The Bra

When exactly did the bra make its debut? Why do we want so badly to wear one when we’re younger, and wish for nothing more than the opportunity to go without one once we’re an adult? The bra is supposed to give support and contour to the breasts. Take it from a small breasted woman-it does not contour. Instead, it confirms many already prevalent insecurities that women have about their bodies, big or small.

A small breasted woman looks at her bra and wishes it were bigger, desiring a bigger cup size (but not number, because no one wants a wider back). Women whose breasts cause them mostly back ache and leave them desiring respect-you know the old “my eyes are up here!” syndrome-are reminded that they could never see their shoes while standing up. It’s so unfortunate for them (but is it really?).

Some people go the Pam Anderson route, and some take the Dr. 90210 road, vowing to wear a halter top bathing suit without needing a neck brace. But for the majority of women, the bra is a nightmare. The male gender doesn’t know what to do with it at any age. They fumble with it during that first time they get to second base at that tender adolescent age of 13, and they fumble with it during foreplay at that tender adolescent age of 31. To men the bra is just another thing to have to remove before getting to the goods. We can all go without an extra task during sex. Although, they are quite sexy if you have the perfect underwear set-but who has money for Agent Provocateur?!

Men hardly appreciate them. Women loathe wearing them. Do we actual need the bra? We need to go back to the days when breasts were able to hang free and no one smirked and blushed when they saw one. Yeah that’ right-the Sixties. Every lady should grab her favorite bra and burn it (unless it is from Agent Provocateur, let’s not get crazy now). That’s right burn that sucker! Burn the bra and declare freedom from hours and hours of searching for the perfect strapless, low back bra to wear with that ridiculously expensive back plunging halter top you bought to make that ex and his new twenty something-year-old girlfriend jealous. Let your babies hang awkwardly in that top, because everyone else’s will-men and women.

So the next time a young girl nearing the na�¯ve days of wanting her first trainer asks where the bra came from, you tell her the devil. Then get a lighter, get near the fireplace, and introduce her to a ritual she will be most grateful for at the age of 34 and the size of 32B.