Understanding Teen Rebellion

What looks like rebellion in teenagers may simply be part of growing up, according to Parent Support Specialist Kelli White, who presented “LIVE from Planet Teen: Understanding Each Other.”

“The process of individuation often looks like rebellion,” said White. “Parents don’t understand that is normal. They are supposed to be separating from you and exploring who they want to become.” She said knowing this does not necessarily “make it any easier in the
moment,” but parents should not take it personally and think, “How could you do this to me?”

White said, “Guiding a young person to adulthood often requires patience, stamina and a good sense of humor. When we are able to laugh and play a little bit with our teenagers and share, it is a great stress relief. When parents have a good sense of humor about things, it allows them to not take their teenagers behavior so personally – to not get so enmeshed in their behaviors that you forget the big picture. The development is the big picture – that they are growing and changing.”

She said, “As kids get older they stop looking so much at their parents for validation and start looking at their peers. Part of what they are going though is forming their own identity, being able to try on different roles. They are becoming adults. Adolescence is a process, a journey of finding who they will be.”

Normal behavior in teens is “they reject what their parents find pleasing or important – they are going to say the opposite. It’s kind of like the ‘Terrible Two’s.’ All ‘Terrible Two’s’ go through a phase where their favorite word is ‘No.’ Kids will say, ‘No’ when they mean, ‘Yes.’ Parents who don’t know that will often freak out, take it personally and over punish the two-year-old, and I see the same thing with parents of teenagers.”

White said, “I think it’s really important to get a reality check every once in a while – is this really a big issue? It might be something they could laugh over as not so big.” She said many parents “shame their kids, or they overprotect. Trying to control, fix, coerce, or command everything about your teenager will result in an angry teen.”

Sometimes parents can make conflicts worse between themselves and their teens, White said. “If a parent and a teen are having a lot of confrontation and rebellion, the parents can look at their own behavior. Are they making their behavior worse” by being unreasonable or not listening?

“I think a lot of times parents of teenagers start replaying their teenage years, and I think we have a lot of fear. When we have fear, we tend to come down more strictly. Parents of teens tend to replay their own issues. We overact because of our own unfinished
emotional issues in our own adolescence. They need space to make mistakes, and they need to have some privacy.”

To learn more about your teen’s environment, “one of the best ways to figure out what kids are going though is to volunteer at their school. You would not believe how few parents volunteer at the high school level.”

Also, “know the parents of your kid’s friends. We think that because teens have grownup bodies and can walk around on their own and sometimes drive around on their own means they don’t need adult supervision.” And, “if parents make their home a comfortable and
emotionally safe place, then they’ll bring friends home. That’s the ideal the situation because then you’ll get to meet them.”

She said, “The number one thing is effective communication. Some families use family meetings. Other families find it more effective to write things because sometimes it’s a little more rational.”

It is important for parents to set examples, even if they are not easy. “Apologizing when you are wrong does not demean you in the eyes of your child. When kids get to see somebody accept responsibility for a mistake, then that is a very strong role model. If we want to raise children who know how to make mistakes, then we need to show them that. I think that’s a really powerful lesson for kids.”

TIPS FOR TURNING AROUND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU TEEN

Get into your teen’s shoes and empathize.

Listen and be curious.

Stop worrying about what others think – do what is best for your teen.

Replace humiliation with respect.

Make sure the message of love gets through.

Practice respectful involvement.

EXCERPTED FROM, “Positive Discipline for Teenagers”
by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. and Lynn Lott, M.A.