The Frugal Fanatic

With the coming worldwide economic depression that is going to effectively wipe out the financial gains made in the last decade practically here and banging on the old steel-reinforced bunker door, it’s the time to think frugal! For years we’ve see and heard about people who can stretch a dollar so far they can bounce a quarter off of it. It’s time to move beyond that and get into some really serious penny-pinching. Yes, I have some time-tested methods and some great advice given to me by some of the other voices in my head.

Now, nobody wants to live like they’re poor but it’s better to live like you are poor than to actually be poor. No sense letting your nosy neighbors know how much you make. Keep a low profile. Keep ’em guessing. To help stretch your budgeted dollars, I put together some super ways to live below your means:

– Coupons: Yes, clipping coupons is the number one way to enhance your mealtime. Simply gather your coupons, add a little oil and vinegar and you have a wonderful salad.

– Credit Cards: One must be very careful about using a credit card. It is the sure-fire way to wreck any budget. So, once you run up the card and max it out, do what I do; fill in the “change of address” form on the envelope and have it forwarded to Alaska or Rome or some-such-place and it’s “bye-bye bills!”

– Home Dentistry: Sure, we’d all like to go to a dentist once in a while but I’m no Bill Gates. Companies are constantly cutting back their dental coverage, so how to make up the difference? With a power drill, spatula, Silly Putty, tile grout and other common household items you can easily take care of most dental needs.

– Join one of those “Save the Kids” programs: You’ve seen the commercials on late night TV, so sign your family up and let a family adopt you. These people are able to feed entire villages for pennies a day! Think of the savings to your budget if you could feed your whole family for pennies a day!

– Yard Sales: It’s an easy way to make money from things lying around the yard. Simply wait for your neighbors to leave the house, put up a couple of “yard sale” signs on their lawn and boom, you’re in business.

– Xerox money: Thanks to amazing advantages in digital technology and scanning devices, you can turn one dollar into many. And with a few upgrades, you’ll be able to do pocket change.

– Barter system: Man’s earliest form of commerce still works today! You can trade services or goods with your neighbors. Simply tell your neighbor that you’d be willing to “protect” their property or have sex with them in return for food or appliances. Sometimes the old ways are the best.

– Medical Experiments: With all the uproar about using animals to test new drugs, pharmaceutical companies are begging for human guinea pigs and they’ll pay cash! It’s a great way to supplement income and maybe even help mankind, as if they deserved it.

– Be creative: Saving money doesn’t always have to be boring and serious. There are lots of fun ways to save money! Whenever you go to a theme restaurant, tell them it’s your birthday and get a free dessert. Order kid’s meals from the burger places then sell the toys on Ebay.

– Buy in Bulk: Thanks to price clubs and special bulk programs you can get excellent prices on items you need and have a supply that will last. I’ve been able to stock up on a fine assortment of canned goods, dry goods, firearms, ammunition and assorted sundries that will come in handy during the coming days of global terror.

– Cannibalism: Unless you’re some kind of freak-vegetarian, you’ll need fresh meat. And with so many transients around and more coming, it’s quite easy to rustle up some quality cuts. And tasty, too. It’s like having a Donner party in your mouth!

I hope you find these tips useful. That old cliche is as true as it ever was: a penny hoarded is a penny earned. I truly enjoy sharing my tips and besides, it counts as community service.