Tutorial: How to Sabotage Yourself
This tutorial is designed specifically for self-loathers. Follow these instructions carefully to become extremely unhappy, poor, disrespected, lonely, and better yet, to hate yourself even more.
Tell all your friends and family how they can make millions by joining this “awesome” new MLM (Multi-Level Marketing)company that only costs $100 a month.
Whenever you meet an attractive new person of the opposite sex, be sure to talk at length about all of your problems.
Use credit cards to pay for everything.
When a credit card “stops working,” apply for a new one.
Always look pissed off or upset when you’re at work. You want to make sure everyone knows how much you hate your job.
Take up a new hobby: drinking.
If anything makes you really happy, tell everyone how you will probably never be that happy again.
Gossip about friends and family members. Make sure to gossip with friends and/or family members of the person you are gossiping about.
Always talk about your “horrible day at work” whenever you get the chance.
When watching a movie or TV show with others, feel free to ask them plenty of questions about what’s happening. This may even be a great time to talk about your “horrible day at work.”
Take up another hobby: smoking.
Make sure everyone knows that you have the worst luck of anyone they will ever meet.
You’re not the only one with flaws, so make sure to always point out everyone else’s flaws as well.
Feed your hunger for love and companionship with cake and cookies.
Whenever you buy a gift for someone, make sure they know all of its flaws, how cheap it was, and how it’s really “not anything special.”
If you ever do a favor for someone, make sure they understand how little effort you put into it.
Try smoking some crack to ease your pain.
Always wear a frown wherever you go. You want to try and make it a permanent expression on your face.
Always leave a tip of 10% or less… especially if you’re at a fancy restaurant. Their work is never quite good enough to be worth the full 15%, and the more the bill is, the less you have for tip anyway.
Borrow money from friends and family, and never pay it back.
Quit your job to become a full time professional Internet Poker Player.
If you ever have children, give them funny names like “Crystal Shanda” if your last name is “Lier,” or any of the names Frank Zappa gave his kids, like “Dweezil” and “Moon Unit.” You want to make sure to pass on your “bad luck” to your kids (this does not apply if you’re rich and famous, which you’re not).
