This Outer Space for Rent

As the public’s interest in the space program wanes, NASA is now attempting something else to rekindle that interest in the next frontier: Stunt launches. Similar to television’s “stunt programming” used to increase ratings, these “very special” missions are assembled with various mixes of crews, functions and tests. Special flights are planned to carry civilians, animals, plants and, golf balls for different “test” purposes. As well as for maximum publicity. And that’s only for starters. The NASA mission wish-list includes such future launches as:

âÂ?¢ The cast of “Phantom of the Opera” – what better way to study the long-term effects of weightlessness on Broadway musicals then to launch the long-term musical?

âÂ?¢ Bill Gates – no real tests, he just wants to get a good view of everything he owns.

âÂ?¢ Cake mixes – You know how you have to adjust the cake recipe for high altitudes? Well, what’s it going to take to bake a cake in space?

âÂ?¢ The cast of the original “Star Trek” – just to get them out of NASA’s hair.

âÂ?¢ Donald Trump & Paris Hilton – to study the effects on people when you take them into space and then leave them there.

âÂ?¢ Beer Kegs – Can you tap a keg in space? What will be the beer/foam ratio? Why is this important? If you drank Tang as long as the astronauts have, you wouldn’t have to ask.

âÂ?¢ The casts of “One Tree Hill” & “The O.C.” – NASA really wants to get that all important 18-24 year-old demographic watching.

âÂ?¢ One of those science project volcanoes – Will baking soda and vinegar react the same way in space? What kind of science projects are the children of tomorrow going to have to come up with?

âÂ?¢ George Lucus – to scout new locations for his next “Star Wars” cycle of movies.

âÂ?¢ Car alarms – Can they function in the vacuum of space? Can you hear them? How will people of the future alarm their space cars? And what will their neighbors do?

âÂ?¢ Megalomaniacal Madman Bent on World Domination – He wants to go up and see what kind of death lasers he needs to set up in orbit in order to successfully take over the world. Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re thinking, but the dude was willing to pay A LOT of money to do this.

âÂ?¢ Silly String – how does it react in zero gravity? Will string shot into space travel forever? They’re also sending up a case of Slinkies, too.

âÂ?¢ Roulette Wheels, dice, slot machines – to determine if casino gambling is space is feasible, with an eye toward making NASA self-sufficient.

âÂ?¢ The Psychic Hotline Psychics – Can they better predict the approach of asteroids and meteors? And how much would a 900 number cost from space?

âÂ?¢ Tom Hanks – to see if he can finally be cured of his outer space jones.

And if you have any suggestions on who you’d like to see launched into space, just send a postcard to; “Space Junkets, NASA” and we’ll probably do it.