The Art of Making Your Ass Look Good in Pants

Your ass is a temple. So choose pants wisely.

Spend some time in public one day to examine how other people’s asses look in pants. Study them the way you would study gorillas in the jungles of Africa. This may require some strategic hiding behind bushes or ducking under bus stop benches, but this simple act of observation is the necessary foundation for being an expert at buying pants. The worst that can happen is that people will think you’re a pervert. (And in some social circles, that’s a compliment.)

You’ll notice that some people wear pants that make it look like they were born without an ass. Although that would make a cool bumper sticker (picture it: “Born Without an Ass”), it’s definitely not a badge of honor. When it’s as flat as a skateboard down there, it’s unflattering to say the very least. The surprising thing is that a lot of these people actually have nice asses. They were just careless and bought pants that didn’t properly display their assets.

If you have long luxurious hair, you wouldn’t throw on a baseball cap to go to a fancy Hollywood party. You’d show that hair off, making it call out like a mythic Siren, and hypnotize people into running their unworthy fingers through your locks.

Likewise, you can’t look sexy shaking your booty on the dance floor if people can’t even tell that you have a booty to shake.

(Criticizing teens who wear baggy pants that hang low enough to reveal their dirty underwear is beyond the scope of this article, as well as beyond the scope of good taste.)

First of all, never buy a pair of pants without trying them on in the fitting room in front of a full-length mirror. This effectively bars you from shopping for pants online or at warehouse stores like Costco, where the clothes are piled high on the concrete floor with no fitting rooms on the premises. You need to be able to see what your ass looks like.

Secondly, understand that all pants are different. Yes, we know that khakis are not like slacks and sweats are not like capris. But even within the same category, there can be grand distinctions. Jeans are not all the same-they can vary wildly in style, quality, and especially fit. Sometimes the differences are subtle, but they’re worth considering. Even pants by the same designer in the exact same style may fit differently if you put on just one size above or below what your actual size is. Even the same pants in a different color may fit differently on you. Try them all.

So, make sure your ass doesn’t disappear. Its shape should be outlined by the pants. Even people with misshapen asses or freakishly small asses or embarrassingly big asses can look good in the right pair of pants. They all fit different people differently, and some pants can somehow show off a person’s best ass characteristics, while other pants can strategically hide a person’s worst.

However, your pants should not hug your ass like a second skin. Unless you’re a superhero or a bike messenger-and even then you’d better be in the process of saving the world or delivering a package. For most of us, our pants should be worn to give people an impression of what our ass might look like naked. There’s something to be said for preserving a little bit of mystery. Wearing pants that are too tight is like hugging a baby rabbit to death. And you are not living in a Steinbeck novel.

Admittedly, there are some people who actually have no ass. This article cannot help those people. Only padding can. Or ass surgery.

Also, if you wear a belt, put a belt on the pants you are trying on. Belts can have an effect on the way pants bunch around your backside. Without the belt, you can be deceived into thinking the wrong pants are the right pants for you.

The other-and most disturbing-pants faux pas that you will observe in public has to do with people’s ominous cracks. It’s a wonder and a shame how some people can go through life wearing pants that ride up the crack of their asses. Are you one of these people? Does it look like your ass is hungry and is eating your pants? If you are, stop. Right now.

Even if you’re lucky enough to find a pair of pants that show off the shape of your ass, it still may not be for you. The reason why some pants fit so well around your cheeks is because the seam along the crack area is sewn in a particular way. And sometimes, it causes your pants to attempt to crawl inside of you.

So once you have confirmed that your ass is not flat-looking in a pair of pants in front of a mirror, look carefully at what your crack is doing. Stand up straight. Does the seam sit comfortably outside your body? Good. Start walking in place. This is where things frequently break down: the walk test. On many occasions, you will find a pair of pants that show off your ass and that don’t take an unnatural interest in crawling inside while you are standing up straight. But it may all fall apart when you do the walk test, and you have to start all over again. It can get infuriating. You will feel betrayed. You may leave the store empty-handed and have to shop somewhere else another day, perhaps another week. But it’s worth the time and the effort.

Invariably, when you’re out on your ass-in-pants-observation mission, you will see some things that will make you shake your head and some things that will make you laugh out loud. Do you want to be the butt of other people’s jokes? No. So take your time and use your head. Your ass depends on it.