The Top Ten Androgynous Prostitute Secrets: Know What You’re Paying for

The old adage “never judge a book by its cover” has been used for centuries, usually to demonstrate how stereotypes are misleading and how anyone is capable of anything. But, if we look closer, the phrase can also apply to everyday life, and remind us all that even the prettiest belle of the ball could remove her corsage, and underneath, reveal a devilish side of disease. So, keeping yourself alert enough to avoid life’s pitfalls, like the occasional wallet stealing, kidney thievery, or, perhaps the most embarrassing, the misjudgment of a hooker’s sexual orientation (or, as we’ll refer to it here on out as a: Bonaduce) should be priority A #1 for you.

Now we all know the basic characteristics of your average woman: shiny shimmering wavy locked hair, dreamy eyes, an angry ex-boyfriend and a strong hankering for expensive jewelry and dinner reservations, but, can these gender defining characteristics really be faked by some dude named Claude using only a lipstick and strategically placed fishnets? Sadly, the answer is yes. More and more, men who go on the soul patrol for a lady of the night, end up getting into a fistfight with a heavily bearded and stogie smoking “lady” over the rights to what kind of discount should be discussed for the loss of the man’s sexual identity. So, in my effort to save you the embarrassing newspaper headlines that come from pulling a Bonaduce, I present to you, ten dead giveaways that your paid by the hour date has more testosterone than Floyd Landis, and is packing more sausage than the Johnsonville Brat warehouse.

1. Wig Failure
Watch the hairline of the woman in question. It may dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge, proving its authenticity, or, it may stand firm. You can test the hairdo easily (and nonchalantly) by throwing a quarter several feet away from the would be woman. When they scurry towards it, watch their hair. If it flutters naturally, you have a fighting chance. If it’s solid, either that is a man, or that’s Ted Koppell.

2. Facial Hair
Facial hair is certainly a telltale sign that something is wrong, however, it may not completely prove that the streetwalker in question is in fact, a man. You can quiz the prostitute in several ways. First, ask if they are waxed, and if the prostitute replies with “nah, I’m growin’ in the stache” that is an awful sign. Another easy test is to tell the hooker that they resemble your mother when she was a baby, and ask if you can gently stroke their cheek. Sometimes, the hooker will require you to pay for this act, but, if you’re sobbing enough when you ask, they will usually feel sorry for you.

3. Muscle Tone
Muscle tone is something that has become more and more commonplace in women over the years, with the emergence of female wrestlers and body builders. However, your average lady of affluence doesn’t usually find a lot of time to hit the heavy bag, and the workouts they get are usually cardio based only. Put your hooker to the test by asking directions to the nearest gas station, and if they flex and display a road map on their forearm vein, hit the gas and don’t look back.

4. Perfume
Be especially wary of prostitutes who smell of expensive perfume (particularly Stetson), as it is commonly known that men sweat considerably more than women. If your hooker smells like the inside of a Boston Store, chances are they are hiding something smelly, and they don’t want you to smelly it. To ensure a 100% woman, search for a prostitute who smells like lighter fluid and an old carpet you remember from your grandma’s house. That girl doesn’t have any tricks up her sleeve (or pant cuff). If the smell bothers you, simply make the girl wear the pine tree freshener from your rearview mirror around her neck.

5. Small Talk
While propositioning your prostitute, a good test of their androgyny is to initiate small talk with them, especially recounting local sports scores, and, if you can, popular movies. A lot can be discovered when this “woman” suddenly knows Brian Urlacher’s career statistics and thought that Angelina Jolie was “wicked hot” in Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

6. Adam’s Apple
The adam’s apple is a dead giveaway instantly when noticed, so many of the secret people of the night will try and deceive you. Avoid any woman you pass who is wearing a kerchief or bandana around their neck (no matter how strong your fantasy is to roleplay Butch Cassidy) as they symbolize secrets. Also, if possible, while engaging the woman, ask if she likes dance music, and proceed to make an “unh-tiss unh-tiss” noise with your throat. If the prostitute repeats the noise, they blare the prepared soundtrack on your stereo of Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like A Lady” as you speed off into the night.

7. Availability
Most women, even skilled professionals, won’t be comfortable standing on a street corner alone all night, and will usually wait in the Cadillac of their respective pimp, and wait for you to approach the both of them. Therefore, when you see a lonesome hooker, punching the side of a brick building just for kicks before you pull up to the curb, and you are greeted with a hearty “sup dawg?” this is a definite white flag.

8. Handshakes
The handshake, although always used commonly as a greeting and sign of respect, is surprisingly not very popular in the world of prostitution. You can use this as a tip, when, if the hooker sticks it’s hand directly through the window and flashes you a smile, you can safely assume that this young man has succeed in making his parents disown him, and has failed miserably on wall street. A woman prostitute will never offer to shake your hand. She will shake other parts of you, or her own junk, but never your hand.

9. References
Sometimes, hookers will come into your life via your friends and family, as sort of a recommendation from someone. Using these eyewitnesses is a perfect screener, but, do not listen to what they say. Simply judge your opinion on the character of the person. If the recommendation comes from a man named Barney who recently got scolded at work for installing the security cameras on the floor, or who protests on a daily basis that he should be able to wear his “hey, a mouth’s a mouth” t-shirt on casual day, you might want to avoid the confrontation.

10. Laughter
The voice is the single most important tool of any hooker working today. Aside from their looks (which we already discussed can be deceiving) their voice is the only thing that will convince you that yes, you really do want to spend money for poorly lit and angry session of ugly bumping. Although the voice of the hooker can be changed depending on their vocal abilities, a huff from a helium balloon or the strategic plucking of a nose hair, the laugh is something that simply cannot be changed. You must be funny, nay, HILARIOUS to this hooker to ensure a genuine belly laugh from them, as a giggle simply will not do. You can also gauge the gender based on the type of jokes you use. If their laugher comes from a dirty limerick, then a point goes for team X chromosome. However, if it’s a joke about a kitten or a quote from Legally Blonde, you still have some dignity left tough guy (but not for long.)

So there you have it: Ten easy to follow guidelines to help distinguish the line between cartoonish androgyny and horrifyingly real androgyny. Although these guidelines have not been field tested, you can guarantee that they will work 100% (and if they don’t, please don’t tell me about it.)