Understanding Your Teen’s Behavior
Adolescents, especially adolescent girls, can turn even the strongest soccer mom’s faith and sturdy support into crushing defeat and jumbled nerves. The typical teen employs multiple tactics to manipulate authority figures. These include: Guilt trips, splitting authority figures (the old divide and conquer), intimidation, scare tactics, and a bullish determination to get you to give in at seemingly any cost. It is no wonder we have hurt, overworked, overstressed and self-questioning moms who once may have looked forward to their daughter’s adolescence as a time for female bonding, now cringing at another day chock full of moodiness and insults. The girl you love is still there though and needs you more than ever. On appearance, her fearless ascent into adulthood may seem strength-based but look deeper. She would probably say it feels like a minefield. She is scared, worried, and frustrated. She is filled with self-doubt but can appear cocky. It may not cure your broken heart and longing for her days of horses and dolls, but understanding the dynamics behind her behaviors and how necessary they are to her development, can offer some insight into helping her survive adolescence relatively damage-free.
For example, let’s look at the first stage of adolescence: Early Maturation. This period is defined by her changing and growing body, hormonal imbalances, and her budding sexuality. This period usually marks the lives of girls ages 11-13, but has resonances with middle adolescent (14-17) populations as well.
1: The Mind-Body Connection in Early Maturation
The Myth: “I can take of myself” “I don’t need you”
Your adolescent girl may possess a fully developed body but she is not yet in possession of a fully developed mind. But let’s concentrate on the body. In our sexualized society, her “new” body gives her (seemingly) great power in her day to day life, at school, at the mall, anywhere but home with you. The fact that she is only 14 occurs to practically no one except you. She is being seen differently by her peers, by adults, by boys, by men (let’s get real), and fancies herself more powerful, more your equal because of it. She is also recognizing how to use it to get what she wants. She can dress in certain ways to provoke compliments or favorable reactions in others. She is associating her body with its sexuality even though her brain has yet to protect her with decision-making skills and sound judgment.
The Truth is your daughter feels highly self-critical. Her inner critic is so merciless that she wants you to feel its wrath as well. Why should she suffer alone? The standards our society has put on beauty hits her where it hurts most. She feels as if she will never measure up. Too many zits. Too skinny. Too fat. Too big in the chest. Not big enough. At school, she is also being judged constantly. If she appears in the least bit “immature”, she could face severe punishments in the hallways of junior highs where the competition to be seen as “older” is merciless. It should also be noted that the rules for this ideal state change daily. Again, the minefield metaphor. The stakes are high in her mind. Is this behind her endless critiques of your outfits, hairstyles, and outward appearance? Next time her well-timed sarcasm sends chills your way, don’t personalize. She probably was dealt a similar blow at school today. She may have been the laughing stock of the popular clique. She may trying to show you, not tell you, how she feels by creating a similar state of self-consciousness in you.
Quick Tips: Try modeling self-confidence for her instead of defending your “tired fits” , AKA lame outfits. Show her that you will not define yourself by what other’s think, even your little angel.
Let her know that in the grand scheme of things, life is just more interesting with flaws and differences. Stay supportive but don’t let her insult you. Remind her that, like your ‘nave shirt’, making people feel bad is also not in fashion. Staying superficial destroys the human spirit. Remind your daughter to go deeper than the labels on her clothes and the current hairstyle of the day. Have her volunteer. Keep her busy, active and aware that she is not, in fact, the center of the universe. A healthy dose of altruism does a teenager good.
