The Zen of Fatherhood

It’s not a good idea to lose yourself in anything. Alcohol and drugs are the obvious examples, though anything done immoderately can be a drag. Read too much and you lose sight of the real word, and you’ll probably hurt your eyes as well. Even something nutritious like fruit will cause serious pain and discomfort if overdone. And so many men worry, when they’re about to become fathers, that their entire lives will be lumped into the “Dad” category, that their whole selves will be given to this new role. Will I spend the rest of my days wearing spit-up stained clothes? Am I going to live in a world of soft colors, small furniture, sugar-coated music, and stickers?

Having gone through the experience, and now going about it for a second time, I’ve found that it’s not difficult to work things out so that you can retain your individuality and have some semblance of the life you had before. What’s the secret? Embrace fatherhood, gentlemen, and you’ll find that everything else falls into place. The answer can be found in three simple words: get into it.One key benefit to being a hands-on dad is that you can rack up an incredible amount of points with your partner. Get busy as a parent, and more than likely, your partner will see to it that you get out on occasion. Don’t think she won’t notice how great you are for changing your share of diapers and wiping up all that drool. When you begin to take the child solo and send your partner out on her own, you gain even more. At this point, if she hasn’t remarked on your efforts, her friends certainly will. “You’re very lucky to have such a wonderful husband,” they might say, and you’ll find it funny being given such high praise for merely doing your fair share.

Then, before you can click your heels, she will be pushing for you to go out. Getting into fatherhood is the perfect way to feel youthful. When else are you going to have a tag-a-long excuse to sing, make funny faces and practice your favorite wild animal sounds? (I always generally leave the farm animals to my wife, preferring instead the lion, monkey, ape and the Levy household favorite, elephant). There is a pitfall-these same behaviors will probably win you sighs and eye rolls once your little one reaches his or her teens. That’s okay, because by then you’ll have gotten too old to care what others think of you. You might think you have lots of business you need to take care of, but giving your undivided attention to your child is the way to go for your own mental health. Turn off those televisions, put away the PDAs, and turn the ringer off the phone and you’ll find that you’re going to be practicing better karmic health. By focusing all of your energy on your new child, you’re living in the present. The more you hang out with the little tykes, the better you’ll be at stopping the world in its tracks and enjoying the ever-loving now. Want to live forever? Well then, you’re going to have to learn to stop time. Luckily, your child can teach you how. The little ones are yet to know about homework or deadlines or due dates or appointments, and every moment is an opportunity for fun. You can fight this and live a frustrated life, or you can get on the ground, get dirty, and start living.

Me? I’m going to choose the latter.Home life does not work like economics. No, you can’t expect to defer to Adam Smith’s theory of the invisible hand and expect that everything will just work out. Without much forethought, you’re going to fall into some common traps, and before you know it, you’ll be more of a hands-off dad than you ever thought you would. When I went back to work after a month at home with the first child, I found that traditional roles crept their way into our household. My wife did the bedtime routine for those first weeks back, and when I decided to get back into the game, my daughter was no longer comfortable with me in that role. It wasn’t until three years later that she happily let me put her to bed-just in time for her baby brother to be born.So in the end, the best thing for the new Dad is to just be involved. I have to admit that focusing on parenthood came pretty easily. I didn’t have my first child until I was thirty years old, and I’d already traveled the world and lived in three corners of the country. I’ve had my fair share of long evenings, and I felt no disappointment on moving on to the next chapter. Yes, I still get to go out on occasion. I still see my friends, make music and have the odd spontaneous moment. It’s the security and happiness of my family that allows me to do this effortlessly, with a clear conscience.