Things You Should Never Do in a Public Bathroom
You Should Never:
1. Never under any circumstances should you ever hold a mirror at the bottom of the stall, angle it until you can see your neighbor and say, “would you mind handing me some toilet paper? I seem to have caca on my hand.”
2. Cheer wildly and demand an encore every time somebody in another stall makes bodily functions noises.
3. Drop large objects into the bowl and sigh in relief when it splashes.
4. Say, “Is that a maggot?!”
5. Smear peanut butter on some toilet paper, slide it under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “Hey can you kick that back over here?”
6. Stick your hand under the stall wall in a gesture to shake hands and say, “Hey I’m Joe.”
7. Say out loud, “I wonder what color you would call that?”
8. Make loud disgusting sucking noises. Especially if you are the only one in the stall.
9. Tap your right foot unless you have a meeting with Larry Craig.
10. Try to open an occupied stall and when the door doesn’t open continue to rattle it until it nearly comes off the hinges. Totally ignore the person inside that may or may not be screaming at you.
11. Walk out of the stall carrying a used diaper. The large adult kind.
12. Write your mother’s name and phone number on the stall for a good time.
13. Stand inside the doorway of the restroom and direct traffic. Only letting visitors in and out of one particular stall, chosen for no reason at all.
14. Crawl under all the stall doors and lock them from the inside. Then crawl back out and laugh at all the people who can’t use the bathroom. Then wait until maintenance has come and unlocked all the stalls and then do it again several times.
15. Set up a photography booth in the bathroom. Offer to take people’s pictures for a small fee. And then offer to take upskirt shots for a slightly higher price.
16. Fart and light a match near your sphincter.
17. Make business cards declaring yourself a pimp and hand them out to people once they are already in a stall.
18. Read this article out loud from inside a stall while dropping pebbles into the bowl.
19. Lurk around the bathroom, tap your foot and shout out the number of minutes you’ve been there every so often.
20. Take this article seriously. Some of the things in this article can get you arrested and was written for no other reason than humor. Do not attempt these pranks unless you like jail.
