The Ultimate Nightmare When Selling Your Home

So, I was just out of the shower yesterday. I live alone, except for the dog and she rarely complains about what I am wearing, so walking around my house after a shower is not a new thing or something I am generally concerned about. Even though I am alone, I tend to prefer to go from bathroom to bedroom and get dressed as soon as possible. So, yesterday I realized I had left a hair brush downstairs and I was about half way down when the following incident occurred.

1. There was a buzzing/ringing sound. This is what my doorbell sounds like. I froze. Surely, I couldn’t have just heard that sound.

2. There was a second buzzing/ringing sound and then the front door began to open.

3. I sprinted back upstairs, hair still a mess and flew into my bedroom. My dog began going crazy, charging at the door and
barking and snarling.

4. I heard someone downstairs screaming “Hellooooo!” I screamed, throwing on clothing like something was burning down, “It’s not a good time!”

5. My dog charged at the intruders. I was mentally cheering her on. I heard yet another “Helloooooo!”

6. I screamed again, “This is not a good time!”

7. I got yet another “Helloooooo!”

8. Straining my vocal chords I screamed “It’s NOT A GOOD TIME!!!!”
9. I heard a faint, “Oh, ok.”

See, I have been selling my house for about 2389438924789237 years or so now. I have become relatively used to the galactic-level rudeness of real estate agents. Apparently this is how they train real estate agents these days:

1. Please show up whenever you want to. Give a ridiculous, generic time frame for when you will show up and then show up whenever the hell you want to. An hour early? Not a problem. An hour late? Sure, why not.

2. Immediately go around the house and start opening doors. Closets, basements, kitchen cabinets, shower curtains. Open everything. If you feel you can get away with it, please open dresser drawers and desk drawers.

3. Never close anything you open. Leave closet doors wide open. Leave the basement door open. The more open you can leave the shower curtain the better.

4. Turn on lights that the owner has left off and please turn off all lights that the owner has left on. Quite obviously you know better the lights that should be left off and on than the owner. Being a real estate agent automatically makes you qualified in lighting design.

5. Leave things running whenever possible. If there is a sump pump in the basement, plug it in to test it and then leave it plugged in and running. The owner will love nothing more than standing in his kitchen and thinking, “What the hell is that humming sound?” and then walking into the basement to unplug the thing himself. Encouraging the owner to walk up and downstairs for unnecessary trips like this will be appreciated by his newly shaped thigh muscles.

6. Leave the front door unlocked. If you can get away with it, leave signs indicating the door is unlocked and put out maps that will allow potential burglars to find the valuables.

7. Break the front door locks and then blame the owner. Even if the owner can prove he never uses that lock to go in and out of his house because he parks his car in his garage every day and uses that door, feel free to break one of the locks on the front door and blame the owner. Then encourage the owner to spend his own money to repair the lock.

8. Track as much dirt as you can into the house and then feel free to complain about how dirty the house appears to be. Encourage the owner to provide a shovel and a pile of topsoil so that shovels full can just be thrown into the house.

Apparently the real estate agency threw me a courtesy call to let me know that the real estate agent was coming by. Sure, they called me at 9:50 to let me know that the person would be there at 10:00. I was in the shower at 9:50 and then attempting to shave and brush my teeth and get dressed when the guy walked in. How the hell is a person supposed to be properly prepared with that kind of notice? Who the hell shows houses that early on a damn Sunday morning?

I have no idea where real estate agents learn their craft. Apparently on a island adjoining the one where managers are bred and cloned with their heads shoved nicely up their asses. Apparently in addition to this real estate agents are also raised by woodchucks or some other animals and repeatedly bashed on the head to induce severe brain damage. Apparently closing doors and leaving something the way you found it when you got there is just beyond a real estate agents capability. Want to know who is leaving litter around the national parks instead of leaving the place just as they found it? I bet you it’s an entire family of real estate agents.