The Food Pyramid? Try the Food Plane!

For the unaware, the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) introduced a new food pyramid a while back. Gone is the gold standard from my youth, and in its place we now have a customizable food pyramid that magically rebuilds itself for each citizen’s individual needs. Many skeptics scoff at this idea, and I’m no exception. First of all, the new food “pyramid” is constructed of vertical slats. Now, my degree is not in engineering, but I was a wizard with the alphabet blocks back in the day and I know that vertical slats can not support a pyramid. In fact, a little known fact about Ancient Egypt is that there were two competing sects, one who built their pyramids out of blocks and the other who built their pyramids out of vertical slats. Have you ever heard of them? No, they all died in a very tragic pyramid collapse. And this is the design the USDA wants to base our nutritional standards on?

When I type my age, sex, and exercise information (for duplication purposes – because you know I make nothing up – I’m 22, male, and a couch potato) into their snazzy database, I’m given a food pyramid that tells me I need 8 ounces of grain, 3 cups each of milk and vegetables, 2 cups of fruit, and 6.5 ounces of protein. This marks a radical departure from the old, golden-age food pyramid, which would have told me I needed at least 8 ounces of grain, 3 cups each of milk and vegetables, 2 cups of fruit, and 6.5 ounces of protein. I’m confused, why did they need to make the building blocks sideways again?

But do not let such apparent similarities fool you. The new food pyramid is a death trap. I was curious what my 111-year-old great-great-grandmother Eileen would require, so I put in her information and lo and behold, she needs nothing, no servings of anythiing based on a zero-calorie diet. This, of course, is because our government has given us a food plan that prevents you from reaching old age, and they know it. But, government advice is government advice. Sorry, I guess the world isn’t big enough for time-defying matriarchs.

While I’d love to point out the numerous flaws in the newest USDA food pyramid that will lead America straigt into Heart Disease Hell, I feel they have already been well-exploited by nutritional experts. Granted, many of these experts I’ve seen on television look like they need Willy Wonka to juice them and therefore might not be ideal, but I think they’re generally on the money. No, instead, I’d like to do something positive and give you my own one-size-fits-all food plan, which I call the Food Plane, because, as the kids say, it’s so damn “fly.”

THE FOOD PLANE
Meats and Proteins
Beef – Besides Mad Cow Disease questions, large-scale commercial beef is a major environmental pollutant, contains high amounts of fat, has high levels of resistant bacterial strains, and you can choke on it. Also sacred to Hindus and let’s face it, they’re the people who help you when your computer crashes. Recommendation: NONE.

Pork – Besides many of the same concerns as Beef, Pork has triconosis concerns, and bacon has abnormally high levels of triglycerides. Worse yet, it’s not kosher, and frankly, I think we should start listening to the Jews (not to mention Mosaic Law) a lot more. There’s a reason they all get be wealthy financiers, media moguls, and movie producers, and it’s got little to do with wearing a Yarmulke, although they are quite stylish and get you a few days off of work here and there. Recommendation: NONE

Poultry – Bird Flu! Recommendation: NONE

Fish – Fish swim in oceans or rivers which we’ve already polluted. Or they’re farm-raised, which a marine-biologist friend tells me is worse. And they smell bad. Recommendation: NONE

Shellfish – Not Kosher. God loves lobsters, which is why they taste so good. Let’s not anger him further by eating them and their friends. Furthermore, most shellfish are scavengers who eat the wastes of the other things we’re not supposed to be eating. Recommendation: NONE

Eggs – Haven’t you been watching the news? Eggs are high in cholestoral and all sorts of other bad things. Recommendation: NONE

Beans, Peanuts, Legumes, and Seeds – These should be obvious, but for the inane I will tell you that you that they cause massive amounts of gas, lots of people are allergic to them, and you can choke on them. Recommendation: NONE.

Dairy Products
Since dairy products are all milk-based, I’ll cover them in one swoop. Simply put, milk is bad for you, the cow, the farmer, and everyone else involved. Hell, Mary Lou Henner is against milk. And who are YOU to question Mary Lou Henner??? Just go to www.notmilk.com/ and start reading. Recommendation: NONE

Grains
Corn – Corn is an evil product. Corn farmers in the United States annually recieve ridiculously highh subsidies, and to do what? Essentailly, most of their product goes towards 1) inedible ethanol; 2) exports; 3) feed for the meat products that are no good for you; and 4) high fructose corn syrup. Basically, corn farmers take our money and make the poor obese with government supervision. Is this an industry you really want to support? Recommedation: NONE

Wheat – Think back in time to the days of cavemen and our most scantily-clad, neandrathalic ancestors. Did they eat wheat-based products? Nope! Then it must be bad for us! Recommendation: NONE

Other Grains Like Oats and Barley – Why don’t you just start smoking pot? Recommendation: NONE

Fruit
While you might think Fruit is good for you and high in nutrients and vitamins, I actually had a distant cousin who died while trying to eat a whole cantaloupe for a fraternity party. His name was Randy, and his dying words were “****ing ******ed fruit!” Indeed. Eat them at your own peril, fellow citizens of the nation. Fruit is also high in sugar, which is never good for you. And did you that if you leave a tooth in orange juice overnight that it dissolves? Seriously, rip one of your teeth out (I’d suggest a back one) and try it! And you want to put that carcinogenic filth in your stomach? Recommendation: NONE

Vegetables
There are thousands of vegatables out there, but I’d like to cover four very common ones, and why they should be eaten by no one at all. As for the others, you can always choke on them.

Carrots – These little bastards make your skin turn orange. They also made Bugs Bunny a very sarcastic and goofy rabbit. Do you want your children to be sarcastic and goofy? Do you? Recommendaton: NONE

Spinach – Spinach causes something I call “Popeye’s Disease.” Have you ever seen anyone with really thin biceps, unbelievably-bulged forearms, and a cartoonishly-skinny, whiny girlfriend? That’s Popeye’s Disease, and it happens when you eat spinach. You will also get a sudden urge to join the Navy. And the feds think Cocaine is bad. Recommendation: NONE.

Califlower – Califlower tastes like urine-soaked cardboard. And yes, I had to drink my own urine as part of a desert survival program once. It was either that or Asparagus. Recommendation: NONE

Peas, Green Beans, etc. – Have you ever seen the Jolly Green Giant? He scares the crap out of the elderly and small children. I refuse to support him by eating the food of his fantasy land. Recommendation: NONE

Other
Water – Your local water contains fluoride and all sorts of other things that can kill you. Don’t drink it, or if you have to, get imported water from Mexico or Belgium that’s guarunteed to be fluoride-free. Recommendation: NONE

Oils, Fats, Sweets, and Alcohol – I’m tired of doing extensive online research, so I’m merely going to write what the golden age food pyramid – the only pyramid worth looking at – recommended. Recommendation: USE SPARINGLY

So there you have it. I call it the Food Plane because it’s rather flat, unlike those sharp, pointy pyramids which could kill someone. On the ground (where they belong), eaten in equal proportion to each other are 99.9% of the foods out there. Hovering above are a selection of chocolates and fine liquors, and who wouldn’t want to live in a world where chocolate and liquor hover above the ground? I ask you, my fellow Americans, which would you rather build a nation upon, a stable, flat surface or a pyramid? I, being an observer of fine architecture, demand the former.

In conclusion, whether you’re a baby or just act like one, 22 or 82, the proper amount of each food group you should eat each day is nothing. Eating nothing in this day and age is the only way to guaruntee personal health and a safe, clean environment. But the government is not going to do it for you. They might take much of your paycheck, but they’re not going to come into your kitchen and pour all your milk down the drain or put your bread in the trash. You have to do it yourself. Do American a favor and adopt the Food Plane as your personal diet strategy today, because nothing is as safe and healthy as starving yourself.

J.C. Hagan has spent 22 years in the food consumption industry. He wants to do everything he can to help you adopt the Food Plane – because it flies. If you have especially delicious food, such as apple pies, cookies, bacon, ice cream, imported cheese, high-quality fish, or other harmful products that you feel will endanger your ability to keep to the strict nature of the Food Plane diet, feel free to send them to Mr. Hagan and he will dispose of them properly. It’s for America, folks. Let’s all do our part.