The Homosexual Child: Lessons in Acceptance and Love
How you find out is important. Chances are, deep down inside, you have had concerns about your son or daughters sexuality for quite some time. I want to make one statement here before going on. Just because your child is a tomboy, or prefers dolls or cooking to bats and balls, does not mean that child is homosexual. All that means is that he or she is an individual. And many cruel words have been hurled at children who do not fit a parents idea of “normal” Ugly words-‘queer, faggot, lesbo, or queen” hurt and damage not only the child, but the entire family unit.. Our children are not extensions of us. They are their own unique creatures.
A child struggling with being homosexual will be confused and upset at feeling so different from others. Other kids my have made jokes and remarks about “gays”, indeed the child may have witnessed gay bashing. Movies and TV are filled with stereotyped “gay” roles. If your spouse is a homophobe or your church is very very rigid about homosexuality, this will all further help to deepen the sense of shame and apartness.
Talking with your child will be a very difficult and awkward experience. If you are fortunate enough to have a child come to you with this, honor that in him or her. Tell them you love them unconditionally. If they are accepting of advice, point out the pitfalls of promiscuity, just as you would a heterosexual child. Discuss the choices about coming out of the closet in an openly prejudicial society. Your only role here is guidance, not judgement. In a younger child, you at least need to offer counseling to make certain there has been no abuse or some other factor at play here.
If your spouse or other family members are openly homophobic, you need to respect your childs right to privacy. Don’t betray that trust.
I want to share the story of how one parent handled this discovery with his own son. The names have been changed, but the story is true. I’ve known Dan for around 10 years. 5 years ago his wife died leaving him with his two children, a boy aged 12 and a girl aged 6. I’ve always admired his involvement in his kids lives. Soccer, softball, school functions, anything to do with his kids is important. One evening, after a late softball game we were sitting there waiting for the kids to come back from pizza. Dan was very quiet, and I asked him if something was bothering him. To my surprise, he began to cry. He told me he had found a letter written by his son to another male, talking about his feelings and describing their lovemaking. He said it felt like “he had been hit with a mack truck” I asked him what he had done about this, secretly dreading his answer.
Dan said it had taken him several days to work up the courage to confront his son who is now 17. He had to sort through his own feelings before he felt he was on safe enough ground to deal with this rationally. He sat down with **** and told him he had found the letter in the garbage can. **** at first tried to evade and deny the issue, but eventually the truth came out. Dan at one point became angry at the lack of trust his son had showed him and was shouting. Until he really looked at his sons face.. white, stricken and sick. Right then, he scooped his son up into his arms and hugged him fiercely. Dan told him it would take him time to come to terms with this, but that he would always love him, no matter what..
This is great parenting under extremely difficult circumstances. If you are faced with this, remember, this is your child. His or her sexuality should not impact on your love. If this is too difficult to process on your own, get some counseling. Try to understand that our children are separate from us in almost every way. By showing tolerance, acceptance and unconditional love, your child knows at least someone in this world has made an effort to understand.
It is not our place to judge anyone, other than ourselves, least of all our children.
