Top Secrets of Video Store Clerks
1. Video store clerks receive some really strange presents.
Video store clerks see the same people, night after night. A strange sort of relationship usually evolves from that sort of repeated but limited contact. I can only speculate that frequent movie renters might be the lonely sorts who get easily attached. You would not believe some of the strange presents people brought to my co-workers and I over the years. We’ve received pieces of homemade birthday cake left over from customers’ parties, homemade soup and Thanksgiving dinner plates, pizzas, candy, photographs of flowers (not actual flowers, though), packs of gum and cigarettes, free event passes, newspaper clippings about drive-in theaters (which kind of makes sense), and free theater passes (which really makes sense).
2. Video store clerks don’t all love movies.
There are three kinds of video store clerks. Some people get hired to work as video store clerks because of their extensive movie knowledge. Others are just stylish slackers who are under the impression that video store clerk is a laid-back job. Many others get hired as video store clerks because of previous retail experience and demonstrated expertise.
This last category is highly desired by the video store industry, because these are the people used to making displays, adhering to corporate standards, and keeping customers from stealing whatever they can get their hands on. This type tends to get promoted to management very quickly, and the other two types of video store clerks hate this third type. Being a video store clerk would probably be the laid-back job everyone imagines if it weren’t for these people.
3. Video store clerks don’t mind getting asked out once, politely, and with many conditions.
For whatever reason, video store clerks get asked out by their customers all the time, (just about every night, in fact). Whether people assume that being a video store clerk makes you inherently cool, or if it’s just a convenience thing (“Might as well-she’s behind the counter!”), we get sick of the constant barrage of creepy date requests. Video store clerks also make fun of the unsuccessful askers, so don’t ask unless you really think you’ve got a shot.
If you are in the same age range as your favorite video store clerk (+/-3 years) and fairly good looking, you might fall into the category of “It’s okay to ask me out.” You must also be able to ask without making an overtly or subtly crude reference to sex. Living in your mother’s basement is a no-go, as is being unemployed. It helps to have something obviously in common with the video store clerk of your dreams, and a real conversation or two helps more than you can imagine. Whatever you say, make it short and sweet. And do not ask the video store clerk if she wants to watch the movie you just rented with you. I promise you she doesn’t-she’d much rather do something that has nothing to do with her crappy job.
If you get turned down after you ask politely, do not protest or ask again. All this does is make your favorite video store clerk wish you’d hurry up and get out of her line, and dooms you to creepdom in the eyes of all the video store clerks at that store. If you handle the rejection well, the asking will not be held against you in any way.
4. Your customer file can and will be used against you.
Your video store clerk has access to a lot of information about you, including your Drivers’ License and credit card numbers. Should you ask out a video store clerk, don’t be surprised if she knows you’ve been secretly renting porno for the last five years, or if your name is actually on your mother’s account.
In addition, being rude, making scenes, trying to scam anything, and shoplifting will all be duly noted on your customer file. Should you try to legitimately try to return a DVD you bought that doesn’t work, the video store clerk may not be willing to help you if you’ve been noted as a shoplifter or other type of scam artist. If you come into the store yelling and crying about late fees, your video store clerk will not take you seriously if you’ve been noted as a chronic late fee complainer or user of abusive language.
5. Video store clerks do not have glamorous jobs.
I know, video store clerks are supposed to be some of the coolest people on earth, right underneath bartenders, barristas, and music store managers. Cool as we might seem, though, the job sucks. You would not believe the amount of paperwork, stocking, dusting, up-selling, and grunt work video store clerks have to do. Video store clerks (no matter what position on the totem pole) always have a higher-up that shovels down the corporate crap and “you are replaceable” mentality. Customers yell at us for all sorts of weird stuff, or say dirty things to us when their wives are two aisles away.
The job (according to the corporate entity that owns whatever video store you happen to be standing in) has very, very little to do with movies. It’s just a regular retail job, and the pay is worse than fast food.
6. Being nice to your video store clerk can potentially save you money.
Anyone who has been a video store clerk for a few months knows the computer system inside and out, and can manipulate it to his/her advantage. If you are nice to your video store clerk on a regular basis, don’t be surprised if you mysteriously have coupons applied to your rentals or if your late fees magically disappear. Video store clerks are genuinely grateful for those wonderful customers that come in regularly, talk to us like human beings, and don’t give us any crap.
7. Contrary to popular belief, people are not nicer during the holidays.
With few exceptions, the holidays bring people into video stores who normally never rent or buy movies. The video store is just one more item on a long errand list, and the frazzled nerves of holiday shoppers create a special kind of hell for video store clerks. You would be surprised at how many people get irate because it’s 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve and all the copies of How the Grinch Stole Christmas are checked out. Here’s another secret: Your video store clerk will sympathize with you and try to help, until you get snippy. Then, we really could give a rat’s behind and no, we will not call another twelve video stores for you.
8. Video stores are incredibly dirty.
Hundreds of people walk through video stores every day. Every movie on every shelf gets touched by thousands of strangers every year. It’s hard enough to straighten the shelves, realphabetize all the movies, stock the candy and beverages, count the money and do the paperwork, pick up the garbage customers scatter around the store, take the garbage out, set up the next day’s releases or displays, and sweep up the lobby area at the end of every night. Do you really think we’re dusting the shelves or wiping down movie cases, too? The amount of grit and grime on video store shelves is something customers don’t notice, but video store clerks go home covered in it. If you think that’s bad, imagine what the employee bathroom looks like.
