Top Eight Reasons to Actually Go See Snakes on a Plane – Crazy Review, Read at Risk of Your Own Sanity!

Rather than give you a hefty, wordy review about Snakes on a Plane, I decided to wrap up the movie’s top eight best, non-spoiler moments in a quaint little list. If you haven’t seen it yet, I’m sure you already have tons of delicious ideas slithering about in your head about what you expect to happen in a movie with this kind of title. This is my answer: YES. Those things ALL happen. Everything you’re thinking. It’s as good and as bad as you expect, plus much more that you didn’t. So without further adeu, a list of the cheesy things that you just knew Snakes on a Plane would give you – and a few extras that will definitely make this movie a cult classic, fit for any Rocky Horror Picture Show gathering everywhere.

Disclaimer: Yes, I think a disclaimer is necessary. There will be some racial and social stereotypes made in this list because the movie itself uses those stereotypes to poke fun. Don’t blame me for the brilliance that is Snakes!

Part One: Yes, snakes do indeed bite every imaginable body part, and that makes the movie full of awesome.

Butt:
1. What the hell is funnier than a big, fat black guy getting bitten on his butt? A big, fat, snake-bitten black guy bodyguard whining “My ass! My ass!” like a crybaby for the rest of the movie. I hope the snake brushed his teeth. Gross.

Breast:
2. Now, people, what happens when you have do drugs and have sex during a horror movie? That’s right. Your bare breast gets bitten by a poisonous snake and you die in a cramped airplane bathroom with a sweaty naked guy. Don’t smoke pot. Potheads are the first to die in awesome moves. Remember Club Dread? Yeah. Potheads just don’t last.

Weenie:
3. Given the option between watching a snake take a piece of fat black ass or firm supple tit, I’d opt to watch a snake come out of the toilet and bite a guy’s weenie. Ooops, sorry. I meant to say penis. Yeah, it’s an excellent moment of suspense and horror during which I suspect half of the guys in the audiences were firmly groping their own crotches and planning on how they intend to pee in the future without risking using the toilet. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his weenie (penis), and begins to wiz while looking at the ceiling. Do all guys look at the ceiling when they wiz? Camera cut to an innocent snake, taking a morning swim in the loo. He rises up a bit and gets a faceful of urine. Naturally, the snake then bites the most beloved male-part. It wouldn’t be a complete movie without that.

Part 2: Other cool shiz

4. In a show of magnificent cinematography and creativity, the snakes are given “Snake-o-vision.” That is, whenever the director wants to show the world through the eyes of the “monster,” the camera cuts to the viewpoint of a snake, complete with green lense overtones and blurry features and creepy music. YES. Snakes see the world as green, blurry, creepy music. No horror movie is complete without Monster-vision.

5. A big, fat, Hawaiian lady in a rainbow-colored mumu (always a great basis for laughs) falls asleep on the plane, so you know something bad’s gonna to happen to her. A very horny snake slithers up between her legs, and the woman begins to make pleasant murmuring sounds, as if suddenly having extremely good dreams. Oh my. This scene was extremely disturbing for me, and I had to cover my eyes. Anyways, the snake finishes up with her quickly. Unfortunately, instead of smoking a cig afterwards to celebrate, the snake bites out her eye.

6. Snakes eat through the power cords and the lights suddenly go out, leaving everyone in creepy darkness. Everyone gasps, but above it all you hear one idiot gasping loudest of all: Snakes! That’s right, nimrod. Snakes. On a frikkin’ plane. I hope that guy died.

7. Pampered, annoying blonde girl + Small pampered dog named “Mary-Kate” + Anaconda OF DOOM = Oops, I’ve said too much.

8. Not only are there snakes and a plane, but there’s also a super ninja! Super ninjas make any movie awesome.

So that’s it. That’s my eight reasons that you absolutely must see the movie Snakes on a Plane. “But wait!” you say, “What about Samuel L. Jackson? You haven’t mentioned Samuel L. Jackson at all, and he’s half the reason to see the movie right there!”

Alright. You got me. This isn’t a Top Eight list. It is indeed a Top Ten list with the last two reasons reserved for the man himself. You spend the whole movie waiting for it, and Snakes on a Plane delivers it in the end!

Part 3: Samuel L. Jackson moments

9. Samuel L. Jackson. Tense moment. Everything seems to be at its worst. Silence. Tension. Silence. Then: “That’s it! I’ve had it with these muthafuckin’ snakes on this muthafuckin’ plane!” Excellent. Now the movie has been worth your time.

10. Bonus for gamers: Samuel L. Jackson says “Praise playstation!!” I’m not going to explain that one. You’ll have to watch the movie.