The ABC’s of Parenting

Parenting is serious business. We are shaping the leaders of tomorrow. Yet, sometimes you just need to take a moment and enjoy the lighter side of life, and that includes parenting. As a mom of two daughters, a nine year old and a three month old, I have had my share of parenting experience. Just thought I would pass on some of this advice to others, and in doing so, hopefully give you a laugh or two!

Advice for Parents:

Always keep 911 and poison control on your speed dial (this includes cell phones) just in case your child swallows something that cannot be safely passed in the toilet or in a diaper.

Be brave. You never know what slimy critters your children will try and sneak home in their pockets. I once found a family of worms in my daughter’s pocket that she decided to bring home from the playground!

Crayons melt�in the dryer, in the car, on the porch�but luckily, not in your hand!

Dog food is an enchanting delicacy for toddlers.

Eating in peace and actually enjoying a real meal is now considered a luxury. Wearing their food is now more the norm.

Fighting. Also known as sibling rivalry. Get used to it. Sadly, you have no choice, unless of course you send them to separate boarding schools.

Gagging is allowed, especially after a really nasty diaper change or if you are cleaning up vomit.

Hide all valuables, this includes your stash of PMS chocolate�if not, kiss it all goodbye! There will nothing left behind but the empty wrappers and your children destroying your home on a sugar high.

Intelligence declines with parenthood. You may have all the answers for your friends and family as far as parenting is concerned, but when it comes to your own kids, clueless is a better description. This is normal.

Jolt. The movement you make while being awaken from a dead sleep when your son screams because he really does believe there are monsters under his bed and in the closet.

Kites are a great outdoor activity to do with the kids, that is, if you have enough energy and stamina to run enough to get the darn thing in the air and actually keep it up there. If you can, more power to you!

Lovey, the official name for that nasty blanket or stuffed animal your daughter carried around until she was 4. Hang on to it. When she goes off to college, having a “lovey” will be cool again and she is going to want it back. Just trust me on this one.

Motherhood includes being a nurse, a psychologist, a maid, a cook, a seamstress, a cop, and most of all a saint. After this journey you will have adequate experience to pursue the career of your dreams, that is if you actually have the energy and motivation to do so.

Nose picking, however gross, is a phase in the growing up process. Expect it.

Outdoor activities are a sure bet when it comes to tiring out your kids. However, it has the same effect on you, so be careful. You are getting older you know!

Pee. When potty training expect this on your walls, on the floor, on you and on any other surface in your house. Look at it as a type of christening, or initiation, so to speak.

Queen�once you decided to have children you gave this title up, however you will be reinstated once you become a grandmother. You will have definitely earned it back!

Rotten smells: possibilities include sour milk or juice bottles/sippy cups left in the car (that registers at 110 degrees), a diaper change is needed, the gerbil finally died and can be found behind the couch, the dog indeed got a hold of the vegetables and left you a present in the corner or you left yet another load of laundry in the washing machine and it is now soured and growing mold.

Sex has to be a planned event with your husband, something you probably dread since that is what got you in this mess to begin with. Now, sleep�that is a different story!

This too shall pass. All too soon they will be grown and gone with lives of their own. That’s where revenge comes in. They will get theirs! Enjoy!

Understanding is a major parenting requirement. Understand that you will never be perfect, get caught up or ever fit into those pre-pregnancy clothes again. If you actually reach these goals, good for you! Write a book and tell us how you did it! Just “understand” this is not a great way to make new friends!

Veggies are your worst nightmare. Sneak them in any chance you get. Otherwise they will end up on the floor, in your face, or your dog will mysteriously have a tummy bug that will include yet another mess you have to clean up.

Waste nothing. Paper towel holders and old macaroni noodles can be a project on a dreaded rainy day.

Xylophones as gifts for kids should be illegal. Spare your nerves and your hearing, if your child receives one as a gift promptly hide it and re-gift it. Yes, tacky I know, but you will thank me in the long run.

Yelling becomes a habit. Do you remember when you said you would never ever yell at your kids? Yeah, right!

Zoo, this is the official title of your home until your children eventually leave the nest. Just a heads up, they do eventually leave, but often return with your grandkids in tow.