Thank You for Smoking? You Are Welcome
Last Sunday was beautiful out so I decided to take a walk through beautiful downtown Charleston and enjoy the nice weather. I was sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette, minding my own business, when a girl came up to me and said, “You really ought to quit smoking otherwise you’ll get cancer”. I didn’t know what to say in response. Luckily for her, she jogged off in her little pink shorts that read ‘cutie’ on the backside before I could come up with a clever quip. But in retrospect, I have some thoughts on my mind.
I am well aware that cigarettes cause cancer. I read the Surgeon General’s Warning. “Smoking may cause cancer, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancies.” I also understand that second-hand smoke is dangerous. I’m not looking to hurt anyone else. Therefore, I will put my cigarette out if it offends you. I will go outside in the cold to smoke because smoking inside has been deemed inappropriate and I’m from Wisconsin where it actually gets cold. I will not smoke in restaurants so that people can eat their food in good taste. I don’t mind going to bars where they do not allow smoking because I, too, like to wake up from a long night of partying and not smell like stale smoke. I understand that smoking does not make me cool nor does it make me a good role model. My family knows that I smoke but I do not smoke in front of some of them as a sign of respect and I never smoke around the children in my family because I understand how impressionable a young mind can be. I smoke out of dependency and I rely on cigarettes for comfort. I am aware that this is not a healthy coping mechanism and I am trying to find better ways to relieve stress.
I am also aware of the other effects of smoking. I am aware that my breath smells and my hair, too. I don’t smoke to be cool. I’m cool enough without them. But as I looked up at this girl, at her tanned, leathery, dried up, and almost unnaturally orange face, I wanted to cringe and say, “So does fake baking, you vain, vapid, narcissistic, rude, and intruding princess.” But I believe that she is an adult and can make up her own mind about what activities to participate in that will lead to her eternal demise. Her disgusting skin will eventually flake off if, of course, the skin cancer doesn’t take her first. Just as I accept that I will cough up a lung and die, die from emphysema, or maybe even lose my voice completely. I accept that. So thanks for caring enough for me. But don’t waste your time. Go back to your tanning bed, you insignificant air head Tropicana wannabe, and await your terrible fate and let me take another drag.
