The Celebrity Bottom 5
Julia Roberts, Oscar winner and America’s sweetheart, did not need to do a Broadway play to justify her career. But, apparently nobody had the balls to tell her this. The immediate reviews for her performance in Three Days of Rain at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre have not been good. Okay, I’ll be fair, they’ve been completely horrible. Theatre people and, more specifically, theatre critics are a strange breed. They tend to be unforgiving, pretentious and smelly. Well, maybe not smelly but I just don’t like them. Now, don’t get me wrong, if Roberts’ performance was as stiff as a board, you don’t have to be a “theatre person” to know that it stank. I won’t be getting out to the performance to see for myself, though, because A) I’m poor, B) I don’t really like the theatre and C) the show is already sold out. So, I’ll just take “everybody’s” word for it. I just can’t understand why actors do this. The difference between movies and plays is huge (I know this because I will go see any movie at any time but I have to be dragged like a screaming toddler to go the theatre). You don’t see Tiger Woods trying out for the Knicks (although at this point, I can’t help thinking that might be an improvement). Stick to the movies JR, you don’t need this headache.
4. “Love”, a new Cirque du Soleil show based on the Beatles music to debut in Vegas
I’ve never seen Cirque du Soleil, although I have heard good things. Most of these things sound something like, “you get past the whole gay, French aspect once you realize how talented these guys are.” I don’t know why people have to point this out to me. I don’t really have a problem with anything gay or French, let alone something gay and French. I am a very open person. I think I would like to see Cirque du Soleil, especially on some psychedelic drugs. But anyway, when I heard that the French acrobats had come up with a new batch of their performance art, circus act set to the music of the Beatles, I was actually a bit deterred. I don’t know what “All You Need is Love” has to do with the trapeze, but apparently European gymnasts know more about this kind of stuff than
I do. Spokespeople for the show have stated that the late George Harrison actually came up with this kooky idea. Now that’s just weak. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t, but using a dead guy to justify your usage of, arguably, the greatest music ever made is pretty lame. I am so not getting high and going to see Cirque du Soleil now- more like Cirque du Sostupid.
3. Teri Hatcher gets revenge on those who things she screws in the camper
Somehow, I completely missed this story when it came out (whenever that was). Apparently two publications, a celebrity gossip magazine called Heat and a British tabloid called The Daily Sport (which I guess is not about sports), both ran stories that involved Teri Hatcher having sex with strange men in a camper that was parked out in front of her house. This story is so strange that I have to believe it; despite the fact that Hatcher has settled out of court with the people at Heat. I have no problem with Hatcher having sex with strange men (especially if some how, some way one of those strange men is me one day; I am a dreamer, if not anything else). I do have a problem with the camper though. Why not go in the house? We’re these men so strange and conniving that she couldn’t let them in her home. Did she think they would steal something? I would so not steal from Teri Hatcher if she had sex with me, that’s for sure.
2. Eddie Murphy to divorce wife
This is a pretty sad story. I thought these kids were going to make it. They had five children together and it’s something that I don’t feel like I should be talking about. So instead I’m going to talk about the time that Eddie Murphy got caught with a transsexual prostitute; and the unusual demise of said prostitute (a demise that, perhaps, you don’t know about). What’s most interesting about this old bit of news is how little of America cared about it then and how most of America has all but forgot about it now. It seems like in just nine years the entire culture has shifted completely from a bunch of semi sexually repressed perverts to an entire nation of sexually repressed perverts. All Murphy had to say back in 1997 was that he was giving this person a ride home because he was trying to be a Good Samaritan, and everybody bought it. That would never happen in 2006. Sexual mishaps are the greatest thing that can happen to the 24 hour news outlets (just slightly above exploiting the poor during natural disasters and the first six months of a war). Atison Seiul would be a star in 2006, and that’s why it’s kind of sad that I just found out she’s been dead since 1998. The transsexual died in an accidental fall. She had locked herself out of her apartment and attempted to swing from a tree using a towel into an open window. She could never have been a member of Cirque du Soleil.
1. Michael Jackson is back, sort of
Hide the kids and the Jesus Juice, the King of Pop is planning his return. Michael Jackson announced recently that he has signed a deal with a Two Seas Records, a company owned by Bahrain royal family member Abdulla Hamad Al-Khalifa. I don’t have much to say about this. I just don’t understand why Michael Jackson can’t do one normal thing anymore. A Bahraini label? That is so unnecessarily weird. I would pay at least eleven dollars to eat with Michael Jackson at McDonalds and talk to him about the rising price of gasoline. But I’m not sure if that’s something that’s physically, let alone logistically, possible.
