The Cult of Nice is Harming American Society
To be clear, my objection to nice, niceness and niceties is not a rejection of civil dialogue, manners or general politeness. These are the minimum standards of behavior to which I think everyone in American society (and around the world) should adhere all the time – not that we don’t also all fall short at least sometimes. The demand for nice in American society is a plague connected to a host of other societal ills ranging from the death of small talk as an art (it’s now apparently merely bored and irritated statements about the weather) to our utter hesitation to educate anyone about anything because “being nice” apparently demands that we assume everyone’s knowledge, training, innate skill and intellect are equal. They’re not, and quite frankly pretending they are isn’t doing anyone any favors and isn’t, in fact, nice at all, as we will see below.
American society’s plague of nice is an outgrowth of the cult of self-esteem which holds that everyone gets an A for effort and children should never be criticized. While I’m all for supporting our children 110% in their endeavors, the fact is childhood is often difficult and the way we become capable adults with definitive ideas and goals as opposed to spoiled wastes of carbon is to experience and conquer adversity and to hone our instincts with rigor and curiosity. “Nice” as there is an increasing demand for it in American society, doesn’t fit in with the necessary adversity of childhood very well at all. If every scrawl, every utterance, every sentence is the best one ever set forth; if children are shielded from every possible instance of criticism, ambition and true self-esteem have no where to spring from. Children need to be told that anyone can be president if they work hard, get lucky, and put every fiber of their being into the goal. A message that is radically different from today’s “Anyone can be president.” It is only through knowing our limitations that we can exceed them. We need to teach our kids please, thank you and determination; not please, thank you and nice.
Another casualty of the cult of nice is serious political debate (of course, the other thing killing serious political debate in American society is the fact that in our fractured media environment it’s easy to only tune into what you agree with, so there’s no shared information and no positive examples on conducting civil yet meaningful discourse). Whether it’s outrage fatigue, frustration at not swaying the opinions of others or discomfort with the idea that sometimes the most patriotic thing you can do is criticize (and look for ways to improve) your country, I am constantly seeing people shut down political debates with “Well, let’s say something nice instead” where “nice” rarely means honest compliments or constructive solutions but topic changing platitudes. In American society it is crucial we respect everyone’s right to free expression as well as everyone’s right to live how they see fit as long as it doesn’t harm others, but the cult of nice apparently increasingly means it’s also impolite with argue with views I find abhorrent or to criticize an argument because it lacks solid underpinnings (research or even specific personal example).
I’m sure most of us were told as children, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” For many of us, though, it is in response to this phrase that we first learnt to lie and dissemble, again all in the name of “nice.” When asked about a neighbor’s hideous hat, I was taught to say, “It’s so interesting!” American society is bad at compliments, both making sincere and meaningful ones and accepting them graciously. Compliments should be issued out of sincere appreciation not an obligation to the cult of nice. People can tell when you’re saying you like their shoes merely out of a sense of social obligation, and to the astute this is more offensive than simply not being complimented. Let’s face it, attempts at adhere to the cult of nice means most of us spend half the day listening to (or creating) moments of either awkward insincerity or barely concealed ambivalence.
Certainly, we should all endeavor to be polite, courteous people. But if we stop calling it like we see it, refrain from offering useful criticism and allow a belief to fester that effort and perfection are somehow the same, American society will only produce less that is worthy of admiration, all because we thought it was more important to be “nice” than to be real.
