The Amazing New Parent-to-Preschooler Translator

Anyone who has ever been a parent knows the difficulty of communicating with preschool aged children. The problem is that when you speak to a child who is three to five years old, the child does not hear the actual words that are coming out of your mouth. Rather, the child’s humongous yet underdeveloped head processes your language in such a way that the youngster hears something completely different from what you have in fact said. That is why when you tell preschoolers not to put their fingers in a light socket, they immediately put their fingers in the nearest light socket. Now, the amazing new Parent-to-Preschooler Translator can help you understand what your young son or daughter actually thinks you have said. Here are just a few examples of the common parenting phrases that you will find helpfully translated in the Parent-to-Preschooler Translator.

You say: “NO!”
Preschooler hears: “Probably yes.”

You say: “Do not jump on the couch!”
Preschooler hears: “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

You say: “You cannot bring your bike in here, the bike is an outdoor toy.”
Preschooler hears: “When I’m not looking, push your bike through the carport door and into the house, then ride it across the white carpet.”

You say: “No, we’re not having chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast.”
Preschooler hears: “Now is the time for you to sob, scream wildly and thrash about on the floor because I am not your parent so much as I am a spineless slug who, if you carry on long enough, will eventually give you all the breakfast ice cream you want – and cookies, too!”

You say: “Do not put that pea in your nose!”
Preschooler hears: “There is a magical garden that grows inside your head, but the magical garden is sad because it does not have any peas and you are the only one in the whole world who can make the magical garden happy by planting a pea in your nose.”

You say: “Come on, it’s time for you to get in the tub.”
Preschooler hears: “Run! Run away from the giant ogre with sharp teeth and long yellow fingernails who is trying to put you in a big bubbling pot of stew!”

You say: “Bedtime.”
Preschooler hears: “Go hide under the kitchen table, I’ll never find you there and you can stay awake forever.”

You say: “Sweet dreams, I love you.”
Preschooler hears: “In two minutes, get out of bed and come see me in the living room because you will suddenly be overcome by a life-threatening thirst that can only be slaked by a sippy-cup of milk.”

With the Parent-to-Preschooler Translator, you finally have a way to bridge the communication gap between you and your children. Once you know precisely what they are hearing when you speak, you can modify your language to elicit the behavior you want from them. And if that doesn’t work, you can always bribe them with chocolate chip ice cream and cookies.