The Changing Face of the Stay-at-Home Mom: Raising Your Children Without Losing Your Goals
Once upon a time, in the not too distant past, there were two types of women: those with careers and those with children. Those with careers proved that women could be just as invaluable to the workforce as men, and those with children raised a productive and ambitious generation. The girls who grew up seeing women thrive in engineering, law, medicine and business grasped at the dream of “having it all” by combining careers and motherhood. For many, leaving the six-week old son at day care for 40 hours a week, spending less than three waking hours a day with the preschool daughter and trying to fit in romance and personal time in the weekends was hardly a fairy tale ending.
Recent BabyCenter (www.babycenter.com) surveys found that although 60% of the responding new mothers returned to work, three-quarters of them struggled with the decision, and 40% called the experience “wrenching.” The choice to stay home with children is gaining respect and support. A recent Los Angeles Times poll showed that regardless of gender, marital or parental status, the majority of respondents agreed that “children are better served being with their parents full-time and not being placed in day care before the age of four” (Los Angeles Times, June 19, 1999).
The new parent track is a viable option for the woman who wants to have it all: a successful, fulfilling career and time to raise her children. It challenges the assumption that staying home with small children is detrimental to a parent’s career and asserts that, along with being a priceless and irreplaceable gift to the children, this time can be invaluable to the parent’s personal and professional development. Parenthood can alter a person’s perspective, goals and values and taking a sabbatical provides a time to assess these changes and prepare for future within the new framework.
Profile of the at-home mother.
In a recent poll, money was cited as the primary reason for working by 86 percent of working mothers (Los Angeles Times, April 25 – May 1, 1999), but allowing one parent to step out of the workforce to care for the family’s preschoolers is hardly a luxury reserved only for the wealthy. In fact, according to the U.S. Census Bureau families with higher incomes are more likely to have children in a non-parent care arrangement. For families with a monthly income of $4500 or higher, only 19 percent of 3 to 5 year olds were cared for every day by a parent compared to 49% for families earning less than $1500 per month (“A Child’s Day: Home, School and Play (Selected Indicators of Child Well-Being)”, U.S. Census Bureau, issued February 2001).
The modern full-time mother is likely to be well-educated and professionally accomplished. Mothers & More, a support and advocacy organization for women who have changed the paths of their careers to fit in with their children’s needs, found that their members are on the average 34 years old with two children. More than 80% of their members have college degrees, with 30% possessing Masters, PhD’s or professional degrees. Almost two-thirds do not currently work for pay, but a third still work at least part-time, half of them from home. Over 90% plan on transitioning back into the workforce in the future (www.mothersandmore.org).
At home fathers – a growing trend
The fulltime father, once as odd as the working mother, is becoming an accepted role as more men rearrange their work schedule, cut back on their hours or quit traditional work entirely to care for their small children. A recent BabyCenter poll found that nearly a third of the fathers surveyed would prefer to be stay-at-home parents. According to a U.S. Department of Commerce report on married fathers with employed wives, almost one in five fathers were primary caregivers for preschoolers, and one in four took care of the children while the mother worked (“My Daddy Takes Care of Me! Fathers as Care Providers”, by Lynn M. Casper, September 1997, U.S. Department of Commerce).
The new parent track is open to men, too. Just as women choosing to put their career on hold for the sake of their children aren’t necessarily canceling their entire professional goals, full-time daddies can also use the special, irreplaceable time when their children are small to work toward their dreams.
Staying home – the benefits
“Attachment parenting” is the current hot phrase for childrearing. This practice includes breastfeeding, baby wearing and a complete integration of the infant into the family’s life in order to promote bonding and feelings of security. Breastfeeding not only grants babies innumerous benefits that can’t be duplicated by even the most expensive, scientifically engineered formula, it also has immunologic, social, developmental, psychological and even economic advantages. Some studies suggest that breastfeeding reduces the mother’s risk of certain medical conditions, including ovarian and premenopausal breast cancer and osteoporosis. “Baby wearing”, or holding infants in a sling-like contraption close to the adult’s heart, helps encourage nursing by acquainting parents with the child’s hunger cues.
While breast milk can be expressed and fed to infants in day care or other child care situations, pumping can be inconvenient and for some women even painful. Many workplaces don’t offer sufficient time or an appropriate environment for expressing, despite the benefits to employers in fewer parental absences and lower insurance costs. The American Academy of Pediatrics has found the many women discontinue breastfeeding when they return to work outside of the home and asserts that not enough children in the United States are breastfed for the recommended year.
A parent at home can provide more to an infant or preschooler than just good nutrition. Children aged three and under are at a critical time in their development, and the family with a fulltime mommy or daddy doesn’t have to trust hired help to nurture and guide this vital time. During the first three years, the human brain is rapidly changing. This is the period when nerve cells are connected, and a stimulating environment – one full of loving faces to explore, grocery store aisles to gaze at and picture books to flip through – helps build these connections and lay the foundation for more complex thought processes.
Along with intelligence, personality also blossoms in the first three years. Through early interactions with parents, a child learns to communicate and trust, and masters social skills and the idea that she is a separate person. These early years are the ones were the groundwork for discipline, social interaction, independence and academic achievement. Even the best-chosen, enriching and caring day care won’t have the exact philosophy toward these ends as an individual set of parents. The family who has changed their professional goals to meet the needs of their children won’t have to worry with trying to undo eight hours of someone else’s influence during three or four waking hours.
For the couple used to living on two paychecks, feeding, clothing and educating another family member on one income might seem daunting if not impossible, but there are economic advantages to having a parent working at home, whether paid or as a homemaker. Child care costs are rising, and in 2001 the average family with one child in day care spent $516 a month (Parade, March 3, 2002). Add to that the price of a working wardrobe, commuting expenses, taxes and time-saving convenience foods or take-out meals and some two-income families may actually be losing money.
A one-income home can be more relaxing for the entire family and allow each parent to spend enjoyable one-on-one time with the children. Consider the typical day for a family with one child where both parents work outside the home. When the alarm clock rings in the morning, the adults rush to shower, dress and wolf down a hasty breakfast bar before the baby wakes up, hungry and wet. The father changes the diaper and dresses the infant. The mother nurses the baby, careful to cover her suit with paper towels first, while the father prepares a day’s supply of bottles. There’s not much time to play, because breakfast has to be finished and the car out of the driveway by 8:30. The mother drops the baby off at the day care center and drives another half hour to her office, where she will spend her lunch and breaks expressing milk for the next day.
Both parents put in eight hours of work and the father picks the baby up at day care, stops by the grocery store for some pre-cut vegetables and hurries home to start dinner. After dinner, the parents are exhausted but they have both missed their child all day. After an hour of playing it is bath time, then off to bed to prepare for another hurried day. Two careers and a baby can add up to a lot of stress and frustration.
Compare this to a day in a family where the father works out of the house and the mother is pursuing an advanced degree from home. When the alarm clock rings, the father gets out of bed and starts his day while the mother dozes for a few extra minutes. When the baby wakes up, wet and hungry, the father changes the diaper and brings the infant in to nurse and cuddle with its mother. The father goes off to work and the mother starts her day. After dressing and having a quick breakfast, the mother and child go to the grocery store where the mother talks about the different shapes, colors and smells. At home, the mother prepares lunch and cuts the vegetables and meat for the night’s supper, all while keeping an eye on the baby playing on the floor. After lunch the baby takes an afternoon nap and the mother reviews a chapter in her textbook makes notes for a class project and emails a paper to her professor.
When the baby wakes up, the mother is available to play a few rounds of peek-a-boo, read a few books and change a diaper or two. By the time the father comes home, dinner is ready. After the meal the mother breastfeeds the infant and goes to class while the father finishes the dinner dishes, gives a piggy-back ride, baths the baby and puts her to bed. When the mother comes home, the parents have an hour or two to catch up with each other and share the highlights of their day.
Through cooperation, planning and shared responsibility both parents can spend relaxed time as a family and pursue their personal and professional goals while giving their children the best, most loving care possible.
Staying home – the disadvantages
Not everyday spent caring for an infant is full of giggles and hugs. The full-time parent has to deal with the pressures of a very tiny and sometimes quite unreasonable boss. The responsibility of being completely in charge of the physical, emotional and developmental well-being of another person can be draining. Taking a parent out of the traditional workforce does have some disadvantages – for the children and for the parents.
Some children who have spent most of their time at home in the care of a parent, may require more time to adjust to full-time school or have socialization problems. Frequent trips to the park, involvement in a playgroup will help children learn to interact with their peers. When the full-time mother was the norm, most school systems had half day or every other day kindergarten schedules to help kids ease into independence. Families in school districts where kindergarten is all day and everyday may find that enrolling children in a preschool program for a few hours a week during the months before they begin elementary school may reduce the transition period.
A child who only sees his mother caring for the house and family while his father goes to work and plays golf may have ingrained gender stereotypes. Even if the father is the traditional “breadwinner”, he can still pull his share of baby-duty and household chores when he is home. The at-home parent can involve the children in her schoolwork, volunteer projects or business activities whenever possible. A child who grows up where housework is shared, childcare responsibilities are divided and both parents have interesting pursuits will see that both sexes nurture and either parent has the skills to financially support the family.
Living on one income can be financially draining, and sometimes even impossible, and constantly worrying about money will stress even the strongest marriage. If finances become a problem there are two general ways to compensate: increase the family income or decrease household expenses.
There are ways to generate more money while still keeping child care in the hands of the parents. If one parent works during the days and the other takes evening shifts, the adults can split childrearing responsibilities. Telecommuting or running a home-based business around the child’s schedule may provide a generous and much needed paycheck. Care must be taken, however, to make sure that working from home doesn’t diminish the amount and quality of parent to child interactions.
Another effective means of balancing the family budget is to reduce expenditures. From eating out less often and buying generic products to selling a car and moving to a smaller home, many families can cut back somewhere. The decision may come down to what children need, appreciate and will remember more: their most formative years spent under constant parental care and guidance or two new cars in the garage.
Worrying about a stack of bills isn’t the only problems that at-home parents may encounter. A new mother who has spent most of her adult life culturing her career may feel as if her self-identity has been snatched away when she can no longer introduce herself as a professor, engineer or pharmacist. A man who enjoyed the camaraderie at his busy office may feel isolated and depressed when his only adult conversations are discussions about diapers and potty training with the mothers and nannies at the park. Either parent who thinks that their role in the family isn’t respected or appreciated is likely to grow resentful. Add to this the worry that the at-home parent won’t be able to jump back into his or her career when the time comes, and the situation can become increasingly tense.
A Solution – the new parent track
The full-time parent doesn’t have to simply buck-up and accept the sacrifice of his career and happiness for the sake of the children. There are many opportunities available to help parents advance their professional lives while nurturing for their children. Today’s at-home parent can further their education, develop new skills and experiences, prepare for a career in an entirely new field, start a business or continue to work in their current area. With family support, perseverance and determination a parent can use the precious, irreplaceable years at home with children to work towards a dream or enhance a resume.
The parent who pursues outside interests may have improved self-esteem and feel less isolated. Increasing professional preparedness and choices will lessen worries about resuming a career. The new parent track is about putting the children first, but not putting the profession away.
Whether the children came before the parent started working, while he was in the midst of building his career or at the peak of her professional success, there are several options available for someone who is taking a few years off from the traditional workforce to raise children.
With more and more colleges and other institutions adding web-based courses to their catalog every semester, it has never been easier for the at-home parent to continue formal education without giving up time with her children. For the parent who learns best in a traditional setting, evening and weekend classes are another option. Going back to school with a baby in the house presents some challenges, but whether pursuing a certificate or an advanced degree, the outcome can be increased earning potential and career advancement in the future.
Working at home seems like a dream for many full-time parents. The ideal situation not only allows the parent to hone their skills and gain valuable experience, but also returns a nice paycheck without the added expenses of daycare, commuting and a special wardrobe. While there are many opportunities available, there are also a lot of scams. Working at home requires some research, but the results can be great for the family and the employer.
Becoming a parent brings new responsibilities and new priorities. For the parent who has become disappointed with the hours, travel, benefits or stress of his career choice or who has decided that he wants to make more of a difference in the world, the time spent as an at-home parent presents the perfect opportunity to switch professional directions. A realistic self-assessment combined with careful research will show how to pick the right new career and start working towards it.
To many people owning a business is part of the American dream. Making this dream a reality requires a lot of skills, research and support. Finding the right niche, meticulously preparing and securing adequate funding are integral steps for success.
Whichever side road of the parent track is taken, easing back into the traditional workforce can be intimidating and exciting. Knowing when it is the right time to go back to work, finding leads and going after that perfect job complete parent track. With support, resolve and a sense of humor, it can be a wonderful and rewarding ride.
