The Salacious World of Celebrity Pornography

In the celebrity world, one would think that having one’s Ding Dong or Kit Kat exposed to the public would rank as one of the more embarrassing possibilities.

One might even be inclined to think that these entertainment professionals would know when to stop posing for the camera.

Fortunately for us, some celebrities see the world as one big set, and although their directorial ambitions aren’t always meant for public consumption, there will always be a few unabashedly perverted underground entrepreneurs with celebrity house-plans ready to crack their vaults and dish the goods.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee

One adjective comes to mind when thinking about the recorded steam of this ex-couple; legendary. Thanks to the curiosity of a wily contractor, whom Anderson and Lee accused of stealing the tape from the couple’s Malibu home, every male with a pulse and a few Baywatch fantasies can bait their master, because god knows Lee can’t; the man needs gloves to handle a six-inch fish he caught on vacation.

What Lee lacks in fishing etiquette he more than makes up for in overall performance. Lines like, “Move your hair so everybody can see,” are proven only more classic when Anderson chimes in later with a question we find answered again and again; “Where’s my cocktail?”

This being a first generation trendsetter in celebrity pornography, the video quality isn’t up to par with later examples, but the directing by both Anderson and Lee is top-notch.

As annoying as their dialogue can be, the two are not only physically gifted but directorially gifted as well, showing a command of the camera never seen again in this genre of amateur film, especially by Lee, who in one scene both drives and records himself while Anderson attends to business. This is one vacation you don’t want to miss.

One Night in Paris

Unfortunately, this is a vacation one is better left not taking. Paris Hilton’s partner is a Hollywood hanger-on by the name of Rick Saloman and he doesn’t fail in spoiling any potential this hour-long video had for entertainment. His alarmingly galling laugh would be tolerable if it weren’t combined with empty jokes aimed at boosting his own already inflamed ego. One has to wonder what Hilton was doing with a greasy, obviously ill intentioned man-boy who makes Tommy Lee look like Don Juan.

Half of the video is shot in almost complete darkness and the angles leave a lot to be desired. As a result, what should be sex sometimes looks like two glowing aliens with glandular issues.

One has to feel sorry for Saloman, who, no doubt, was hoping for a last steamy memory of Hilton until he found out he shot a B horror flick. Those curious about what Hilton looks like naked would be better served propositioning her themselves, as they have a better chance of succeeding at that than trying to piece this video puzzle together.

Fred Durst

The most recent example of celebrity porn, this is perhaps the most disturbing as well. While Durst is anything but Limp, his acting is horrible.

The last time I saw a performance this unconvincing I was watching a Weekly staff member attempt to explain why Jason Antebi was taking a last stab at bleeding Oxy dry.

His co-star does nothing to help, either. As Durst takes hold of her with one hand and maintains camera focus with the other, she sits there like a slowly dying fetus, and I can’t blame her.

At one point in the video Durst makes a 180 degree turn with the camera to focus on his face; I don’t know if this is more telling of his ego or the sick humor of whoever put this video together, but either way anyone actually enjoying this thing will suddenly find themselves not only disgusted but possibly even traumatized by the demonic expression on Durst’s tired face. Any repercussions your privates suffer as a result of your curiosity is deserved.