Tips for Being an Excellent Stepmother
1. Adjusting to a new parent takes time.
When I first became a step parent, I was a bit frustrated that I had taken care of these children for awhile, more than their mother did yet I was not welcomed with open arms. When things around the house didn’t go right, one of the kids didn’t get their way, or they had a bad day in general, all of their anger and frustration got placed on me. I was treated all kinds of ways, but there was only way to get through it.
2. Communication is the key.
Communicating with your husband and the children is essential to making the relationship lasts. Talk to your husband openly about how you are feeling. Be sure to use “I” statements so he doesn’t feel like you are blaming him. Make sure you let him know what is going on and what you would like to see changed. Sit down and talk with the children while their father is in the room. Keep all the lines of communication open.
3. You are not there to replace the children.
This is probably something you realize as an adult, but the children may not realize this. The children may see you as a threat and feel you are trying to replace them. If my stepson was playing, and all of a sudden, he saw me walking hand in hand with my husband, he would come up in between us and break it up. There were many times my husband and I would have to sit down with my stepson and explain to him that I was not there to replace him and that his father’s love for me was different than his father’s love for him. I remember being quite frustrated, but what seems obvious to us is not obvious to children.
4. Keep your rude comments to yourself.
When it comes to dealing with the ex-spouse of your husband, keep your rude comments to yourself and become the bigger person. Be cordial and mature. Never open your mouth and say things that have nothing to do with you. If you have a concern, address this with your husband. The last thing you need is the ex-spouse bad mouthing you to the children.
5. Set rules for the house.
When I first became a stepparent, my husband and I both had different rules for the house. Misunderstanding would arise often and often we would end up in arguments until we started sitting down together and making rules together. We would make sure we compromised and agreed on everything before we presented it to the children.
6. Agree on discipline.
Many times, my husband and I would argue over discipline. I felt my stepson needed one thing and he saw it another. We came to the agreement that we both had different ideas of discipline and we would use one form of discipline for one action and so on.
7. Stick to what you say.
Make sure you follow through with any discipline or anything you say to your stepchildren, otherwise, they make mistake your uncertainty for a weakness and take advantage of you which will lead to more problems.
8. Don’t let them see you get mad.
You stepchildren may or may not do things that they think will make you angry. Don’t respond to this negative behavior. For example, my stepson would say something like “my mom used to call my dad baby. How come you don’t call him baby?” At his age and with his smarts, he knew this wouldn’t make me happy so instead of getting visibly angry, I said “that is nice for her, but I like calling him by his name.” I smiled and left well enough alone. Eventually he stopped saying stuff like that.
9. Support your partner.
When it comes to his children, chances are, it is a sensitive subject that you will want to tackle with care. Support him when it comes to child custody issues, child support or anything else that has to do with his children. The worse thing you could do is not support him. Doing this could lead to a divorce. You can always say “I don’t agree with this becauseâÂ?¦.., but I support you in what you decide to do.” Chances are he will hear you out better than if you get mad.
10. Realize that you are the stepmother.
You are not the biological mother. You do not have rights to these children should you and your husband divorce. The final say over the children belongs to your husband and his ex-spouse. The key to being heard is to establishing a working relationship with the ex-spouse. When I first talked to my husband’s ex-wife, she would call after 9pm even though she knew the kids were in bed at 9. She would call my husband and start arguments or ask for money for this and that. I couldn’t stand her and she couldn’t stand me. We had words, but after awhile of not saying much to each other, I sy we have grown to a working relationship. She feels comfortable enough to call and ask me questions and I the same with her. It is an odd feeling, but it feels great to know that we have made progress. It creates a more peaceful atmosphere for the children involved.
Feeling comfortable and accepted as a stepparent can take years. It can also take weeks or can happen from the minute you enter that child’s life. Whatever the situation, know that you are the stepparent and that doesn’t give you any rights. Most likely, your journey to respect will not be an easy one, but follow these steps and you should be comfortable in no time at all.
