The Problem with Spring and Summer – Or, Why Fat Guys Don’t Wear Shorts

I am not much of a fan of spring or summer. I know that this seems like a strange thing to have much of an opinion about and a very contradictory stance to have upon a season. I just like to zig while everyone else zags, I guess. Actually, the reason I don’t like spring and summer all that much centers primarily on the weather. You see, I am a cool to cold weather person.

Confession time. I am a big guy. Some would say fat. I am larger than most, OK? So, warm weather to me is very uncomfortable. I turn from a big fat guy into a big fat sweaty guy in the warmer months. This is never a good thing. Then there’s the fact I never, ever, under any circumstances wear shorts.

I haven’t worn shorts since they made me wear them during gym class in high school. Even then I never wore them outside of school. My entire family took a vacation to Hawaii and there are pictures of me in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. See, I hate my legs. I am a fat person and so that means I generally think I have hideous fat legs. I don’t like looking at them, so I figure no one else in their right mind would want to look at them either so I keep them covered. I consider this my act of public service.

How many times have you been out somewhere and you see a man or woman wearing something that barely covers them and rather than admiring their body you notice the huge rolls of fat. You make fun of those people, right? You wonder if they have a mirror and if they have ever noticed that they do NOT have the body for that clothing. Well, I want to prove to the world I DO have a mirror and I KNOW that no one wants to see my legs so I do not, under any circumstances, wear shorts. Don’t even get me started on my feet and my dislike of sandals.

I see some guys, like movie director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma), wearing these pseudo shorts that sort of come down to mid-calf so that the bottoms are just a couple of inches above the tops of their shoes. I guess these are shorts, at least in their minds. I have news for Mr. Smith and others who wear these. These are not shorts, these are pants that aren’t long enough. Stop wearing them now please and just put on some pants.

I also am not a fan of thunderstorms and tornadoes and we get a lot of those in the Midwest. I hate them. I despise thunderstorms, but we have discussed this in a previous blog entry so I won’t get into it again right now. But I LOVE snow. I got a Jeep a few years ago and driving in snow is so much fun when you have a 4-wheel drive.

You see, we live in cities these days. Therefore the whole off-roading, driving in the wilderness, through mud thing is beyond me. The closest I get is driving through the huge snowdrifts. I love it when I get on a narrow street with snow piled on either side and a car comes down the street the other way. With my 4-wheel drive I can plow trough that snowdrift on the side of the road with no problem and it’s a lot of fun.

I like wearing baggy, long-sleeved shirts. The more of my body that’s covered the better everyone is and the more comfortable I feel. I love wearing my really awesome White Sox winter coat with the leather sleeves that looks sort of like a high school letterman’s jacket. I can’t wear that during the warmer summer months.

I have a friend, the same nut who is also a hockey lover, who hates winter and loves summer. He lives in St. Louis. I lived there for three years. In August the average temperature there is just below that of the surface of the sun. The humidity is like a living thing with a very wet sweaty body that you run into. He actually would go outside and play roller-hockey in full goalie gear in weather like that. He said it “invigorated” him. You see why I think his opinions may be coming from one who is insane.

To me there is nothing better than walking outside on a winter morning when the snow it white and the sky is an amazing crystal blue. The skies are so much bluer in the winter. The sun seems so much brighter. In the summer, when the air gets humid and stagnant the sky turns a kind of dirty yellowish color. This is the time of year when, instead of lounging outside, I just run from one air conditioned place to another and wish I could crawl inside my fridge and live there. The air conditioning has already been on in my house so far since about March. If it never got above 75 degrees that would be fantastic for me.

So, I am the one guy in Chicago who gets mad when the weather guy talks with glee about the temp getting up over 80. I hate it. I want it to stay down around 50 or 60. I could do without the wind and rain that is pelting us right now, but the temperature is fine with me, thank you very much. I am the one guy in Chicago who gets happy when the temperature dips into the 30s and there’s a snowstorm predicted. I don’t even mind that it gets dark earlier. These days the damn kids are outside my house screaming until after nine o’clock. During the winter I can walk my dog in peace and quiet when I get home.

There’s nothing better, in my opinion, than going for a walk during a snow storm. Not an all out, wind-blown, stinging blizzard snow, but one where big giant flakes are falling from the sky in large bunches. I go out and walk because there is this wonderful sound-deadening effect the snow creates. Most people stay indoors at that time and that means it’s like having the entire city to myself. There’s the occasional whisper from cars or a snow plow from the busy roads, but otherwise it is quiet and beautiful. Then the next morning the entire city is covered in a white, pure blanket. I go outside and the cold air wakes me up, snaps me awake and invigorates me. It’s better than a shot of espresso.

So, if you’re looking for me this summer, I’ll be curled up in my fridge. Now if I can get the fridge down into my basement so I can feel safe from the thunderstorms, I’d really be set.