The Tech-Support Zone
Never ever let the tech finish a sentence and get mad because the tech isn’t being helpful. Sure we can fix the issue with our telekinetic mutant powers, but it’s more fun to be screamed at all day.
Insist that nothing is wrong with your computer and refuse to answer any questions or turn the computer on. Bonus Points: if you manage to explain how the tech can resolve the issue without knowing what the issue is.
Nod in response to questions. I hear blind people love this too. True, we don’t really need hear an answer over the phone. Between our mutant psychic minding reading abilities and our access to the Secret Government spy network with cameras everywhere, we know you nodded, but we like to be difficult.
Ask why for every step of trouble-shooting. If we gave you answer that you could understand, the secret police would have to come for you. No one is permitted to know the ways of the great Binary Computer Demon. Then who would we have to scream at us?
Become hysterical, and make sure your voice hits the highest possible pitch carried by the phone lines. Go for that injured cat in heat quality to your voice it’s a great communication tool, it’s so much easier to understand you with ruptured ear drums.
Call while driving, at the bank, grocery store, your child’s band concert, the local sports bar or other times and places when you are not at your computer. Sure we can fix the issue with our special telekinetic powers, but we don’t want to.
Become defensive when asked basic questions, like your name or the error message. Neither of these things helps determine the problem so why does tech support need to know that? We don’t we’re just spying on you for Microsoft, the KGB and the Secret World Government.
Ask questions about completely unrelated topics and get mad when the tech doesn’t know why your cat is sneezing or what the rash on the baby’s bottom is. Again our mutant powers could easily solve this issue, but we like being difficult.
Use jargon that you don’t understand. Your rosebush is producing a batch of thesauri, you say? Fascinating, yet incomprehensible nonsense and not at all helpful.
Ignore the instructions the tech is giving, fix it your way. So if you know to fix it why did you call? Bonus Points: Hit random buttons or go to random unrelated tools. Don’t forget to restart your computer after every setting change it really speeds thing up.
Expect the tech to have all versions of every operating system memorized. A special thanks to Microsoft for never calling anything by the same name from one version to the next.
