The Code of Fantasy Baseball
I will be the first to admit that my buddies and I could probably talk about our league for days on end. In fact, I do believe we went almost 14 hours during a New York Mets doubleheader with San Francisco. There are thousands of opportunities each day to squeeze in a good fantasy debate. ( I recommend work. It helps to pass the time until five) However, if you are out at a club or bar and trying to pick up girls then you must, and I will repeat this for effect, MUST leave the fantasy team at home. That includes checking on your ESPNmobile every five minutes for updates.
Have your rotation ready for the day, cross your fingers, and try to get lucky. What would you rather have: your team do well that day or a bit of “quality time” with your significant other? I promise your team will recover but if you voted for your team than skip rules 2 and 3 and go right to Rule 4: Don’t Lose Your Dignity.
ONE STAR DOES NOT WIN THE WORLD SERIES
Unless it’s Albert Pujols. I’m kidding. Just ask the guy in our league who has Pujols and Santana and is in sixth place right now. Many players will trash a quality team to trade for that one big name guy. Guess what? It just doesn’t win. Find yourself ten or eleven (however many your league permits) players who put up consistent numbers. A big star never hurts but make sure you surround them with decent players. One guy hitting .500 and 8 others hitting .150 is not going to help you.
Like any type of gambling (and yes, Fantasy baseball is definitely gambling) it is all about playing the odds. Risk seldom pays off in this sport. Keep the plan simple, consistent, and make two great moves at the end of the year to bring in your title. That is how the great ones do it.
IT’S A LONG SEASON
Do not be the idiot who uses all of their waiver moves before the All Star Break because you can’t relax. Fantasy baseball is just like real baseballâÂ?¦ boring as all hell unless you’re drinking. (Another joke) That only applies to old people who can’t play anymore, like Randy Johnson.
Baseball is a six month season and crazy things can definitely happen. Everyone remembers the almost impossible run of the 2005 Houston Astros. Save your moves for that ace pitcher and ace hitter who catches fire in August. A lot of players will tire out as the year heads into September and you will need the moves to find the hot hand then. It is useless in May because a lot can change. I know you need that immediate gratification but check back on Rule 1 for things to do while you wait for August. Like every marathon, keep yourself in the lead pack until the last month and then go for gold.
DON’T LOSE YOUR DIGNITY
Most of your “professional” advice columnists will say that you should never become attached to your favorite players because you may have to trade them for the good of the team later on. (Just look at the New England Patriots They have three Super Bowls in five years. They must know what they are talking about.)
In any case, what most “professionals” won’t tell you, is that this rule comes with an asterix. It is dangerous to become attached to favorites, especially if they are sucking this year (Greg Maddux, why do you forsake me?) BUT there is no excuse for you to forget what colors are painted on your face on Game Day. No one from Boston should ever have a Yankee player on their team and vice versa. I don’t care if it was an auto-draft. You trade them or drop them immediately even if it is David Ortiz or Alex Rodriguez. Have some dignity.
Furthermore, if a player on your team is playing against your beloved home team, it is your duty as a Fantasy manager to bench said player. This rule is iron clad. There is nothing worse than hearing some moron at the bar say, “That sucks but at least that guy is on my fantasy team.” Don’t straddle the fence. All you ever end up with is splinters on your rump.
SMACK TALK IS AS AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE
It is so true. Why do Americans not watch the World Cup? Not enough smack talk. If used properly, smack talk can be your most powerful tool during your fantasy season. It doesn’t matter if you are in first or last place; everyone has permission to talk the talk. No one will remember who came in second place but everyone will remember that time you renamed Sean’s chubby sister as the mascot for the Portland Sea Dog. Man, that was funny.
It may not show up on the scorecard but everyone gives some unwritten points to the guy who talks the best talk. One warning though: if you are 30 games out of first place, you might not want to push to many buttons because your team absolutely sucks.
In conclusion, just like HGH and steroids are to real baseball, so are these unwritten rules a part of the code that makes up Fantasy baseball. With its growing popularity, please help to educate everyone on the code or risk losing the little things that makes this sport so much fun.
To review, talk smack unless around a girl that you are using to pass the time while being patient and waiting for your quality squad to finish and thus ensuring you keep your dignity which makes our sport great. Whew, I need to start working on some acronyms. Oh, and if you happen to see a sort of blond girl with a little extra girth and side burns, call her Sea Dog.
