To Be a Stepmother or Not to Be
As a young person, any advice from others tends to come in one ear and out the other. If you are considering marrying a man with children: Listen Up!
The different issues to consider can seem overwhelming; for a reason: they are! Stepchildren, the mother of those children, the courts, the weekends, summers, holidays and any future children you may have. The reality is you are the second family.
To become the friend of another woman’s child can be difficult. Everyone expects you to love these children as your own, however, when it comes to everything else you are expected to step back. This is not on the table and no one will ever tell you this, unless, of course, it’s said angrily in an argument.
In the beginning the children may or may not accept you in their father’s life. Slowly adjusting to their insults or subtle ways of telling you, “you are not my mother,” can be daunting. But you love this man so much you can tackle anything, right? Eventually the stress will diminish, but then the drama of their mother can become exhausting.
Not all biological mothers are monsters, but it is possible to run into one of these creatures. The manipulation, the lies, the constant “baby’s mama drama” is real. Can you handle being called out of your name? Once or twice is understandable, she’s being replaced and this monster isn’t about to lose control of any situation having to do with her ex or her children. Her frame of mind doesn’t just change over night. It will take years for her to adjust and hopefully move on. What about the women that continue to try to ruin your life? It may seem like it is their form of entertainment for example: Petitioning court for the smallest issue just to irk your last nerve.
The courts are unbelievable. They tend to favor the mother in any situation. If your husband is paying child support and stops because of loss of job or unable to maintain his own household, the court does not care, he is in contempt of court and may most likely do time in jail. Switch the situation around, your husband has full custody and the mother of the children has not paid child support for months, you can take her into court for being in contempt, but the court slaps her on the wrist and says, you better pay soon – or what? What happens to her? Not much. Its frustrating and not every situation ends up like this, buts its possible. Are you prepared for this?
Most men have petitioned for visitation or parenting time, it’s the same thing. Depending on the agreement, you will be seeing the children every other weekend, every weekend, once during the week, every other holiday, switching year to year. Creating a schedule for your own life can get complicated. Who drops whom off, what about pick-up? During the summer do you have them for two weeks or the full summer? Do you get to stop child support payment if they are in your care for an entire summer? Not likely.
Add a few years to the situation and the possibility of having your own children comes into play. No one likes to talk about the feelings that may conjure up towards your stepchildren. Resentment may begin to build as your own children are put on the back burner, although they are behaving and sitting patiently, Christmas cannot start until she drops them off. What happened to waking up and ripping apart the paper in a chaos that every child can’t wait to create? These compromises may not seem like a huge deal in the beginning, but definitely something to consider.
Being a stepmother isn’t the easiest job. It’s hard and no one will ever know what it is like unless they are one. Support groups have been formed just for this incredible group of women. Raising, loving and tending to children that are not your own is tough. You don’t get the last say; you have to get permission from the “real” mother. Sure, the father has a say, but most likely its not final.
Before you pick out the flowers and taste test the cake be sure of everything you are getting into. There are resources available for future stepmothers. Seek the real facts, the horror stories, and the realities. Its not impossible, its not worst thing in the world, and it’s not all negative. Ask yourself: Are you ready for it?
