The Vatican III: Sweeping New Changes for Practicing Roman Catholics
“When Pope John Paul died in 2005, we decided to seize the opportunity to spruce things up a bit,” said Joaquin Navarro-Valls, Vatican spokesman. “To tell you the truth, most of the College of Cardinals felt that John Paul was kind of stodgy. He needed to get out a bit more and live a little. We couldn’t wait to get some new blood into the leadership of the church.”
One of the first things that the council agreed upon after his death was a radical change in the matrimonial laws for priests. “We’re losing priests left and right,” said Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires. “As of today, priests are not only free to marry, they’re encouraged. And we’re even going one step further.” He’s referring, of course, to the church’s decision to adopt the practice of polygamy ; the very same practice abandoned by the Mormon Church over 100 years ago. “No reflection on the Mormons, but they just didn’t know how to handle their women,” said Bergoglio. “We’ve established a whole new set of guidelines for young priests that will keep them engaged every minute of the day. They’ll be so busy chasing after their six young wives, they won’t have time to even look at little boys.”
And new radical changes have been planned for the 94,000 American nuns, as well. “Just about anyone who’s ever been drug off to Sunday school can remember how difficult it was to learn with those stern old nuns in their starched black habits leaning over you, threatening to whack you over the knuckles with a ruler,” said George Carey the archbishop of Canterbury. “Now, we’re allowing nuns to go ahead and start wearing civilian clothes. In fact, I just saw Sister Maria Theresa Rabinowitz in a very hot mini-skirt and a lowcut Hooters T-shirt. Class attendance is way, way up and they’re much more comfortable.”
A big change with Vatican II was the shift from Latin to English during the conducting of the Mass. Many English speaking Catholics struggled to understand Latin. With Vatican III, parishioners will experience yet, another change. Since the federal government gave up trying to suppress the illegal flow of immigrants across the U.S. border from Mexico, practicing Catholics are right back in the same boat again. According to Church sources, “The only people going to Mass are the illegal immigrants and they can’t understand a word of English.” As a result, the Vatican decided to concede by conducting the Mass in Spanish. “What the hell,” said Navarro-Valls, “they’re the only ones who go to church anyway. We might as well make it easy for them.”
The College of Cardinals has also been concerned with the world-wide attrition of practicing lay Catholics. “In this day and age, people just don’t have time to go to confession, say their penance, attend Mass, go to soccer practice and pick up the kids at their music lessons. They’re just too damned busy,” said Cardinal Avery Dulles, leader of the Catholic Doctrine of Faith. “So, we think we’ve come up with a solution.” Beginning next year, the Vatican will begin building drive-through chapels. Open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the “Pray and Go’s” will let busy families drive up to a take-out window, confess their sins together, receive penance, get a complimentary rosary and a CD of this Sunday’s Mass. All for $4.95.
Prior to Vatican II, many practicing Catholics found it difficult to abstain from meat on Fridays. Vatican II changed all that and allowed parishioners to eat meat on Fridays. “We always felt that abstinence from meat was a harsh directive,” said Cardinal Dulles. “Even I had problems enjoying a ball game on Fridays with all of those hot dogs around.” Meatless Fridays also took a severe toll on the meatpacking business. “We were really hurting there for a while,” said Big Ed Newton, owner of K & B Meatpackers and one of the Catholic Church’s largest benefactors. “Those damn rules were killing our sales with all of that no meat business. Thank God that’s over!”
Not only are Catholics allowed to eat meat on Fridays now, they’re actually required to. “Parishioners must eat meat in at least one meal; more if they can,” said Dulles. “And vegetarians aren’t exempt either. If they can’t face up to a good steak or hamburger, then they can eat anything that’s deep fried in animal fat.”
Even the sacraments have changed with Vatican III. “The Eucharist has traditionally been offered in the form of unleavened bread,” said Cardinal Bergoglio. “But, that’s just become too much of a hassle. Besides, with the nuns’ liberation, we can’t find anyone to make them anymore. So, instead, we’re starting to pass out bite-size Ritz crackers at the alter. They’re cheaper, easier to find, gentler on the digestive tract and parishioners can just reach into the box and grab a handful themselves without all of the pomp and circumstance.” The Church has also done completely away with fasting prior to the sacraments. “With all of the eating disorders in teenage girls these days, we just didn’t want anyone pointing the finger at us.”
There have also been a number of other changes aimed at helping parishioners get through their busy day. Says Cardinal Dulles, “For those parishioners who can regularly attend Mass we’re issuing special punch cards. After twelve masses, they get to take one Sunday off. And, by eliminating the Epistle, the Gospel, the Sermon and the Canon we’ve been able to shave over 40 minutes off the length of the Mass. We feel that if people really want to hear them, they can get them themselves on the Internet.
“All in all, we think that these are going to be positive changes for modern practicing Catholics,” said Cardinal Bergoglio. “We need to dispense with all of this historical falderal get back to basics. We need to make it easier for our parishioners.
