The Top 6 Things MLB Fans Can Throw at Barry Bonds.

The Major League Baseball Traveling Circus, other wise known as the San Francisco Giants and Barry “Beroid” Bonds has quite a few more stops to make. If the actions of the normally civil San Diego fans was alarming, then we can only expect the vehement spectators of New York, Philadelphia and Los Angeles to come up with some much more creative, “statement making” objects to toss Barry’s way. WARNING: this is supposed to be funny, and, in reality, you should never throw anything at anybody, but if you do feel like throwing something at Bonds, don’t actually hit him with it and try not to get caught. Good luck.

Six. The number of homeruns Bonds needs to tie Babe Ruth at the start of this 2006 Major League Baseball season and, thus, the number of objects that have made my list.

6. CREAM CHEESE AND CLEAR EYES: This is, of course, in refernce to the “cream” and the “clear”, the code names for the some of the steroids that were supplied to Bonds by Balco. If your going to toss cream cheese, make sure that you use the brick of soft cream cheese; the kind that comes in foil. Do this for two reasons; one, because the plastic containers could hurt him and, two, there is a chance that, if you hit him, the foil could explode and you might get cream cheese on his uniform which would be just be funny. The symbolic element behind throwing a little bottle of Clear Eyes drops, other than the connection to the afore mentioned “clear”, is that it would also act as a metaphor for Bonds’ removing the blurry, self-imposed shroud of guilt and mystery that hangs over his head like the ominous fog around the Golden Gate bridge.

5. BATTERIES: Don’t throw batteries at anyone, especially ball players. They made this list solely beacuse they have been, traditionally, the object of choice for drunk and disgruntled baseball fans. They are small, easy to conceal, and because of their condensed weight and metallic nature they can make for a pretty fierce weapon. But, alas, the people who throw these at sporting events are sick and often do this because they hate themselves, more than anything else. Again, I repeat, DON’T throw batteries.

4. PICTURES OF MAHATMA GANDHI (in the form of paper airplanes): The point of this would be to symbolize the fact that Bonds needs to lose his arrogance. This “object of choice” is designated for the wealthy inhabitants of non windy cities, as you will need to be sitting close enough to the field so that the wind is not a factor in the landing of your paper airplane in the vicinity of Bonds. If you are a poor Chicago Cubs fan, sorry, maybe you’ll want to try…

3. FOAM “WE’RE #1” SOUVENIER HAND: These are a great item to throw at Barry Bonds for two reasons. One, they are made of foam so you know that nobody is going to get injured (and more importantly, you won’t get sued and/or find your self in jail). And it’s also really funny. Because Bond is so “not #1” throwing a “#1” foam will be hand be hilarious in an ironic kind of way.

2. A BAG OF FAKE BLOOD: This is one is a little out there but let me explain. The fake blood would and should act as a metaphor for MLB’s need to blood test their athletes for all kinds of steroids, specifically HGH. Major League Baseball has done alot in the past two years as far as implementing a drug testing program, but if they aren’t testing for human growth hormone (a Bonds drug of choice, that many believe he is still on), then what’s point? You also might want to try goats blood, but It may be hard to acquire a bag of goats blood, or goats blood in any form, or a deceased goat for that matter. I guess any type of bagged blood would do, but fake blood is probably the easiest to get your hands on.

1. PEANUTS: An old standby. You can buy them inside any park so you don’t have to worry about getting caught sneaking in any strange foriegn objects. Throwing them will also make you feel like your in the 1940’s and you should accompany your tosses with some guttural grunts. You will, literally, become part of the peanut gallery. Also, there’s the whole “nut” aspect. Steroids shrink your testicles, this is just a proven, medical fact. Kids, don’t use steroids.