The Real Secret to Using On-line Dating Services

It’s Saturday night around 11:30 and I’ve been telling Carol about the time that I visited Nepal while on break from Harvard Medical School. I was telling Leslie how much I excel at skiing the steeps in the Chugach range and all about the condo that I’m renovating in Belize. And Sharon and I were engaged in a series of one-sided discussions about our favorite restaurants in Tuscany and how much we like to cook for large groups of friends. All from the comfort of my living room.

I haven’t been on a date in over five years; ever since my wife left me for the Bowflex repairman. So, it’s not hard to understand why I’ve grown comfortable with sidling up to women on Match.com, Great-Expectations.com, OverThirtySingles.com, True.com and Plentyof Fish.com, wallowing in the safety that only miles of distance can provide. But recently, I’ve started to grow suspicious of the women I’ve been meeting after reading their on-line profiles. They all seem to sound suspiciously the same.

So, after more than 45 minutes of exhaustive research, I came up with an approach for anyone hoping to find “Mr. or Ms. Right” over their wireless network.

The first thing you can do when touring on-line dating sites is throw out any precept of honesty; this is hardcore self -aggrandizement at its finest. Take everything you read, see or believe with a grain of salt. Make that a salt mine.

Next, avoid anyone who goes by the login names of “MountainGirl”, “MrFit”, “SexyBlonde”, “WorldTraveler”, “Love2Ski” or “Luv2HaveFun.” These have been created by people who live in the slums, spend all day on the couch, dye their hair, never leave home and haven’t laughed since the Nixon administration.

Be careful of the pictures that they post. No one, no matter who they are, where they live or what they do for a living is going to use any photo of them that’s less than 10 years old. Dead giveaways are suspicious backgrounds like the first flight at Kitty Hawk or the Korean War. You’ll never see any pictures that show what the person is really about, either. If people were really truthful with their on-line profiles, instead of posting snapshots of themselves dancing the night away on a cruise ship in the Bahamas, they’d post photos of themselves slouching on the loveseat covered in crumbs or scratching their butt in a pair of stained sweatpants.

About Me…
And now, we come to the section called, “About me…” All of the on-line profiles say more less the same things. To help you make sense of it all, I’ve compiled a handy translation guide to help you interpret what your web mate is really saying:

What the profiles say… >>> What they really mean…
I am fun and energetic. >>> I’m immature and can’t focus on anything for more than 3 minutes.

I have a great sense of humor and love to laugh. >>> I have a great sense of humor and love to laugh.

I enjoy skiing, hiking, walking my dog, buttered popcorn at the movies, renting DVDs, listening to live music, dancing and reality TV. >>> I like hanging around bars in ski lodges, picking up the poop that my mutt has left behind, stuffing my face with junk food, vegging out with video rentals, carousing at sleazy piano bars and laying comatose in front of just about anything that’s on TV.

I’ve been around the block. >>> I’m tired, old and my skin hangs off just about every part of my body.

I enjoy good food and wine. >>> I wouldn’t know gourmet food if you threw it at me and I’ve never drank from a bottle that didn’t have a screw top.

At this time, I am self-employed. >>> I’m unemployable.

I’m not into money. >>> I haven’t had anything in my bank account since my Bar Mitzvah.

I am someone that likes adventure and having fun but also loves being home. >>> My idea of a good time is dodging bill collectors and peeking out of my bedroom window to make sure that they don’t repossess my car.

I’m very active and always into new challenges and living life to its fullest. >>> I’m a neurotic, agitated loser who’s always looking for a scam or a shortcut to riches.

I am not your typical mate. >>> I’ve never gotten past the first date. Ever.

I have an entertaining personality. >>> I have a lot of undiagnosed nervous ticks, twitches and mannerisms.

In my spare time, I enjoy spending time with my family and friends. >>> I live at home with my parents, three aunts, their eight step children and 10 cats.

I am a true romantic who is waiting to meet the person of their dreams. >>> I’m a dreamer who spends all of their spare time surfing porn sites.

My mother is Dutch and my biological father is from Mexico. >>> My mother was a hooker from Amsterdam who was knocked up by a merchant marine while on shore leave in Tijuana.

The Search…
The logical starting point for finding your mate is to make your search criteria as similar to yourself as you can. Most on-line daters start with a search radius of 20 or 30 miles within their zip code. Then, for compatibility sake, they’ll shoot for an age spread of 5 to 10 years on either side of their own age and throw in a few sizzling keywords like “hot”, “sexy” or “athletic” just for good measure. I’ve never had any luck with this type of approach. Instead, I’ll throw the net out a little wider (hell, a LOT wider…) and include all women between the ages of 15 and 85, locales that include Afghanistan, the Far East and the more remote parts of the Ukraine.

Once you finally find a few unsuspecting victims to snag, most dating services have a number of “anonymous” methods of contacting your prospects. The first is the “wink”. A wink is a safe, non-descript method of showing someone you’re interested without suffering any embarrassing repercussions; sort of like tossing a dead tuna off the stern of the boat to catch a shark.

The second tool at your disposal is the anonymous email. Since most on-line dating services routinely filter emails between clients, you’re not allowed to send them your real email address. Instead, every now and again, you’ll get a nice little note in your inbox that says something like, “You’ve got a new message from “Blonde4U”; Subject: “Leave Me Alone or I’ll Get a Restraining Order!”Ã?Â?

About My Life…
If you’re not turned off by now, you’ve got one more, handy tool to use: the “About My Life” summary. If you were to extract all of the highlights from a successful, lifetime relationship and reduce them to one small chart, it would look something like this:

Hair: Lots of it growing on my back
Eyes: Bloodshot
Best feature: Love handles
Body art: Tons of tattoos
Sports and exercise: Mutton busting,Throwing rocks at cars, Arm wrestling, Tossing the boomerang Spraying graffiti on underpasses, Log rolling, Jousting, Tug of war, Holding my breath
Exercise habits: Only out of necessity
Daily diet: Anything that I don’t have to make myself
Interests: Smoking cigarettes, Recreational drug use, Tattoos, Body piercing, Burglary, Porn sites, Holding my breath
Education: Left school after the 3rd grade
Occupation: Unemployed
Income: None
Languages: Some English, Tagalog, fluent Yiddish
Sign: Stop
My place: Or yours?
Pets I have: Pythons (12)
Pets I like: Various reptiles, Fleas, Maggots, Gerbils, Pit bulls

So, you see, there’s no excuse to be alone these days; not as long as you have a computer. So fire up your PC, stretch out in front of a roaring fire with a glass of wine and your keyboard and get ready to meet Mr. or Ms. Right! They’re waiting for you.