate loser tosses the board across the room with gusto. All in all, you’re looking at a lot of clean-up time, and you’ll probably lose some items between your couch cushions.
8. “Monopoly” pieces are too small.
Let me get serious for a moment – if you have young children in the house, don’t buy Monopoly. The tiny pieces are a choking hazard, so if you must have or play the game, keep an eye on any toddlers or babies nearby, and make sure everything ends up safely stowed away in the box on a high shelf when you’re done. Plus, think about it: do you really want to play a game that could literally kill a baby?
9. There are lots of more interesting versions of “Monopoly.”
There’s a “Monopoly” or a “Monopoly” spin-off for almost every interest under the sun. There’s even “Golfopoly,” about golf, “Birdopoly,” about birds, and “BOOOOO-opoly,” which is about ghosts. There are also a slew of “Town-O-Poly”s that are customized with local businesses and services. With all of these Opolies, why would you ever buy just. . . “Monopoly,” which is about some weird rich guy with a cane and has all these random properties named after Atlantic City streets? You’ve probably never even been to Atlantic City, and even if you have, did you really like it as much as you like birds or ghosts?
10. There are too many versions of “Monopoly.”
With all of these Monopolies up for grabs, the decision process is just too stressful. How could you ever make the choice, for example, between “U.S. Army Monopoly,” “U.S. Air Force Monopoly,” or “U.S. Marines Monopoly”? How could one of these really be better than any other, when all of them equally celebrate and protect the American way of life? Rather than undergo the trauma of having to pick one from the many, just forget about Monopoly and stay in bed all day.
