The 666 Special: Satan is so Hot Right Now

Well, if you read by last article “Women Everywhere Inducing Labor to Avoid 6/6/6 Birth” (a great bit of satire, you should really check it out), you’d know that today (which, by the time you read this, is actually like two weeks later) is June 6, 2006. Or as it will effectively be known for ever: 6/6/06. Nothing’s happening right now; and I’m not sure how I feel about this. The worst thing that could happen, obviously, would be some kind of horrible terrorist attack (as terrorists tend to use clever dates to unleash their assaults- see 9/11/01); and I would never want that too happen. I’m a little disappointed, however, that there isn’t some other weird (innocuous) shit happening; like armies of black cats wandering the streets or strange clouds. That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

Well, while I wait for Satan to show his face (perhaps in my coffee), you can go out and see “The Omen”- in theatres today (great marketing ploy). Here are some thoughts on The Omen as well as some other Satan related material; in celebration of 6/6/06.

THE OMEN

This is the remake of the horror classic and it is definite proof that Satan is so hot right now. Last month, everyone was like “Jesus is so in. I can’t wait for The DaVinci Code; that movie is so going to be awesome.” And then when it turned out that The DaVinci Code actually sucked, everybody was like, “whoa, how overrated is JesusâÂ?¦I can’t wait until The Omen comes out. Satan is the new Jesus.” Well, wait no longer. The remake of the 1976 movie is here (and on 6/6/06 to boot!). It features Julia Styles (whose first cousin actually went to my high school; I never liked him) and that guy from the Scream movies. This movie is going to be huge. Huge financially and huge for Satan; I’d go see it but I’m going to hang around my house and wait for the weird shit to start happening. Any time now, Satan; seriously.

MARILYN MANSON

What better day to blast your copy of Antichrist Superstar than 6/6/06. Marilyn Manson is the most famous member of the Church of Satan (more on this in a second). On a bit of a side note, most people think that the kids who shot up Columbine listened to Marilyn Manson; this is false. They were actually into some way more hardcore German industrial shit. Lesson: Listening to music made by Satanists doesn’t necessarily a serial killer make. Speaking of SatanistsâÂ?¦

THE CHURH OF SATAN

All the Satanist of the world (the cool ones at least) are having a huge party on 6/6/06 in Los Angeles. It’s kind of like a birthday party for Satan only it’s not; it’s the 40th Anniversary of the Church of Satan (churchofsatan.com). Their website is pretty neat; it even has a Welcome Section (which I found ironic). I could talk all day about the Church of Satan and the meaning of 6/6/06, but I’ll let High Priest Magus H. Gilmore do that. Here’s a quote from the almighty high priest, taken directly from the churchofsatan.com website. Enjoy:

“For Satanists, numbers are just numbers, and June 6, 2006 is a day like any other. We are amused by Christians superstitiously being afraid of this number, as well as the date-which is not mentioned in any scriptures. Since we enjoy mocking irrationality in all its forms, we embraced this day to have a celebration of our organization’s freedom from such nonsensical fears. Anton Szandor LaVey called Satanism a “Cosmic Joy Buzzer” to emphasize our function as iconoclasts and pranksters, so going where others “fear to tread” is par for our course.
We are not afraid of 666, nor do we hold it in any particular regard-it is the same with the number 13. Historically, 666 is the name of Emperor Nero reduced to its numerological value through Hebrew Gematria. Satanists think this is quaint, but of no real value except for a record of the lengths people will go to force significance where none exists, objectively speaking.

Satanists are epicurean, skeptical atheists who see Satan as a symbol of pride, individualism, and the quality of questioning all dogmas. The word in Hebrew means “adversary” and so we are each “Satans” to the doctrines that would have people use faith instead of reason to understand the universe in which we live. Our goal is to enjoy this, the only life we have and not waste it in anticipation of a mythical afterlife or an imagined apocalypse.

We’ve heard that there are people who are on one hand trying to have children on this date, and others who are trying to delay or advance their deliveries to avoid it. We find this to be grotesquely primitive. Our suggestion would be to let nature take its course, since the satanic position is always to embrace and flow with Nature, and to drop such ignorant beliefs as they are truly unfitting for those who live in the 21st Century.”

A Happy (albeit belated) 6/6/06 to you and yours!