Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Buy a Ford Focus
Reason #1: Lack of Speed. Want to put your life in danger? Take the Ford Focus out for a drive on major roads and interstates! What fun! Not only does it have the energy of a turtle on valium, but you can almost feel the diesel breath of an 18-wheeler at the back of your neck! And, for goodness sake, make sure you always drive in the right lane! That way, you can pull off the highway before becoming a victim of road rage from all the angry drivers with flashing lights, blaring horns, and middle fingers trying to pass you!
These days, I mostly use my Ford Focus around town. Every few blocks, red lights greet me with their soothing glow. “Relax, big guy!” they seem to say. “Don’t be in such a hurry!” That way, I’m not tempted to gun my lemon to an awesome 55 miles per hour of mind-altering speed!
Reason #2: Poor Steering. Maneuvering your car through the Unaware and the Just-Plain-Ignorant at a Wal-Mart Supercenter on a Friday night is a challenge for any vehicle. However, it’s a nightmare for anyone unlucky enough to drive a Ford Focus. Especially when you have to steer your Focus around cars driven by Tobacco Tammy and Cell phone Sam – one handed road warriors commandeering the entire parking lot! This doesn’t include dodging runaway carts, bratty children, or dim bulbs who back up without looking in their rearview mirrors.
Reason #3: Too Low to the Ground. Granted, this feature of the Ford Focus is a blessing if you have young children. Or if you’re driving the Mayor of Munchkin Land to an important meeting. But, driving down mountain roads or driveways becomes a major challenge for the Focus. Most annoying, however, is hearing the tailpipe grinding against asphalt! Fingernails on a chalkboard have nothing on this irritating sound!
Reason #4: Poor Paint Job. Attention Boys and Girls, ages 2-6: Get out your brushes and paint my car! Why? Because I bet you’ll do a better job than my good friends at the Ford Motor Company! A thin layer of paint fails to conceal the base coat. As a result, you have a paint job that is easy to scratch and chip!
Somehow, I get the sneaking suspicion my car was painted on a Friday, after a corporate party! I can see it now: “Hey, Gus! We’re out of our gourds on cheap liquor. Let’s have some fun! Let’s paint some cars!”
Reason #5: Automatic Transmission Skips Gears. I’m not out to set the land speed record or enter NASCAR anytime soon. However, the way my automatic transmission skips, you’d thinking I was at the Lowe’s Motor Speedway with Dale Earnhardt Jr. and friends! Mechanics say there is little I can do except to get routine maintenance on my little gem. They claim this problem is quite common with the Focus. One day – perhaps sooner than I think, I’ll reach the breaking point and take a baseball bat to my little car. Or, maybe, I’ll sell it to some poor schmuck that doesn’t subscribe to Carfax. Then again, I probably won’t.
Reason #6: Limited Headroom. At 5’10”, I’m not exactly a giant among men. Yet, hopping into my Ford Focus makes me feel like the Jolly Green Giant. Yet, there’s no ho-ho-ho’s or high fives for the lack of headroom inside the Focus. Most of my friends, whom are taller, agree! Their heads touch the ceiling! Avoid speed bumps and potholes at all costs, or you’ll end up with a headache! Thankfully, my wife is only five feet tall!
Reason #7: Poor Windshield Design. The windshield of my Ford Focus should be an event planner, as it loves to invite rocks and debris to hit it! The glass has more pockmarks than a teenager with acne, and the hits just keep on coming! Surely the engineers at Ford Motor Company can design a better windshield. I imagine if my name was Donald Trump, they would! Of course, Mr. Trump wouldn’t be seen behind the wheel of my Focus!
Reason #8: Rattling Noise. Shake, rattle, and roll! The Ford Focus drums to a different beat – one that makes you want to rip out your hair, slap yourself silly, and eat paste! Around town, this gem delivers its annoying riffs at the most infrequent times: at stoplights, while chatting with a friend, or when listening to your favorite song. Of course, it won’t bother you on major interstates, but the drivers behind you will! (See Reason 1: Lack of Speed.)
Reason #9: Check Engine Light Problems. Quick Question: What do you do if the “Check Engine” light pops on in your car? Right: You pull over and check all fluids! But, what if the “Check Engine” light pops on for no obvious reason except to annoy you the point you now believe there’s a hell on earth? Right: You shoot the car! Sometimes, I believe the Ford Focus was designed by the strange minds that gave us Mad Magazine or “Punk’d”! What other reason could explain the “Check Engine” light popping on for no apparent reason?
Reason #10: Poor Suspension. Remember the mechanical bull, that entertaining ride and test of skills as featured in the film “Urban Cowboy”? Well, the Ford Focus is a little like that! With it’s nearly non-existent suspension, you and the family can feel like rodeo cowboys every day! Hold on tight as your horse “Focus” hits that pothole, partner! Watch your head, buckaroos, as you carefully go over that dangerous speed bump! The twists and turns are endless, cowboy! That’s what makes the Ford Focus such a rip-roaring, knee-slapping adventure!
