This is GNN: Ghetto News Network
In 2003, CNN made a rather starling announcement regarding their anchors. A mandate was issued that in order to reach a younger audience, those between the ages of 18 and 49, the anchors would start using slang terms during their broadcasts. According to a memo obtained by several news outlets, a listing of terms, such as “jiggy,” “dope,” and “fa shizzle” (for sure) would be distributed to the anchors in effort to get them up to speed on the latest street lingo. While the “suits” at CNN were confident that this would help to increase viewership, I was confident that the executives and anchors would look like a bunch of assholes if they went through with this stupid plan.
It was bad enough that I had to watch anchors that were nothing more than mannequins, with their perfectly cropped hair, clothes, and features. The thought of having to be subjected to some news dork spewing words that they didn’t even understand was irritating as hell.
This would be the equivalent of having New York Governor George Pataki host the MTV Music Awards. Imagine this guy trying to keep America’s youth riveted to the show for three hours. I still can’t shake that harrowing image of Martha Stewart attempting to speak slang when she appeared at the MTV Music Awards with rap superstar Busta Rhymes a few years ago. I had nightmares for weeks. Hey Martha! I hope your former inmates were kind enough to teach you how to properly articulate terms like “Bling-bling”, “That’s butter”, and “It’s a wrap”. Stick to making tea and crumpets Martha, okay?
Let me give you some other illustrations of just how asinine CNN’s idea was. Just imagine Senator Trent Lott as the host of “Soul Train” instead of Don Cornelius. Imagine Republican Senator John McCain playing “George Jefferson” (of “The Jeffersons”) instead of Sherman Helmsley. Imagine Laura Bush as the lead in the 1970’s cult classic “Foxy Brown” or “Cleopatra Jones”. The examples may be a bit extreme, but the point is clear. The concepts would not have worked then, and they certainly would not work today at a major news organization like CNN.
I am curious to know how the CNN suits determined that the majority of people in America, in this particular age category, spoke this way. Did they pull some poor, pissed off, unsuspecting black guy out of the mailroom and ask him? I admit that I have used slang terms as a columnist when I started writing initially. However, there was an enormous difference between using them in a weekly publication like The Wave, which had a circulation of 13,000, versus a major network that reaches a global audience.
As far as I’m concerned, the decision was a clear indication that they would rather stoop to sick tactics like this than hire diverse anchors those viewers might be able to relate to. It’s the “Kung Fu” argument all over again. Remember that? If not, let me refresh your memory. In early 1970, the late Bruce Lee pitched the hit television series to the ABC network. Lee was to be the writer, director and star of the show, but ABC was worried that he looked “too Asian.” So, what did they do? The suits at ABC cut Lee out of the deal all together, and then hired a white actor, David Carradine, and had a make-up crew give him the appearance of being Chinese. CNN attempted to do the same thing. They didn’t want to hire anchors that catered to their lost demographic, so they handed out bullshit memos and booklets to resident anchors on how they thought young America spoke.
I’ve always felt the move was very insulting to CNN viewers of all races, but it was most insulting to educated people of color. I did not understand their need to dumb down journalism and their approach to presenting news stories. If CNN suits had gotten their way, a typical newscast may have sounded something like this. “The Man looked jiggy as he stepped off Air Force One this morning. Bush was sportin’ this bangin’ ass two-piece joint, and accentuated it with some phat ‘Iversons.’ The First Lady, Laura, was chillin’ in a bitchin’ one-piece, open back dress from the Pamela Anderson collection. The first couple was set to crash with BP Tony Blair and some fine ass honey-dip for the weekend. Several published reports noted that Blair’s crib was the fuckin’ bomb yo!”
The decision made no sense at all, and here’s the scariest part. The practice probably would have found its way into mainstream news organizations as well. Dumb asses travel in flocks and can be found anywhere. The executive offices of major news organizations are no exception! Other networks would’ve followed CNN’s lead because ratings are the only things that matter to network executives, and if CNN has trounced them as a result of this move, I guarantee you they would have scrambled to get versions of their own “Jiggy Journal” to anchors and reporters.
Yes, certain young people and adults may speak differently, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of understanding news stories and the traditional format used to present them. Instead of addressing their viewership problem in this manner, maybe the suits at CNN should have considered the fact that young people aren’t watching the network because they don’t see anyone like them behind the goddamn anchor desk. I’ll tell you what they need to do. They need to throw somebody with some damn dreadlocks and a Phat Farm shirt behind the desk! Have a woman with pink or violet hair and a nice, form-fitting two-piece Donna Karan suit behind there. What the hell! Show some semblance of a tit every now and then. Have guys ditch the traditional suit and tie and show some chest or biceps. Have people like Tony Hawk, legendary skateboarder, do segments on extreme sports. Have somebody with a pierced tongue and a bandana doing the weather. Have a hot, young woman with a Jennifer Lopez ass doing cooking segments. Be bold, be creative, and be different! As long as they can present and discuss the news and offer social commentary as well as any Pulitzer Prize winning journalist or political analysts, that’s all that matters. That’s how you get younger viewers and establish an edge! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.
My tirade is also directed at the stuffy-assed networks that believe real newscasts should feature Ken and Barbie-like clones. You know the ones. They have the perfect suits, ad lib between stories, and always look like they just had their hair doused with 15 cans of damn hairspray. These are the same news whores that crack stupid jokes and attempt to be cute five seconds after reporting a tragic story. Fuck cute! Give me hard-edged, real news and go away. If I want cute or asinine I’ll watch Geraldo Rivera. ABC News, Eyewitness News in particular, happens to be a haven for a good number of these idiots, but most of the network and cable news outlets are quickly gaining on them. Remember, dumb asses travel in flocks, and they live off Starbuck’s coffee.
I do have one more suggestion for CNN and other network and cable news heads. There are many extremely talented, gifted, young editors and journalists, of many ethnic backgrounds, working on high school, college and community newspapers. You all should implement a policy where you could give them a part-time gig as broadcasters alongside your anchors and in the newsroom. If you don’t want to pay them, then at least give them a fucking credit for school or a reference for future media employers in exchange for their services. That may be another key method of reaching younger viewers. It certainly would be better than what you’ve considered in the past….fa shizzle!
