The Solar System Rebooted

Well, the universe is in flux once again. Not due to any cosmic realignment, but because scientists had to come up with a new definition of “planet.” It seems scientists have discovered yet another thing orbiting the sun. This “icy ball of ice” is now being called “2003 UB313” (catchy, right?). That makes three space thingies in the last few years. Naturally, these discoveries prompted a debate on whether or not to call them planets. That debate called into question Pluto’s status as a planet.

Some astrophysicists wanted to sub-categorize planets. For instance, Jupiter as a “gas giant planet,” Pluto classified as an “ice dwarf planet” while earth remains “mostly harmless.” Other astronomers wanted to go back to 8 planets and anything after Neptune would be called “groupies” or “wannabes.” The experts got together in Prague, and after a long and bitter debate (can you believe it?) took a vote and with that vote, a few hanging chads and a 5-4 Supreme Court decision, Pluto will be busted to “dwarf planet” or “pluton” to distinguish from the “classic” planets. Also, Ceres, an asteroid that used to be called a planet then got called an asteroid is being declared a “dwarf” and Pluto’s moon, Charon, which was on the fast track to being made a planet, well, we just won’t talk about that. And 2003 UB313 (nicknamed “Xena” then called Eris) will be a dwarf. But is that all of it? There are some other Solar System-related changes on the agenda:

• Replace Saturn’s rings with mood rings, for “retro-effect.”
• To avoid embarrassment and awkwardness, rename “Uranus” to planet “Buttcrack.”
• Quarter Moon marked down to two-for-quarter Moon.
• Downgrade Comet Kohoteck to swamp gas.
• Realization that women are in fact from Neptune, while men come from Mercury.
• Tighten Van Allen Belt.
• Start referring to moon as “crater-face.’
• Water on Mars? Bottle it and get Donald Trump to sell it.
• Black holes will now be referred to the more PC “African-American Holes.”
• Replace Kuiper Belt with suspenders.
• Reclassify Jupiter’s moons to “moonies.”
• Big Bang more of a whoopee cushion surprise.
• Government grants for children to update their Solar System dioramas in time for science fair.
• Give Mars’ canals back to Panama.
• Milky Way out, Snicker bars in.
• Constellation “Cancer” too much of a downer, license name to “Sebastian, the singing Crab” from Disney’s “the Little Mermaid.” âÂ?¢